Today's Big Stuff 10.20.22

10.20.22

It’s Thursday. There are 19 days until Election Day. A Republican tries to buy LA, Trump lied in Georgia (gasp!) and a report says prosecutors see enough evidence to charge Trump.

Be advised: This is a cussin’ newsletter. But we still have dreams of one day being a dancin’ newsletter.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How in this fucked up world are you today? Yeah, us too. This shit is stressful! We’re all working our asses off not knowing whether American democracy is going to die with a not-so-hilarious fart noise in about two-and-a-half weeks. It’s intense! Like we keep saying, please make sure you’re practicing self-care. But not like this…

YIKES!!! Someone got caught rigging the erection outside a fucking school! As repulsive as that is, it is a great reminder that Republicans are hypocritical scumbags who do all kinds of fucked up shit and then act like the normal ones. Don’t believe us? Well here’s an interview with a not real Arizona voter about this whack episode…

TBS: Hi! Thanks for joining us! So you’re still voting for the school-side stroker?

Voter: Hell yeah! He was just American Firsting!

TBS: What?

Voter: Yeah, it was just locker room spanking it.

TBS: What?

Voter: You know, like locker room talk. It’s ok if it’s locker room stuff.

TBS: So Trump attacking the Capitol on Jan. 6?

Voter: Just a simple case of locker room treason.

TBS: Well that’s just the dumbest shit we’ve ever heard.

Voter: Yeah, well I voted for Trump so don’t act so surprised.

TBS: Fair enough. Also, you seem to have a shoe stuck on your head.

Voter: Yeah, that happens sometimes.

Depressing right? Well the good news is our votes count too, so we have go to show up and cancel out the vote of every school-side stroker and their fans. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re pretty sure that’s the first masturbation related note we’ve ever done, which is shocking considering what we write about and how long we’ve been doing this. Man this country is in really fucked up place right now.

Note three: Is your state early voting? Do you have a plan? Are you bugging the living hell out of everyone you know who’s cool to vote? You know, like we’re bugging the living hell out of you by asking this every day?

Note four: A new poll shows Adam Laxalt with a 1-point lead over Catherine Cortez Masto. And then you read this story about Laxalt being an anti-DREAMer piece of rat shit while his own grandmother was undocumented. That’s even sicker than the freak who was beating it outside a school. More: Axios

Note five: So England is getting another new Prime Minister. Don’t you wish we had our shit together so we could enjoy their dysfunction instead of just waiting for it to cross the ocean?

Note six: Biden is giving farmers $1.3 billion in debt relief. Are Republicans gonna cry and sue over this shit too? Or is that just for people who wanted to get an education? More: CBS News

Note seven: White people are now more likely to die than Black people from COVID. Let’s just call it the Fox Effect. But also, there are like a thousand things fucked up about this. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Speaking of COVID, did you get the new booster yet? It’s freaking awesome. It somehow made us even better looking.

Note nine: Enormous thank you to Hillary Clinton for speaking some important truth. Maybe this country will finally fucking listen to her since she’s been right about pretty much everything. More: Mercury News

Note 10: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS!!!!!

Note 11: How the fuck is the spin here just as offensive as the original anti-semitism?

Note 12: Republicans are trying to overturn Biden’s student debt relief. Seems like it should be a bigger story that the GOP hates Americans and wants them to suffer. More: Slate

Note 13: WOW! A new report suggests that “Dr.” Oz isn’t planning on staying in Pennsylvania long. He should’ve just rented. More: ABC News

Note 14: Btw, we know how concerned the beltway media ghouls were about John Fetterman’s health, so we just know they’ll be relieved to hear that his doctor said his recovery is going great. More: CNN

Note 15: Speaking of Oz, we just assume this picture was taken right before the passed around the jug of pee.

Note 16: Also, someone added it up and all the free air-time Hannity is giving these Republican assholes equals about $2.4 million. It’s really too bad our politics are just completely broken. More: Washington Post

Note 17: Trump got deposed by E. Jean yesterday. Bless that woman for holding that man to account. And for making our Wednesday happier. More: NBC News

Note 18: We’re beginning to think Herschel Walker is completely full of shit. More: CNN

Note 19: We just assume the awesome Ohioan who said this is a TBS Sexy Patriot. It’s really great work.

Note 20: Ok, you beautiful SPs, let’s go do some freaking news! We hope y’all are holding up ok. Election season is always crazy, but it’s even more so when the fate of the free world is hanging in the balance. But remember — that’s still not a good excuse to spank it outside a school. Love y’all!

Not for sale

Rick Caruso, who was a Republican until like two weeks before he decided to run for Mayor or Los Angeles, has now put $80 million of his own money into the race against Karen Bass. Now why would anyone spend that much money for what is a really hard and shitty job? We don’t know, but we sure as shit don’t trust that guy. Anyone who has to run ads saying of course I’m pro-choice probably isn’t. We’re rooting hard for Karen. And we’re pretty disappointed Gavin Newsom is staying neutral here. More: The Guardian

He lied?!

A judge said yesterday that Trump lied in court about voter fraud, and you’re goddamn right he did. The judge said that Trump knew the voter fraud numbers he was using were a lie, but he used them anyway. The judge said this as part of a ruling ordering disgraced lawyer John Eastman to turn over more emails to the Jan. 6 committee. When is this motherfucker ever going to jail?

Double double legal trouble

Pretty half-assed MacBeth reference there. Oh well. So DOJ prosecutors see enough evidence to charge Trump. We don’t know that they will, but they see enough evidence. Part of the problem is the FBI is a right-wing organization with pro-Trump sympathies, and for some reason Democrats have made no effort to clean house there. So yeah, there’s evidence Trump committed crimes. Our reaction? No fucking shit, Sherlock. More: Bloomberg

Today’s clips

Taken together, election officials around the country are now bracing for a potential problem that would have seemed outlandish just a few years ago: so-called “insider threats” to the midterm voting process. Some election experts fear that individuals seeking to produce evidence of widespread voter fraud — even when it doesn’t exist — could end up in sensitive election roles, allowing them to stir chaos with claims of fraud or wrongdoing. More: Huff Post

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