9.8.23 Eat it, Gym

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s no longer using the bathroom on the third floor though so you can stop knocking on the goddamn door, Dave.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We actually freaking did it. We made it to the weekend. Sure it was a short week, but a short week living under the threat of fascism is always gonna feel long. Especially when the “Red Wave” people and pundits keep telling us shit we already know.

Yes, we already know Joe Biden is old. So are a lot of cool people we like. Yes, we already know the race will be close. Trump was playing golf while thousands of Americans were dying and 74 million of the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet still voted for him. Yes, we know Biden could lose. We lived through 2016, and we shan’t soon forget it.

But guess what — we ain’t scared. You know why? Because Joe Biden is the greatest jobs president of all time and Donald Trump is a criminal, a rapist and the sick piece of human garbage who attacked our Capitol. You know the other reason Biden is gonna win? You. We know your hot asses and we know there’s no way in hell you’re letting that orange shit-for-brains back in our White House.

So fuck the polls. You remember in A League of Their Own when Tom Hanks says “there’s no crying in baseball?” Well TBS says there’s no pissing your pants in politics. CNN and their ilk want to scare us. They keep forgetting we lived through “President” Trump. We ain’t pissing ourselves. We’re just getting madder. And the dirty sonsofbitches trying to destroy our country are gonna find out just how mad on Election Day next year.

Deep breaths, SPs. We’ll show ‘em all. Again. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: That feels like the first time we’ve ever used “shan’t” in TBS. We like it.

Note three: Want to hear these profane and occasionally whimsical rants about the state of American politics instead of just reading them? Well sign up for This Week’s Big Stuff, our short weekly round-up podcast. Not only will you hear what “fuck Tommy Tuberville” sounds like in a Kentucky accent, but you’ll be helping us to keep TBS going. Sexy offer, right? More: This Week’s Big Stuff

Note four: It seems like an objective fact that Ron DeSantis is a racist piece of shit. Zero pinocchios, right? George Wallace was more subtle than this asshole.

Note five: As we were writing this morning we learned that the special grand jury in Georgia recommended many many more indictments that for whatever reason Fulton County DA Fani Willis didn’t pursue. We’re not gonna second guess her moves here, but goddamnit Lindsey Graham should’ve been fucking indicted. More: HuffPost

Note six: The USA men’s basketball team lost in the World Cup this morning. We’re sure Trump and his scum are attacking them nonstop. Oh they only do that for women’s teams? Weird how that happens.

Note seven: Sam Alito wrote a letter telling Dick Durbin to go fuck himself. Durbin, who is notoriously weak, had asked the corrupt justice to recuse himself from upcoming cases in which one of the parties is represented by the same lawyers who keep interviewing Alito for the WSJ. So not only is this Supreme Court totally broken, but it’s pretty dickish about it too. More: Washington Examiner

Note eight: Elon Musk confirmed that he sabotaged Ukrainian forces in an effort to help Russia bomb more innocent people. We have a snake in our house, and we need to do something about it. One deranged fuckhead doesn’t get to decide the fate of the world. More: NBC

Note nine: Florida’s Supreme Court is hearing arguments on the state’s abortion ban. One of the justices is married to the lawmaker who sponsored the six-week ban. So yeah that’s fucked up. More: Orlando Sentinel

Note 10: What Tommy Tuberville is doing to the US military is beyond sick. He’s hurting the people who sign up to die for this country. What kind of soulless monster does shit like this? More: WRAL

Note 11: So they weren’t spending it on drugs. Go figure.

Note 12: Vox has a good look at how the Republican Party in Wisconsin wants to rule forever. This is some scary shit. More: Vox

Note 13: Wanna hear some groovy shit? California voted to decriminalize psychedelics yesterday. Now we’re waiting to hear if Gavin Newsom will sign it. We’re sure his genocidal friend Elon will encourage him to do so. More: LA Times

Note 14: Dark Brandon is in New Delhi today for the G20 leaders summit. It’s nice to have a grown up for a president so we can basically ignore these boring international summits without having to worry about some fucking idiot embarrassing our whole country. More: CNN

Note 15: Speaking of Dark Brandon, his campaign team has rolled out an ad about his secret trip to Ukraine. It’s a good reminder that only one candidate in this race is standing with the forces of democracy over tyranny. More: NBC

Note 16: CONGRATS, COCO!!! Coco Gauff is headed to the US Open finals. Watch this and tell us you don’t get a tear in your eye to go with the giant smile on your face.

Note 17: Congratulations to Tahesha Way, the new lieutenant governor of New Jersey. More: Politico

Note 18: Fetterman going off on JD Vance is just straight up fucking delicious. More: Business Insider

Note 19: We like to end on a good note. So here’s a story about how Trump held a fundraiser to help Rudy pay for his legal bills. Why is this a good note? Well we just love reading about how broke and desperate Rudy’s sorry wrinkled ass is. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all have had a great week. We know you’re not scared. We know you’re pissed off and ready to fight some fucking fascism. And we also know you’re ready to look good doing it. Love y’all!

Guilty!

So believe it or not but Peter Guilty is guilty of contempt of Congress. Yeah we know. He seemed so goddamn innocent. A jury didn’t need long to convict the former Trump aide who promptly went outside to start whining and begging for money only to have the amazing @SatireAp waiting for him. Navarro will be sentenced on Jan. 12. That’ll be a fun day.

More: AP

Eat it, Gym

We were way more excited about this section before we learned about Lindsey Graham and Mike Flynn getting passes, but we’re still Team Fani. For the most part. And we were damn happy to see her fire back at Gym Jordan’s bullshit with a righteous fury. Not only did she set his sorry ass straight, she also embarrassed him to hell and back. Go Fani! And please indict Lindsey. He really needs it.

More: NBC

Scared

We told y’all we aren’t scared. But you know who is? Republicans. Yeah, they know they fucked up when they stripped basic human rights from millions of Americans and now they think they can weasel their way out of it. Their latest plan? Stop using the word “pro-life,” which everyone now associates with controlling fascist scum and instead start using “pro-baby,” which would be a neat trick for a party that hates children after they’re born. We’ve got them scared and on the run, y’all. And we ain’t letting up.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Hurricane Lee on Friday charged through warm Atlantic waters as the season’s first Category 5 storm, threatening to unleash heavy swells across the northeast Caribbean. More: HuffPost

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) told reporters on Capitol Hill Thursday he was not involved in any conversations with Trump allies about the possibility of him presiding over the Jan. 6, 2021 joint session of Congress. More: TPM

Spanish state prosecutors have accused Luis Rubiales of sexual assault and coercion for kissing a player on the lips without her consent after the Women’s World Cup final, the country’s prosecutors’ office said Friday. More: HuffPost