2.10.23 Another George Santos in the House

2.10.23

Happy Friday. There are 634 days until the presidential election. The Tortoise and the No Hair, another Santos in the House and Mike Pence gets a subpoena.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. A lot. It can even give the finger with its toes.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The weekend is upon us! And we could sure use a Super Sunday after the Super Stupid week we just watched. This was the week Republicans brought all those conspiracy theories they’ve been bitching and moaning about for the last two (hundred?) years and held themselves some hearings.

And they were a total fucking disaster. We were thinking this was the week of the sad trombone noise, but that really doesn’t do justice to just how much of a fucking dumpster fire House Republicans had this week. So we’ve created a new metric.

Imagine if you will a whoopee cushion the size of five football fields. And imagine a giant just minding his own business as he sits on a giant ass chair in his giant ass kitchen and he hums to himself la-la-la-la-la and then HUUUUGGGEEE!!!!! FARRRRRRTTTTT NOIIIISSSSEEE!!!!!!!” An explosion of mock flatulence so loud it leveled buildings and melted the ears of entire families.

And even though it was a giant whoopee cushion it still somehow managed to stink like a fart. The desert town where it happened still smells like open butt all this time later. Yeah that’s how bad the Republicans flopped this week — that to describe it we would have to break a Guinness world record building a mega whoopee cushion — if it’s even possible! — and then completely destroy a town and its people.

So yeah congrats on your giant whoopee cushion fart noise week, you fucking creeps. Everybody else please have a blessed day.

Note two: So this is kinda messed up, but we’ve decided to take Monday off. We’re gonna be horrible to our bodies with ridiculous amounts of bad food on Sunday, so we’re just planning ahead. We’ll see y’all back here Tuesday.

Note three: Speaking of the big game, who’s gonna win?

Note four: It’s pretty hilarious how after Joe Biden accused Ron Johnson of wanting to fuck with social security RonJon called Biden a liar and then said he wanted to fuck with social security. If there’s a God, she must be a Democrat because she made all our enemies total goddamn morons. More: MSNBC

Note five: Santos said Sinemia told him to hang in there. Sinema said that’s a lie. We don’t know who to believe. The only solution is for them both to go away and be fucking horrible together. More:

Note six: The founder of Politico and Axios told a story today about how badly Politico wanted to be on Fox. As George Carlin said, it’s a club and you ain’t in it. More: Axios

Note seven: There’s been so much stupid in the air lately we missed this particular stupid. We had no idea there was a thing about FLOTUS and the Second Gentleman sharing a polite smooch at the SOTU. Damn things are dumb. More: Huff Post

Note eight: Big shakeup at the White House as comms director Kate Bedingfield leaves and Obama alum Ben LaBolt takes over. Congrats to both. More: NBC News

Note nine: You won’t believe this but it looks like Fox News is withholding evidence in the Dominion defamation trial. And they’re usually so on the level. More: CNBC

Note 10: We have video of that reporter being arrested in Ohio and it’s really fucked up. Ohio really is becoming Florida without the great weather. More:

Note 11: Trump attacked Rihanna yesterday. He said she’d be nothing without her stylist. When asked to comment Ri-Ri said who the fuck is Donald Trump? Or at least that’s what we think she’d say. More: Business Insider

Note 12: Missouri is really fucked up. Like we knew that because of the Hawley of it all, but yesterday they defeated an effort to ban kids from carrying guns in public. The Show Me State? More like the Show Me More School Shootings State. So fucked up. More: The Guardian

Note 13: So we got a win yesterday if you can call it that. The Florida high school athletics association finally backed off its efforts to collect and track the menstrual cycles of Florida’s young women athletes. So yay? Kinda seems like nobody in their right mind should’ve ever proposed such a heinous idea and then they wouldn’t have had to back down. More: CNN

Note 14: In Alabama, about 200 students walked out to protest the school stripping Black history from Black history month. What the fuck happened to all those free speech on campus warriors? More: CBS42

Note 15: If you pray, pray for this dog… More:

Note 16: According to Variety, it looks like Biden might skip the Fox halftime interview. Good. Democrats need to stop trying to appease Fox and start fucking fighting them. More: Variety

Note 17: One of the creepiest goddamn creeps in all of Trump’s fucked up creepshow is going back to the orange team after working at something called GETTR. More: CBS News

Note 18: Huntington Beach in California voted to no longer fly the pride flag outside City Hall. So Huntington Beach can kiss our asses. More: CBS News

Note 19: This story about Elon being a fucking loser and firing someone because his twitter engagements are down should be the nail in the coffin of people thinking this asshole is some kind of genius. More: Platformer

Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s go do some news and then go do this super weekend. But before we do, we want to take a second to say hi to any trans readers we have. We see you. We also see the endless attacks on you. We just want you to know we love you and we think the people coming after you can eat pig shit and then go fuck themselves. Have a great weekend, everybody!

Rick vs. Mitch
It’s the tortoise Mitch McConnell against the No Hair Rick Scott, and it’s delicious. Much like RonJon, Rick Scott has been furious since the SOTU that Dark Brandon called him out for wanting to slash social security and medicare. Ricky has been running around calling Biden a liar, and Fox News has been happy to help. And then McConnell just came out and said yeah of course Rick wants to cut those things but the rest of us don’t. The last part is a lie, but this sure is fun. Dark Brandon laid a trap, and these fucking idiots couldn’t fall into it fast enough. More: NBC News

How many more are there?!
So George Santos is so fucking crazy and the stories are so nuts he must be an isolated incident, right? Nope. Today the Washington Post introduced us to the real Rep. Anna Paulina Luna. She said she was Jewish. Now it looks like her granddaddy was a nazi. These people are truly truly fucked up. More: Washington Post

LOLOL
Mike Pence got a subpoena from Jack Smith. Ol’ Jackie appears to be closing in on orange Capone. We’re waiting to see if Pence will claim he can’t appear because there might be a woman in the room and mother doesn’t like that. More: Huff Post

Today’s clips
Rescuers pulled several people alive from the shattered remnants of buildings on Friday, some who survived more than 100 hours trapped under crushed concrete in the bitter cold after a catastrophic earthquake slammed Turkey and Syria, killing more than 22,000. More:

Test results Thursday confirmed that Sen. John Fetterman (D-Pa.), who was hospitalized on Wednesday after feeling lightheaded at a political gathering, is not experiencing another stroke, according to his Senate office team. More:

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