Today's Big Stuff 10.14.22

10.14.22

Happy Friday. There are 25 days until the midterm elections. Trump gets a subpoena, Herschel Walker might be a monster and Elon is (Putin’s) human garbage.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses a crapload. Sorry. We meant shitload.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We made it! It’s Friday! And not only is it Friday, but it’s basically our fucking Christmas. We know what you’re thinking — TBS, you’re so good looking and Christmas is still two months away. Well thank you, but this is what we’re talking about…

HELL YEAH!!! Punchin’ Pelosi is not fucking around. She’s from Baltimore, motherfucker, and she shits bigger than Donald J. Trump. Obviously that’s the best thing we’ve seen since the first Black Panther, but it gets better. Yes that’s right, SPs, TBS got its hands on the rest of the tape, and wow the Speaker of the House is not to be fucked with. Here is the totally not real transcript…

I’m gonna punch him out and I’m gonna go to jail and I’m gonna be happy. And then I’m gonna do my bid hitting the weights and when I get out I’m gonna punch out that sloppy bitch again. Does that orange motherfucker know where I’m from? I’m from Baltimore, bitches. I’ve been knocking out Donald Trumps since I could walk. Fuck it. I’m not waiting for him to come here. (Breaks a bottle while holding it by the neck and then brandishes the shards as a weapon). No fuck it, I’m going to the White House. That motherfucker brought pain to this house. Well it’s payback time, you dirty orange motherfucker. I’m about to cut a tangerine bitch and I’m gonna be laughing like a motherfucker the whole time. Because I’m crazy and I don’t give a fuck and nobody attacks this house. Let’s go fuck up some dumbshits.

It was at that point aides had to physically restrain the speaker from trying to run down Pennsylvania Avenue and challenging the former president to “come get some.” Crazy times.

Note two: On a serious note, thank god for Nancy Pelosi. Yesterday’s new footage made clear that when all hell was breaking loose, she stepped up to save the republic. She was already our hero. Now we’re building a macaroni statue for our living room. More: NBC News

Note three: We’ve seriously been watching this on a loop. Then we drank some raw eggs and ran up some steps in Philly.

Note four: NBCNews is straight garbage. But they did the world a favor by doing a thorough debunking of that goddamn litter box bullshit. There’s just no way a country dumb enough to fall for this crap can survive. Right? More: NBC News

Note five: Are you early voting? What’s your plan? How about the people around you? Do they know democracy is hanging by a thread and they’re the only ones who can save it?

Note six: Trump sent a 14-page response to the Jan. 6 committee that the Unabomber would’ve thought was insane and overwrought. More: Axios

Note seven: Ron Johnson had a rough night. More:

Note eight: Republican attacks on a Steele dossier source have endangered national security. But let’s be honest — Republicans are the threat to national security. More: New York Times

Note nine: Pardon our language but what the fudging fuck is this? A goddamn Jan. 6er is training poll workers in Michigan?! More: Bloomberg

Note 10: LOL. Did we really wait all these years to say “pardon our language?” Better late than never.

Note 11: This is today’s WE FUCKING LOVE DOLLY PARTON post. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Roger Stone does not seem like someone we would want to be friends with. But he does accurately describe Kushner’s IQ here.

Note 13: Russia had kidnapped thousands of Ukrainian kids and decided they are now Russian. It is a heinous war crime, and Tucker and Elon and the other scum think it’s just awesome. More: Associated Press

Note 14: There was another shooting yesterday. This time in North Carolina. The shooter is 15. Five are dead. It’s barely news today. More: Associated Press

Note 15: What’s harder to believe — that “Dr.” Oz is using hired operatives to pretend to be supporters or that gullible political reporters fell for it? More: The Intercept

Note 16: We honestly can’t think of a worse person to have as an adviser than Candace Owens. But let’s be real — Kanye would still be a piece of shit even if she wasn’t in his ear. More: TMZ

Note 17: Goddamn this is how you freaking do it. Thank you, Gov. Whitmer!

Note 18: Well look at that — the Republican governor who instituted a poll tax, who instituted a bullshit election police force and who had a bunch of Black people for voting even after the state told them they could is suddenly very concerned about people being able to vote. What a fucking asshole. More: PBS

Note 19: The Republican Senate candidate in New Hampshire says that IVF is “a disgusting practice” and “we’ve got to do something about it.” Where the hell did these scumbags come from? More: Vanity Fair

Note 20: Yesterday was so newsy we almost forgot that the Supreme Court told Trump to fuck off. Man, you know when those dirty shitheads tell you to fuck off then you must be guilty as hell. More: CNN

Note 21: Alrighty, SPs, we’re gonna do some news and then we’re gonna do some weekend. But we don’t want to end the notes on that New Hampshire asshole. So should we end on the news that they’re making a new Naked Gun or should we end with the Peanuts gang dancing to Outkast? Yeah, let’s do both. Y’all have a great weekend. More: Deadline, YouTube

Come on down

Yesterday the Jan. 6 wrapped up its public hearings with yet another damning portrayal of a commander in chief who launched an attack on his own country and then did nothing to stop it. Every fucking one of these hearings has left us physically shaking with rage. But yesterday’s ended with some action — the committee voted unanimously to subpoena Trump. So he wrote that idiot lunatic letter and never said if he’ll show. And he ain’t gonna show. Because he’s guilty and he’s a fucking coward. More: CNN

Father of the Year

So the Daily Beast continues to just dominate the Herschel-Walker-is-a-piece-of-shit beat. Today’s revelation is the child support agreement Walker signed for the young son he didn’t want and has had nothing to do with. He pays $42,000 a year with no childcare, no education and no visitation. Oh and he’s worth between $29 million and $62 million. Actually, he ain’t worth shit. Fuck that deadbeat asshole. More: The Daily Beast

What an asshole

Elon Musk is even worse than we thought. And we thought some pretty awful shit. Yesterday we found out that Elon is under investigation for his attempted twitter takeover. But today he made clear that he is fucking with the Starlink systems that Ukraine has come to depend on because he got his feelings hurt when the Ukrainian ambassador to Germany told him to fuck off. Oh and he’s trying to blackmail both Ukraine and the Pentagon to get them to pay for it. Maybe it’s a bad thing to put the future of humanity in the hands of thin-skinned sociopathic super dorks. More: CNN, CNN II

Today’s clips

A teenage Florida victim of incest was forced to travel out of state for an abortion because of her state’s 15-week ban that makes no exceptions for rape or incest, according to Planned Parenthood officials. More: Huff Post

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