Today's Big Stuff 10.11.22

10.11.22

It’s Tuesday. There are 28 days until the midterm elections. What Coward McCarthy really said to Trump, wishing the press would pick up on DeSantis’s racism and Democrats get serious about Saudi Arabia. 

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. We’re guessing fishing newsletters have lower blood pressure.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It feels like it’s been forever and a day since we last saw your sexy patriotic asses, and we simply couldn’t wait anymore. It’s so great to be back with y’all. But before we get into the cussin’ and shit, we’ve gotta report a crime. Yeah, last night Democratic Ohio U.S. Senate candidate Tim Ryan committed theft. Which is to say Tim Ryan stole what little was left of JD Vance’s self-respect.

Well goddamn man. Gonna need a big fucking band-aid for that Hillbilly Ouchie. Yes, debate season is very much here. Cheri Beasley was kicking ass last week, and last night it was TR’s turn. (It would’ve been Beto’s turn, but Greg Abbott is a gutless chickenshit who lives in a house made out of chickenshit and only drinks a substance made from chickenshit.) If you didn’t see it, TR mopped the dang floor with ol’ Juno Dickface (we still don’t know what JD stands for). We were wondering how ol’ Jello Doodiebreath was recovering this morning, so we reached out to him…

TBS: Yo is this JD?

JD: Smooch.

TBS: Oh gosh. We’re sorry to catch you while you’re…

JD: Smooch.

TBS: So that wasn’t just a dig. You are literally…

JD: Smooch.

TBS:That seems unhygienic. At best.

JD: Smooch.

TBS: So you’re really not gonna stop for even a second to explain why you have your actual lips attached to Donald Trump’s actual orange ass?

JD: Smooooooooooooooooch.

TBS: Pull yourself together, JD, before you pass out.

Well there you have it. He lies about a lot of shit, but JD Vance is telling the truth about being a Trump kiss-ass. Or at least Tim Ryan is telling the truth about JD being a Trump kiss-ass. Nice works last night, TR. JD, go brush your teeth. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: What’s your plan? Do you have an early voting plan? Do your friends and relatives? Have you bugged the shit out of them about it? Have you and they checked your registration status? Have you put a padlock on the door of your crazy Trump-loving uncle’s shack in the woods? Ok cool.

Note three: We are ONE MONTH away from the midterm elections. Time flies when the dumbest fucking people in history are trying to destroy American democracy. Take deep breaths, and keep fighting fascism. 

Note four: So we’re being told someone named Tommy Goatherd is leaving the Democratic Party. Check that. Apparently their name is Tulski or some shit. Anyway, never heard of her but good riddance and eat shit all the same. More: LOL DEFINITELY NO LINK

Note five: It’s crazy to stop and think how many abortions Herschel Walker has probably paid for since we started writing today’s TBS.

Note six: Want to see a devastating ad about Herschel being an abusive piece of shit? Of course you do.

Note seven: Per Ari Berman, today is the last day to register to vote in Arizona, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio, South Carolina, Tennessee and Texas. And at least four of those are still part of America. 

Note eight: Politico wrote today about how Joe Biden probably won’t have a big 80th birthday party. You see why we boycott that stupid shit?

Note nine: Speaking of stupid shit, fuck Kanye.

Note 10: So um we want to be cool about this but WHAT THE FUCK IS A CUDDLE PUDDLE?!!!

Note 11: Btw, if everyone has been having cuddle puddles without us and this is how we find out, then we’re going to be crushed.

Note 12: LOLOL. Ben Sasse is trying to leave the Senate to be the president of the University of Florida and the students there are inviting him to take his homophobic ass and go fuck himself. We’ve never been Gator fans, but these awesome protesters have us about ready to do the chomp. More: CNN

Note 13: We put this in the middle of the notes because frankly we just can’t get our hopes up too high again. We’ve been hurt before. (Please note that story is from last week) More: 11ALive

Note 14: Every day, America loses real actual heroes. This is one of the heroes we lost this week. More: NBC News

Note 15: It’s pretty fucking crazy that the most Nazi Republican candidate running in Pennsylvania ain’t the miserable asshole who spoke in front of Hitler’s car last week. More: New York Times

Note 16: ICYMI…

Note 17: Brett Favre just put out a statement saying he’s been smeared by the media. It was followed by a statement we put out calling Brett Favre a soulless piece of hog shit. More: NO LINK

Note 18: LOLOL. WaPo is reporting that Trump’s PAC has spent more on lawyers and paying off his former cabinet officials than it has on Republican candidates. We should really send a thank you card to Mar-a-Lago telling Don how much we appreciate him lighting Repbulican donor money on fire. More: Washington Post

Note 19: Some truly fucked up shit going down in LA. Pro-tip — racism is fucking evil no matter which party it’s coming from. More: Huff Post

Note 20: We are once again sending our love to the crazy courageous people of Ukraine. Putin is a goddamn monster, and while we never wish for people to die, we hope Putin chokes on his own shit and falls out a window. 

Note 21: Alright, you beautiful SPs, let’s get to the news section. We’re so glad to be back with you. We know y’all are out there kicking ass, and we love you for it. See you tomorrow!

A new book?

Sorry, but we are so fucking sick of all these new books from reporters. Sure seems like they’re in on the con. Regardless, we all knew that when McCarthy and Trump spoke on Jan. 6, Trump told McCarthy that the people attacking the Capitol must just care about the election more than Kevin. Well now we know what McCarthy said in return. “THEY’RE TRYING TO FUCKING KILL ME!” Yes, that’s what that cowardly man said before doing a complete 180 and fully embracing the guy who sent the mob. Kevin McCarthy can’t care about your life or those of your family when he doesn’t even care about his own. More: The Hill

Why won’t DC see this?

Remember when Ron DeSantis had his new election police force arrest Floridians for voter fraud even though the state had told them they could vote? Well now we know that 15 of the 19 arrested are Black. Where is the national outrage? Of course that’s the same question we were asking when DeSantis brought back a poll tax. So seriously what the fuck do we have to do to get our national media to give a shit about Black people being able to vote in this country? More: Palm Beach Post

Let’s fucking go

Senate Democrats, not known for their courage or love of confrontation, have had it with Saudi Arabia, and we are damn glad to see it. Yesterday Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Bob Menendez (NJ) said no more arms for Saudi Arabia after they decided to jack up oil prices to try and help Putin and Trump. Oh and Dick Durbin, a man softer than hot yogurt, said on CNN today that Russia and Saudi Arabia have joined forces against the US. What SA did requires a strong response. This is a good start. More: Bloomberg

Today’s clips

One of Donald Trump’s attorneys has reportedly hired an attorney of her own ― and is pointing the finger at yet another of the ex-president’s lawyers about an alleged false statement made earlier this year. More: Huff Post

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