Today's Big Stuff 10.19.21

10.19.21

It’s Tuesday. There are two weeks(!) until this year’s elections and 385 days until the midterm elections. Trump sues to continue his coup cover-up, the Biden administration asks SCOTUS to hear Texas abortion arguments fast and the Jan. 6 committee votes to hold Bannon in contempt.

Please be advised: This newsletter gets down. This newsletter gets dirty. And this newsletter gets a little cussword-y. If you’re not cool with that, now is a good time to loave. We also make a lot of typos.

Note: Hellooooo, you sexing motherflipping patriots! How in the heck fire are you? Well whatever you’re doing, don’t change a thing. Unless you’re Ted Cruz. And then change every last godforsaken fucking thing there is to change. And then erase all memory of the first version from mankind. Wanna hear something cool though? Believe it or not, we actually have some Cruz news to break today. This is not normally our thang. Normally we aggregate news and draw attention to shit and cuss a lot and make jokes. But today, we’re blowing the lid off of this one.

You might have seen the hilarity yesterday when Cruz attempted to take on Australia’s COVID policies and got his arse (do they say arse? Forgive our ignorance. We really must step up our cussing game if we’re to take over the world) handed to him by Michael Gunner, who the Fort Worth Star-Telegram reports is the chief minister of the Northern Territory. Now, we’re not real familiar with how they disco down there, but that sounds like an important job.

Here at TBS Pretend News, we can report that Cruz had an ulterior motive to get involved in the pandemic buffoonery — to distract from the truth. Yes, Cruz doesn’t actually care about COVID. He doesn’t want you to know the other vaccine story. He doesn’t want you to know… he’s been giving chlamydia to koala bears. GASP!

It’s true! Or so we heard! But look. Cruz did that shit on the same day this story came out about all these koalas getting chlamydia and there’s just no way that’s a coincidence. Like come on. CNN says 400 of the furry little rascals are getting vaccinated against chlamydia because it’s just so widespread. And that just has Ted Cruz’s name written all over it. What a sick, sick sonofabitch. If you pray, pray for the koalas. This has been a TBS Pretend News Report. More: Yahoo News, CNN

Note two: Of course Ted Cruz doesn’t actually have sex with koala bears. Probably. Frankly, we like to hope and pray that motherfucker doesn’t have sex at all. With anyone. Or anything.

Note three: Now we’re all grossed out. BRB. Gonna go get a quick shower.

Note four: You remember that Texas school district that wanted to both sides the Holocaust? Yeah, we’re not ready to forget about those assholes either. More: NBC News

Note five: We used to think it was great and cool that Matt Gaetz’s buddy was delaying sentencing so he could spill the beans on Gaetz, but now we’re just like what the eff is this ever gonna happen? More: TampaBay.com

Note six: It seems like things are going to get worse with dirty abusive cops now that the U.S. government has basically thrown up its hands and said it’s not going to do anything. Especially with this Supreme Court. More: USA Today

Note seven: Remember when Trump went to the UN and they laughed at him. Well, when Biden got elected the world stopped laughing at us. Or at least stopped fearing us. Or at least liked us a little better. More: Gallup

Note eight: Ughhhhhhhh. We get it, Joe Manchin. You are the fucking worst. If you want a trophy or a hat that says that shit, we’ll get you one. You don’t need to keep telling us every goddamn day. More: Vanity Fair

Note nine: Speaking of shitty Democrats, we sure are shocked that Kyrsten Sinema is raising money from Republicans. Oh wait no we’re not because she sucks. More: Mother Jones

Note 10: Holy fucking shit we should’ve put this in the news section. They’re finally making a sequel to Mel Brooks’s History of the World Part I. Woohoo! More: Variety

Note 11: Gosh what could make the QAnon scumbag morons more dangerous and awful? Oh we know let’s make them more anti-semitic. This was like when God decided he would make farts worse by occasionally making them sharts. More: Vice

Note 12: Ok fine. We’ll call him Ye. Just as long as we don’t have to call him Mr. President. And we’ll probably just keep calling him “the dude who said slavery was a choice.” More: Associated Press

