Today's Big Stuff 10.20.21

October 20, 2021

10.20.21

It’s Wednesday. There are 13 days until this year’s elections and 384 days until the midterm elections. The House moves to hold Bannon in contempt, the Senate Republicans are about to kill a voting rights bill again and Schiff calls out Garland’s wimpy ass.

Note: Well hey there, you sexy mf-ing patriots! You’re looking spry this fine hump day. And you smell like a damn meadow in the springtime. You must tell us your secret. We promise we won’t tell anyone. Unlike this breaking news we’ve got. Whaaaaa? Yep, for the second time this week, we are breaking some news. It’s pretty big for us. You ready? Ok, so you probably heard that Facebook is changing its name and trying to rebrand to make people forget about all the death and destruction and shit. Well here at TBS, we got a first look at the rebrand, and it is, well, it’s interesting.

Apparently, the Zuck Suck and crew have decided to name their new product Fuck You Fuck Your Family We Hope You All Fucking Die Book. Kinda clunky right? Sure, it doesn’t really roll off the tongue, but man, talk about truth in advertising. Tbh, we like it. It’s the best thing to happen to Fbook since Justine Timberlake told Zuck to drop the The. At least now when they’re killing you and tearing families apart, we’ll know that’s what they are designed to do.

In other news, Megan McCain isn’t changing her name. Because then she’d have to get a real job instead of doing a media tour where she reminds everyone just how endlessly fucking horrible she is. Seriously. Have you ever heard such incessant whining? We’re really hoping after she stops feeling sorry for herself that she’ll join Facebook. That should fix her wagon good. Don’t you know who her father is? More: The Verge

Note two: We’re sorry. That shit wasn’t even clever. We just really hate Facebook and Meg McCain. Oh well. Also, when is the last time you heard someone say fix her wagon? LOL. We’re bringing that shit back.

Note three: So the Republican Party turned over a new leaf yesterday. Now they care about Americans and truth and justice. Just kidding. Another one of those assholes got indicted and today they’re trying to find the votes to save Steve Bannon’s gross ass. More: Washington Post

Note four: Today is a rough day to be a Democrat. We’ll talk about the voting rights vote later in this here newsletter, but suffice it to say that we are hardly giving it everything we’ve got. Add in the fact that we’re cutting programs we promised left and right and trying to confirm Rahm fucking Emanuel and we totally understand if you want to take the day off. More: CNN, CNN II

Note five: We used to love In-N-Out burger. We don’t anymore. We like our burgers without a side of COVID and religious fanaticism. More: San Francisco Chronicle

Note six: Ok, so here’s some good news — Democrats continue to stand up for everyone and kick down doors of discrimination. More: Washington Post

Note seven: And President Biden is doing a damn good thing with the federal courts even it if is hard to remember sometimes. More: NBC News

Note eight: Well lookie there. The FBI went and raided a Russian gangster in Washington, DC. The Republican Party is gonna be pissed. Remember when Trump lifted sanctions on this asshole and then he invested in a Kentucky aluminum plant that never got built? Actually now that we type that out we have to wonder what the hell took the FBI so long. More: NBC News

Note nine: This Supreme Court is the effing worst. And even their dumb asses are fine with vaccine mandates. More: Axios

Note 10: We love Dr. Biden so freaking much. More: Washington Post

Note 11: And we also love Westchester DA Mimi Rocah who came here to do two things: 1. Eat some skittles and 2. Hold Trump to account for his crimes. Bad news for Trump — she’s all out of skittles. More: New York Times

Note 12: Ok so this is pretty huge. The White House has rolled out its plan to get kids vaccinated. We’re sure this will go over well with the dumbfucks who don’t even care about their own goddamn health and safety. More: CNN

Note 13: Iowa used to be a pretty nice place. So um what the effing fuck happened? More: Des Moines Register

Note 14: Here’s a crazy idea — when we see a guy with a Hitler mustache, WE DON’T LET HIS ASS IN THE ARMY. More: Washington Post

Note 15: Trump wanted to send 250,000 troops to the Southern border. Unfortunately for him, 249,000 of them were suffering from bone spurs. More: New York Times

Note 16: Can someone share this story with the White House so they’ll start trying harder to save democracy? Because this stuff really scares the absolute shit out of us. More: Detroit Free Press

Note 17: Did y’all watch Only Murders in the Building with Selena Gomez, Steve Martin and Martin Short? It’s pretty damn good. And it made us want to watch Three Amigos again, which is just a brilliant comedy. “Great! You shot the Invisible Swordsman!”

Note 18: We’re sorry/happy your baseball team won/lost last night.

Note 19: So we just saw that Gym Jordan is going to testify in Trump’s defense today in front of the House Rules Committee. Yeah, he’s going to say Trump didn’t molest any Ohio wrestlers. So yeah, Trump definitely molested some Ohio wrestlers.

Note 20: We don’t have any Travis Tritt jokes. He seems to be doing a good job taking care of that himself.

Note 21: Ok, sexiest of sexy patriots, we are running low on jokes and high on frustration today so let’s get to the news. Also, Megan McCain is the fucking worst. We hope y’all are having a fantastic week, and we sure do love you. Have a humping awesome hump day.

Contempt

The Jan. 6 committee voted unanimously last night to hold Steve Bannon in contempt for defying a subpoena. The full House will vote on it Thursday, which is a really fast turnaround and one we’re happy to see. The most stunning part might have been Liz Cheney calling Bannon’s hiding an admission of guilt. Some monstrous dirtbags attacked our country. It’s past fucking time to start holding them accountable for it. And we would really like to get back to a normal world where we can hate Liz Cheney again. More: CNN, NPR

Fuck the filibuster

Senate Democrats are going to hold another vote on a voting rights package today. Ya know, that thing that will stop the next goddamn coup from being successful? Republicans are going to block it, which is weird because Joe Manchin said he was going to find 10 Republicans to support it. Maybe he’s a liar. Or an idiot. Frustration with the White House is running high over this. They just don’t seem to get it, still backing the goddamn filibuster even as democracy is about to crumble into the ocean. Democratic voters fought hard for their officials. Now those officials need to fight hard for us. More: NBC News, CNN

Straight Schiff

We have suspected for a while now that Merrick Garland is a chickenshit who is afraid to go after Trump for his endless crime spree against the American people. Adam Schiff seems to have confirmed it. In an interview with a Yahoo podcast, Schiff said Garland isn’t interested in looking back and he “vehemently disagrees” with that. Yeah, we do too. In fact, we’d say we FUCKING vehemently disagree. Sigh. Keep your heads up, sexy patriots. More: Yahoo News

Today’s clips

More than a dozen Senate Democrats are imploring President Joe Biden and congressional leaders to keep a national paid family leave program in his sweeping social services and climate change package.

President Joe Biden informed House progressives Tuesday afternoon that the final bill to expand the social safety net is expected to drop tuition-free community college, a major White House priority, according to multiple sources familiar with the matter. More: CNN

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