Special Edition: Today's Big Stuff 7.4.22

7.4.22

It’s Monday. There are 127 days until the midterm elections. FOURTH OF JULY SPECIAL EDITION

Be advised: We cuss on holidays too. Especially this motherfucker.

Note: Hey Sexy Patriots! What a great day to be Sexy and Patriotic! It’s like y’all planned for this your whole lives. As most of you know, today we eat, drink and blow shit up to celebrate the birth of the Divided States of Dingus McDumbfuck’s White People Complaining and Shooting People Country (formerly known as the United States of America).

Now we know a lot of y’all are wondering what we could possibly have to celebrate now that this country has taken away basic human rights from millions and turned into that shitty town from Footloose but with more AR-15s and protections for child rapists.

And to be honest, we’re wondering that too.

So we decided that today we’re gonna celebrate you. That’s right, you sexy mofos, you are what we’re blowing shit up for today. YOU are what we are celebrating.

Y’all show up every goddamn day to try and make this country better. Even on the days this country tells you to go eat shit and fuck yourself. But you just keep coming back because you’re good and decent people who care about your country and the rights of others. And you know you’re on the right side of this shit because the other side has Matt Gaetz, Ted Cruz and a handful of MTG’s toes. (That reminds us, be very careful if you’re setting off fireworks tonight. You don’t want your hands to look like that lunatic’s feet.)

We’re not doing a full newsletter today, but we know this is an even more fucked up Fourth than usual and we wanted to reach out with some hugs and cusses for anyone having a hard time. We hope y’all don’t mind but we decided to ahead and take an extra day off. We’ll be back here with some extra cussin’ on Wednesday.

So happy birthday to a country that is only great because of people like you. Thank you for giving us something to celebrate. We love you, Sexy Patriots.

Now let’s get all pissed off and take this sonofabitch back.