Note 13: So when are we locking this asshole up? After the next coup attempt? More: Pro Publica

Note 14: It’s really pretty goddamn infuriating that Biden has to remind some lawmakers that his agenda will actually help people and the economy, but we’re Democrats and this is what we do. More: CNN

Note 15: It is endless amazing and probably a sign that America has as much time left as an old K-Mart that when a deadly pandemic came to our country, a shocking number of officials wanted to help it spread. More: Axios

Note 16: Trump sat for a four-hour deposition yesterday about his bodyguards beating up some protesters. It’s all on tape. No word on whether he asked anyone to pee on him while the cameras were rolling. More: CNN

Note 17: President Biden is doing a townhall with CNN later this week. We don’t get it either. Maybe the guy just likes rewarding a bunch of war junkies who made it their mission to drive down his approval rating because he had the guts to get us out of Afghanistan. More: CNN

Note 18: When you’re a bigger joke than the fucking Cyber Ninjas, then you should take a walk into a body of water and just keep going. More: CNN

Note 19: LOL. Kristi Noem is going through some shit. More: Argus Leader

Note 20: We’re not going to post this insane shit here, but Trump spent the morning desecrating Colin Powell’s corpse. It was pretty gross, but it’s also kinda funny to be reminded once again that the entire Republican Party is kissing this deranged sonofbitch’s ass.

Note 21: Alrighty, you super freaking gorgeous freedom fighters, let’s get to the news! We hope we didn’t ruin your day by mentioning Ted Cruz and sex in the same sentence. Tbh, we kinda ruined our own with that shit. But we know we can turn it around! Y’all have a great one! Love you!

What’s he hiding?

Oh right. That he tried to violently overthrow the government. Yeah, Trump yesterday sued the National Archives and the Jan. 6 committee to try and stop Biden from turning over his internal correspondence and documents from the day he committed treason. Well, one of the days. Biden responded by saying fuck that shit, you can’t hide behind a constitution you tried to wreck. We’re really hoping Democrats have a plan where this doesn’t end up in court for the next two fucking years, but it hasn’t happened yet. More: CNN

Hurry up and screw us

The Biden administration yesterday formally asked the Supreme Court to put a stop to the crazy fucked up Texas anti-abortion law. While we wait for them to tell us no, the Court did agree to a request from healthcare providers to consider an expedited appeal. Tragically, it feels like we all know where this is headed — with a stolen Supreme Court saying Roe is overturned and Democratic lawmakers responding with press releases and tweets. Goddamnit. More: CNBC, Washington Post

Lock his nasty ass up

This evening the Jan. 6 committee will meet to vote on whether to hold Steve Bannon in contempt and refer him to DOJ for criminal charges. If you’re pissed off this seems to be taking forever and a day, well, you’re not alone. But part of being a Democrat is actually playing by the rules. Or some shit like that. After it passes today, it will still have to be voted on by the full House. Yeah, it’s frustrating as hell. The whole contempt report is worth checking out though. And if that motherfucker can claim executive privilege, then we are too. More: CNN

Today’s Clips

Bills intended to block any Texas entity, including hospitals and private businesses, from mandating COVID-19 vaccines for employees failed to pass the Texas Legislature before lawmakers adjourned the third special legislative session early Tuesday morning. More: Texas Tribune

Trust broke down further on the bipartisan Virginia Redistricting Commission on Monday after one member revealed the National Republican Redistricting Trust had been working behind the scenes to help a former Virginia congressman submit his own congressional map proposal — one that now closely resembles the map that the commission is debating. More: Washington Post

Texas Republicans approved on Monday redrawn U.S. House maps that favor incumbents and decrease political representation for growing minority communities, even as Latinos drive much of the growth in the nation’s largest red state. More: Associated Press

The Biden administration moved Monday to regulate a group of long-lasting, human-made chemicals that pose health risks to millions of Americans, even as they continue to be used in an array of products such as cosmetics, dental floss, food packaging, clothing and cleaning supplies. More: Washington Post

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