Today's Big Stuff 10.12.22

10.12.22

It’s Wednesday. There are 27 days until the midterm elections. Mitch McConell is a coward, we get deets on the next Jan. 6 hearing and the press are freaking ghouls. 

Be advised: This is a sweating newsletter. Shit. We mean it’s a swearing newsletter. We have a lot of goddamn typos too.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots. How in the eff are you today? Oh that’s great! Us? We’re doing pretty fudging good too. We know what you’re thinking — You guys are so good looking and is it possible you’re actually taking a day off from endless profanity? LOL. No. No we did not. But we saw this…

… and so we were saving our cuss words for the rest of this note. (clears throat) WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT FUCKING SHIT?! And before you say it’s the nonsensical gibberish of a brain-damaged, broken and awful man, hear us out. We’ve analyzed this thing like it’s the fucking Zapruder film, and we’ve come to a pretty shocking conclusion — the Republican Senate candidate in Georgia has been having sex with livestock.

Yeah, fucking crazy, right? Like here we are constantly joking about how Republicans like to have sex with farm animals and Herschel Walker just comes right out and admits it! We realize this is a serious charge, but if you listen closely and account for the morse code Tom Cotton and Rick Scott are blinking to us while they question every life decision they’ve ever made, then you realize that Herschel is telling a story about how he had sex with and impregnated some cows and a bull. Yes, a bull. We realize how shocking this is, and we’re sorry we had to be the ones to tell you. But the mainstream media is too chickenshit to call Herschel Walker a cowfucker. 

Anyway, we are up against actual monsters so please leave it all out on the floor for these next 27 days. Otherwise, Herschel and his Republican Senate friends will move on from fucking livestock to fucking the whole damn country. 

Note two: Wow! That was vicious. It’s also a violation of our pledge to not make fun of Herschel Walker. We decided early on that he clearly has brain damage and it’s gross to poke fun at someone in that condition. But then we read the heartbreaking texts from the kids he ignores and we saw the horrible shit he continues to say about Rev. Warnock and we decided he can kiss our asses and take a cussing just like every other dumbfuck trying to put him in the Senate. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note three: Also, the woman Herschel told to get an abortion had to basically beg him for the money to pay for it. So yeah, fuck that piece of shit. More: Washington Post

Note four: Remember that irredeemable a-hole who spraypainted “Biden 2020” and “BLM” on his own trailer and set it on fire and then said big scary liberals must’ve done it? Well he pleaded guilty yesterday to being a lying sack of shit. That might not be the actual charge, but it’s along those lines. More: Associated Press

Note five: RIP to a damn legend. 

Note six: For us, it was Bedknobs and Broomsticks. 

Note seven: It can’t be easy to be on the committee investigating a former president for his role in a terrorist attack on the US Capitol. Can’t be easy to work for them either. More: NBC News

Note eight: It is beyond insanely fucked up that the lunatic Ron DeSantis made surgeon general of Florida is waging a war against vaccines. Beyond insanely fucked up. More: Washington Post

Note nine: Damn did Karine Jean-Pierre speak some truth right here.

Note 10: Speaking of speaking truth, yesterday we royally fucked up and forgot to mention that it was National Coming Out Day. There is nothing we love more in the world than people living their freest and most truthful lives. Thank you to the White House press secretary for this inspiring message…

Note 11: Wait. Kanye said even crazier shit that Tucker cut so Tucker wouldn’t look nuts too? More: Vice

Note 12: NASA totally fucked up that asteroid. So we’re still really good at blowing shit up. Woohoo!!! More: Associated Press

Note 13: Hey so we didn’t talk about Hannity being an asshole in yesterday’s TBS because Hannity is always an asshole and we didn’t think it was news that Joe Biden is a good man who loves his tortured son. We still don’t. More: People

Note 14: The White House is fucking furious at Saudi Arabia. Good. More: CNN

Note 15: The Supreme Court doesn’t want your vote to count. How fucked up is that? More: CNN

Note 16: Hey so this message from the White House chief of staff might be important for you…

Note 17: What? You don’t really have to worry about people giving your kids fentanyl for Halloween? Well that would mean right-wing media completely made up this idiotic horseshit. More: NPR

Note 18: Are y’all watching Abbott Elementary? It’s SO good!

Note 19: Just a quick word about Elon being a treasonous piece of human garbage who has sold out Ukrainians for Putin — Elon Musk can eat a giant sack of rat shit and then go fuck himself with a shit-stained shovel. That work for y’all? More: BBC

Note 20: Holy cow, SPs, those notes were freaking nuts. Let’s go do some news and then get out of here. We hope y’all are having an awesome week. Mostly because you’re such awesome people. Love y’all!

Turtleshit

It’s like chickenshit but more cowardly. Yesterday Mitch McConnell finally came out of his shell after days of hiding from Trump’s attacks on him and his wife and following revelations that one of his Senate candidates loves abortions. True to form for both McConnell and CNN, there was little discussion of Mitch’s hypocrisy after he helped to strip millions of women of their basic rights. Given that lack of tough questioning, the scoop from the interview was McConnell refusing to defend his wife. Just like Ted Cruz didn’t. So yeah, fucking turtleshit. More: CNN

Let’s go

So tomorrow is the last Jan. 6 hearing, or at least the last one before the election, and we’re getting a sense of what the focus will be. Multiple reports from this morning say the committee is going to be sharing new footage and Secret Service emails that show Trump knew. But of course he fucking knew. Of course he fucking knew. More: CNBC

Sickos

John Fetterman had a stroke, and he’s using technology to assist him as he recovers. This technology confuses and frightens the soulless scumbags in the beltway media so they spent last night and this morning pushing the idea that Fetterman’s health should be an issue. They have not had any similar concerns about Herschel Walker’s obvious brain damage. For years we’ve been trying to convince liberals to look at Washington reporters the same way they look at Trump Republicans. We’d like to thank the twisted fucks at NBC for helping our cause. More: NO FUCKING LINKS 

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden urged Los Angeles officials who were recorded making racist remarks to resign from their positions. More: Huff Post

The US justice department has asked the US supreme court to reject Donald Trump’s attempt to re-include 103 documents with classification markings in the special master review that is examining whether materials the FBI seized from his Mar-a-Lago resort are protected by privilege. More: The Guardian

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