Today's Big Stuff 10.13.21

10.13.21

It’s Wednesday. There are 20 days until this year’s elections and 391 days until the midterm elections. President Biden takes on the supply chain jam, we’re opening our borders to non-idiots and America goes looking for a better gig.

Note: Hellllooooooo, sexiest of sexy patriots. How in the hell are you this fine hump day? We’re pretty humping good ourselves. So we were wasting time and our precious sanity over on the twitter box yesterday and we saw something so goddamn shocking it turned our knickers inside out. Yeah, we wear knickers. So? All newsletters wear knickers. Well most of them do. Is that weird? 

Anyway hold onto your knickers because the thing we saw was Geraldo “Capone’s Vault” Rivera made a good point — he essentially said people need to get vaccinated so kids don’t die — and someone we follow was commenting on how weird it was and we sat with that thought for a while. Not that Geraldo said something smart about vaccines but that Fox has fallen so far into the depths of cruel and eternal dumb, that all Geraldo has to do every once in a while is speak up and say something really fucking obvious and he seems like a brilliant statesman. Hey, guys, maybe we shouldn’t piss on the exposed electrical socket. Yes, Geraldo, that’s so smart thank you for being Fox’s wise truth teller. 

Like imagine if Republicans were finally just like fuck it we’re gonna go door to door chopping your motherfucking heads off with chainsaws for freedom. But Joe Biden is trying to stop us. Why? Because he’s a socialist who wants to forcibly keep your heads not chainsawed off your body. Deep State Big Brother Commie asshole sticking his nose where it don’t belong. Don’t comply. We are real America. Don’t let them damn scientists indoctrinate you with their talk of needing your head to not be chainsawed off to live. They’re just in the pocket of Big Head. You can own those wimps and declare your status as a Real American today! Just send us your address and some times you’ll be home and we’ll come right over and cut your fucking head off with a chainsaw. Fuck the libs, fuck their feelings, fuck your head. Let’s do this. And then there’s Geraldo. Um guys, you shouldn’t chainsaw people's heads off. YES!!!! THANK YOU!!!! GERALDO IS A HERO!!!

Note two: LOL. We might be losing it. But Fox News lost it first. More: Washington Post

Note three: Speaking of losing it, here’s a column about Herschel Walker and how dangerous he is from our super awesome friend and all-around Georgia expert Nabilah Islam. More: Today's Big Stuff

Note four: A couple years ago, NBA player Kyrie Irving said he thought the world was flat. He has not gotten smarter since. But congrats on your cool new friends like (checks notes) Ted Cruz and Don Jr. Ewwww. Gross, dude. More: CNN

Note five: So if you’re non-Pfizer, you’re probably wondering what in the effing hell is taking so long for some booster news. Well Moderna people are basically invincible now (that’s what Sam keeps telling himself), but we should get some clarity on all of this soon. More: Associated Press

Note six: So the cretinous shit-eaters in Texas keep finding ways to eat more shit. Their latest is to suggest they want the LGBTQ youth of the Lone Star State to kill themselves. This is so fucked up. Hey young gay Texans, we love you and we think you’re awesome and we hope you ignore ignorant trash like your governor. More: NBC News

Note seven: We kinda chuckled at the press coverage of this cyber-summit. They seem really surprised Russia wasn’t invited. More: NBC News 

Note eight: Biden told DHS to stop workplace raids. This is fantastic and welcome news. We can still do a helluva lot more to be better on immigration. More: Axios

Note nine: Does this mean Biden won Georgia again? More: AJC

Note 10: Every single Republican in the House voted to kill the economy again last night. Every single one of them. Including our new heroes on the Jan. 6 committee. Guess they care about democracy but not 6 million American jobs. More: CNN

Note 11: How completely broken is America? Well, it used to be pretty big fucking news when a postal worker went postal. That’s why we call it that. Now? Hell, we didn’t even know this happened until we saw this story. More: CNN

Note 12: TMac voted today. Do you live in Virginia? Have you voted? More: Associated Press

Note 13: Kyrsten Sinema is losing all of her friends. But at least she’s got Mitch McConnell. Yikes. More: Huff Post

Note 14: Is there anything better than watching big corporations tell the governor of Texas to fuck off? Yeah there is. Wondering why the eff they didn’t say anything when Texas made it legal to hunt people who want abortions. More: Forbes

Note 15: The Jan. 6 committee says it’s not messing around and they will pursue criminal contempt charges for Trump’s henchmen if they continue to duck subpoenas. Do y’all have an ounce of faith this is going to happen? If you do, can we borrow some of it? More: CNN

Note 16: So where are we in the pandemic and where are we going? That’s a good question, and we appreciate you asking it. We found this story pretty helpful in laying it all out. More: CNN

Note 17: When Adam Serwer writes something, we damn sure read it. And this thing is fire with napalm on top. More: The Atlantic

Note 18: We should probably be worried about all the dangerous dumbfuck Q people who are serving in government. More: Detroit News

Note 19: Did y’all see Speaker Pelosi say that “Moscow Mitch” was playing Russian Roulette with the economy? Hilarious. That’s why we stan. 

Note 20: Before we wrap up the notes today, we just wanted to say thank you to Congressman John Yarmuth, who announced he is retiring after this term. Yarmuth is one of the most honest and dedicated public servants in Washington, and we are really going to miss him. Thank you, Congressman. Enjoy retirement. More: Washington Post

Note 21: We don’t have any Shatner jokes because frankly we don’t want any smoke from the Trekkie crowd. They are not to be fucked with. So we’ll just say godspeed.

Note 22: Ok, you sexy mf’ing patriots, let’s get to the news and then let’s go swam dive into an empty pool. Geraldo: You shouldn’t swan dive into an empty pool. You did it again, you magnificent bastard! You saved us all! LOL. Have a great one, SPs. We love y’all. 

Un-jam

With global supply chains a mess, President Biden has reached a deal with the Port of Los Angeles to move to 24/7 operations and he is meeting with FedEx and UPS and Wal-Mart, among others, today to get them moving too. We’ve been kinda worried about this one. Glad to see the administration being bold and creative to solve yet another inherited problem. More: NBC News, NPR

Hug time

The U.S. is about to reopen its land borders to our vaccinated friends from Canada and Mexico. Woohoo!!!!! We missed y’all! And while we hate to do it to our many Canadian friends, we think this is a golden opportunity to sneak Ted Cruz back over. More: NBC News

Movin’ on up

Americans are quitting their jobs in record numbers. Why? Because life is too short to be pandemic fodder for some rich asshole. So yeah, Americans are embracing the free market and going out and looking for jobs that pay better. Republicans call this a crisis. We call it progress. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration, which falls under the Labor Department, has submitted the text of a new vaccine rule for large employers to the Office of Management and Budget, bringing the emergency standard announced by President Joe Biden last month one step closer to taking effect. More: CNN

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.