9.7.23 Have a good day, Pete!

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. What if it was a newsletter about Corvettes though? That would be pretty damn cool.

Note: Well congratu-fucking-lations, America. Sexy Patriots, we hate to break this to your hot asses but we just got kicked in the taint — twice! — by Mexico when it comes to basic human rights…

And electing women leaders…

ARGHHHH!!! Seriously what the fuck are we even doing here? It’s like Canada and Mexico are the bread on an asshole sandwich! Are we going for the all-time fucking Bronze Medal of North American countries?! We’re grabbing third place like we changed our name from USA to CNN! Goddamnit!

We’d love to just be using this space to congratulate Mexico on recognizing that women are human beings and capable leaders and not just fucking incubators, but we’re too busy sprinting backwards as a country and treating women like fucking incubators. And it can still get so much worse!

Yesterday Hillary Clinton was on twitter asking why the mainstream media doesn’t give two shits about the Alabama AG wanting to track women’s travel. It’s a damn fair question. Here’s ours — how many other countries are gonna pass our backwards asses? How much will be enough? Well we know how you Sexy Patriots would answer that — it was enough a long goddamn time ago.

We got work to do, y’all. Because the only people who can turn this crapfest around are us. Y’all have a blessed day. And congrats to Mexico for being cool and shit.

Note two: They’re sending out the VP! Vice President Kamala Harris is hitting college campuses to energize the youth vote. College in fall? We’re jealous. More: ABC

Note three: We got us another hurricane forming. Everybody please be safe out there. And if you can, get out a sharpie and get this storm to wash out all them Florida nazis. More: CBS

Note four: Dark Brandon travels more than Trump did. Thanks to HuffPo for doing the research on that instead of just talking about his age all day. More: HuffPost

Note five: Saudi Arabia wants Americans to suffer from high gas prices so we’ll re-elect Trump. It’s really pretty shocking to consider how many powerful forces are lined up to take down Joe Biden and American democracy. More: CNN

Note six: Trump is too much of a shit-eating fraidy cat to debate other Republicans, but he wants to debate Meghan Markle? Gosh. What is it about her that makes him want to hit the debate stage? Sure is hard to figure out.

Note seven: Congratulations to Carl Nassib! The first openly gay NFL player is retiring. Thanks for being yourself and showing others the way, Carl! More: ESPN

Note eight: How much do we love John Fetterman? This man is out here daring Republicans to impeach Biden and calling it a “big circle jerk.” Can we get more Democratic senators who aren’t afraid to talk like this please? More: NBC

Note nine: A federal judge told Texas Gov. Greg Abbott that he has to take his floating death traps out of the fucking river. We’re sure Abbott is already dreaming up ways to kill more migrants. More: CNN

Note 10: Kenneth Chesbro (we still don’t believe this is a real name) and Sydney Powell will be tried together. We know this after the two already lost once in court. Off to a good start! More: Fox5 Atlanta

Note 11: Is Mike Huckabee seriously fucking threatening America? Um ok. Hey if there’s a Civil War can we call Mike as our guy to fight? We would feel pretty good about those odds. Also, where are the civility police who howled and cried when this asshole’s daughter wasn’t welcomed in a restaurant because she’s a lying piece of shit?

Note 12: If you’re not watching Winning Time on HBO or whatever it’s called now, you’re totally missing out. Adrien Brody as Pat Reilly is must-see tv. We’ve been trying to get into Ashoka but we think we might just be too old.

Note 13: We’re starting to think this Ken Paxton fella ought to be in jail and not an attorney general. More: AP

Note 14: If y’all are anything like us, you totally keep forgetting just how many different legal troubles Trump has. We had no idea he’s going to trial in like four weeks in New York. We’re gonna have to start writing this shit on our hands. More: CNBC

Note 15: Officer Brian Sicknick’s brother is calling out Republicans for being liars and cowards. He sent a letter to McCarthy and McConnell. Will any reporters have the guts to ask about it? More: ABC

Note 16: We almost piss ourselves laughing every single time we see the Biden social media team use this picture of Trump.

Note 17: Senate Republicans are spending the day trying to ram through a mask ban. JD Vance wants to make sure nothing is between his lips and Trump’s ass. More: WLWT

Note 18: Mitch McConnell said yesterday he ain’t going anywhere and he’s going to say a soulless asshead. Ok fine he only said one of those things. More: HuffPost

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note, so today we’ll encourage you to check out this awesome Vogue story about the White House press secretary. More: Vogue

Note 20: And on that delightful note, let’ go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week. We also hope y’all are ready to do some work to turn this country around. Otherwise Mexico and Canada are gonna start talking about building walls. Love y’all!

This ain’t good

We’ve known for a while that super bigot Elon Musk is a Putin kiss ass. But now we know that Elon is actively sabotaging Ukraine forces as they fight for their freedom against Russian invaders. According to a new butt-kissing biography of Musk, the tech bro taint mouth had his engineers turn off the Starlink satellites for Ukrainian forces while they were approaching a sneak attack on the Russian navy. Hey, America, maybe we should do something about this fucking guy having so many government contracts.

More: CNN

Thank god he ain’t winning

Ron DeSantis is such a coward. And a loser. And apparently a terrorist sympathizer. In an interview yesterday, DeSantis put on a sad face about Proud Boys scum Enrique Tarrio being sentenced to 22 years in prison for a conspiracy against the United States. DeSantis said when he’s president he’ll pardon or commute some of the Jan. 6 sentences. Here’s the good news — that weird motherfucker ain’t never gonna be president.

More: Mediaite

Have a good day, Pete!

Peter Navarro went on trial this week. It’s ending today. Navarro is on trial for contempt of Congress after refusing to spill what he knew about the attack on the Capitol. It’s been a quick trial. Closing arguments are this morning and we could get a verdict pretty quick. We hope Navarro is sentenced to have to be constantly followed around by @SatireAP. Ok we actually hope he gets sentenced to a buttload of prison time.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

The Biden administration announced Wednesday it will cancel seven Trump-era oil and gas leases in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and protect more than 13 million acres in the federal National Petroleum Reserve in Alaska, stymieing a years-long attempt to drill in the protected region. More: CNN

The special counsel appointed to oversee the federal investigation into Hunter Biden intends to seek a grand jury indictment of the president's son before the end of September, the prosecutor's office said Wednesday in a court filing. More: NBC