Today's Big Stuff 10.18.22

10.18.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 21(!!!) days until the midterm elections, and early voting is already underway in several states. Biden will focus on abortion after midterms (if we win), people are fired up to vote and student loan forgiveness goes live. 

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. It’s the only way to accurately describe all the fucked up shit in the goddamn news.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! You smell like cotton candy and success today. Good for you. Us? We also smell fantastic, and we are just blown the fuck away that people are voting and Election Day is in three fucking weeks. And right now, we are smack dab in the middle of debate season. Speaking of a smack…

Yikes! JD (we’re pretty sure it stands for Jellybean Doodlenuts) should just go back to Silicon Valley and pretend that money is the same thing as having friends. That shit is hard to watch. But if you’re like us, you’re a tad overwhelmed by all these debates. It seems like there was like 15 of them last night. And while it’s important to tune in and watch Tim Ryan embarrass the ever-living shit out of Jokester Dingleberry (JD) or watch Stacey Abrams humiliate Brian Kemp like her name was Trump, we understand if you can’t tune in for them all.

So here is the TBS cheat sheet for the remaining debates. If you know this basic formula, then you’ll have a pretty good handle on how the debates are going…

Moderator: Welcome to what was once a proud local news organization and its one debate.

Democrat: Thank you! I’m so happy to be here with you.

Republican: Why ain’t there a white history month, groomers?

Moderator: What?! Um let’s just move on. Democrat, what would you do for people?

Democrat: Well we’ve already passed a shitload of awesome legislation that will actually make huge changes for every American and we’d like to do more. 

Republican: Trump was robbed, I once had sex with my gun and you’re a fuckin’ groomer. 

Moderator: Please, Mr. Lunatic, let’s try to stay focused. And please stop eating your own feces. Now what would you do for the people?

Republican: The people are a bunch of sheep. Everybody is a groomer. Fuck CRTWXYZ. Fuck big tech. Fuck the libs. Back the blue.

Moderator: Back the blue? But you’re literally beating a cop with the American flag as we speak.

Republican: Don Junior and Kid Rock! 

Moderator: Oh fuck it. I quit.  

Phew. Sure seems like an easy choice to us. Also, that thing about the dude fucking his gun wasn’t even mentioned in the New York Times write-up. 

Note two: And here’s Stacey pulling Kemp’s underwear up around his giant forehead…

Note three: THREE FREAKING WEEKS?! Does your state offer early voting? Have you taken advantage of it yet? Have you bugged the holy hell out of everyone you know except that one racist dickhead uncle? 

Note four: Back to debates for a second, Evan McMullin took Mike Lee to school last night for being a Jan. 6 d-bag. It was pretty satisfying to watch. More: Axios

Note five: Val Demmings is getting her chance to stuff Marco Rubio in a locker tonight. He’s probably already started pissing his pants. More: USA Today

Note six: A lot of folks are freaking out over the New York Times poll that came out yesterday. But not us. Why? Because we think the New York Times is shit, and we’ve been doing this too long to fucking lose it over a single poll, and we basically stopped believing all polls a while back. 

Note seven: Happy birthday to Brittney Griner. We’re thinking of you and want you home soon. 

Note eight: So we’re not gonna link to it, but Punchbowl has an interview with Kevin McCarthy and no they did not ask any hard questions. But we still learned that Republicans are going to fuck up the global economy over the debt ceiling and cut off aid to Ukraine so they’re pal Putin can win. Yeah, shit is going to be royally fucked up if they win. 

Note nine: While we normally use this space to shit all over the White House press, we want to give some love to all-time badass April Ryan, who has a new book coming out. More: NPR

Note 10: Ron DeSantis is a racist monster and the press needs to quit kissing his ass. Oh wait, racist monster ass is the only ass they like to kiss.

Note 11: Happy The-NBA-is-back Day to all who celebrate.

Note 12: Fox News is going all-in to try and save Republican Senate candidates. Last night Hannity did his show in Georgia where a bunch of Republican senators tried to save Herschel Walker. Next they’re going to Pennsylvania. It’s really kind of a miracle we ever win any elections when we have to go up against a whole propaganda network. Fucking assholes.

Note 13: The Supreme Court made it easier for shitty politicians to put our money in their pocket. You won’t be surprised to learn that it has helped Ted Cruz get richer. More: Business Insider

Note 14: There have been a lot of good debate lines so far, but Tim Ryan telling Jinglebells Dildo (JD) to go back to San Francisco if he wants to run against Pelosi is one of our favs. 

Note 15: Thank you to the White House for calling out Trump’s anti-semitism since both the press and their Republican friends won’t. More: NBC News

Note 16: We have run out of words to describe how much we hate Elon and Kanye, so we’re just putting them here together and inviting them to eat a big bowl of shit. 

Note 17: Thank you to Britney Spears for being amazing. 

Note 18: Tulsi Gabbard says that Joe Biden is like Hitler. Seems like if that was the case, she’d be kissing his ass. Fuck off, Tulski. More: Washington Examiner

Note 19: Here’s something to wash that gross taste out of your mouth. It’s the most beautiful thing we saw yesterday.

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s hit the news section and then get outta here. We love y’all, and we hope you’re holding up ok down the stretch. See you tomorrow!

Go Joe

Today Joe Biden is going to announce that codifying abortion rights will be his highest post-midterm priority, but only if we win and can do something about it. If we lose, he’s just gonna be fending off the scum of the earth for two years. So let’s win and get American women their human rights back. More: NBC News

Voters are voting

It looks like turnout is gonna be big. According to that assface Georgia secretary of state, more than 100,000 Georgians cast an early vote yesterday on the first day of early voting .The previous midterm record was about 72,000. We saw a similar report out of Michigian. Let’s hope all these people are fired up to save American democracy. More: Georgia Recorder

Apply for forgiveness

Is that an overwrought way to put it? Probably. But the student loan forgiveness application is live now and it’s really fucking easy to fill out. If you or anyone you know has student loans, just go to this link. Good luck! More: StudentAid.gov

Today’s clips

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.), who earlier this year spoke at a white nationalist event, said she expects to gain “a lot of power” if the midterm elections give Republicans control of the House. More: HuffPost

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