9.6.23 Turtle trouble

Be advised: This newsletter uses excessive amounts of profanity. Because telling Tommy Tuberville to fudge off and burn in heck would sound pretty fucking stupid.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How’s this short week treating you? Oh that’s good! And hey, at least you didn’t get sentenced to 22 years in the clink for being a treasonous piece of shit who threw his life away for a fucking gameshow host lol. Thank goodness this was an isolated incident and this a-hole didn’t have any ties to anyone in a position of power…

Oooooooh that’s right. Republicans are friends with the domestic terrorists who attacked our democracy. It makes us wonder if these assheads ever really gave two shits about law and order to begin with. So we figured we’d ask them.

TBS: Hi! Thanks so much for joining us today.

Law and Order: Thank you for having us. Most people just want to talk to our famous cousins who are a television show.

TBS: And a great show at that. But no, we wanted to ask what you make of all these Republicans hanging out with seditious conspirators who attacked the US Capitol.

Law: Well it sure looks like shit, don’t it? I’ve never even met Ted Cruz but there his stank ass is hanging out with a damn traitor.

Order: Yeah it’s pretty fucked up. They don’t seem to care about us at all.

TBS: But they talk about you all the time.

Order: They talk about their kids all the time too, but I bet they can’t even remember their names.

Law: If it were up to me, all these sick shitheads would be sharing a cell together.

TBS: Sounds good to us. So what’s next for y’all?

Law: Honestly I could use a break. Way too many people have been testing me these last seven years.

Order: I think America is pretty much done with me so I’m looking at some property outside of Toronto.

TBS: Well that’s a fucking bummer. But thanks for joining us!

We knew it! Those phony sonsofbitches never even met Law and Order. They’re like us with Dolly Parton — talk about her all the time but she couldn’t pick us out of a police line-up. Also, are we the only ones surprised Law and Order have such filthy mouths? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Some Trump judges are trying to protect a traitor in Congress. It sucks to be constantly reminded that the fuckhead who attacked America is the same fuckhead who appointed a whole buttload of judges. More: Politico

Note three: Remember how Trump pretended to be shocked when FBI agents searched Mar-a-Lago for all that shit he stole from us? Well you won’t believe this, but it turns out he was lying and he was warned it would happen. Shocking, right? More: ABC

Note four: COCO!!! Hell yeah to tennis superstars Coco Gauff and Ben Shelton on earning spots in the US Open semifinals. Gauff is the first American teenager to make it that far since Serena did it more than 20 years ago. We’re rooting for y’all!!! More: ESPN

Note five: There is so much awful and true shit you can say about Trump. But damn this man is a hottie. LOLOL!

Note six: Thank you to Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse for staying on offense against a corrupt Supreme Court. Now where’s the chairman of Senate Judiciary and the rest of the caucus? More: HuffPost

Note seven: Y’all know we’ve been wondering for a while what the hell is going on with Sen. Chris Murphy. Apparently we’re not the only ones. More: CT Post

Note eight: Oh look. Another so-called moderate Republican revealing their true feelings about abortion behind closed doors. We’ve got races to win in Virginia, y’all. More: Richmond Times Dispatch

Note nine: After getting smacked down by three Republican-appointed judges for being racist assholes, Alabama Republicans are going back to the SCOTUS to ask pretty please with a cherry on top can they be racist assholes some more. More: AL

Note 10: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Peter Navarro’s trial started yesterday. You know what that means. Hello there, @SatireAP. GUESS WHO’S BACK… BACK AGAIN…

Note 11: It’s the opposite of breaking news to report that Rand Paul is lower than a snail’s dick. But using footage of Gov. Andy Beshear’s daughter in an attack ad? We’re gonna have to find something lower. More: Lexington Herald Leader (Paywall)

Note 12: There are still miles to go before he sleeps, but Andy Beshear appears to be doing pretty well in his re-election race. Beshear’s internals have him leading Republican Daniel Cameron by 9 points. What will the pundits say if a Democrat wins in Red Kentucky again this November? NO LINK AVAILABLE

Note 13: We keep meaning to make fun of Tucker Carlson more, but tbh we keep forgetting that fucking loser exists. It seems he’s gotten SUPER pathetic even for him. Calling Obama gay, bro? How edgy. NO LINK

Note 14: Spain fired their women’s soccer coach yesterday. Here’s a crazy idea — fire all the sexist assholes who ruined the greatest sports achievement in these women’s lives and keep the women who actually achieved the damn thing. More: HuffPost

Note 15: National polls and shitty always-wrong pundits got you down? This might help.

Note 16: Goddamnit. Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner are divorcing. If these two megastars-who-we’re-not-hip-enough-to-actually-know-anything-about can’t make it, who can? More: NBC

Note 17: Is George Santos trying to make a deal to stay out of jail? Or is he just losing his shit? The answer to us seems to be yes. More: TPM

Note 18: The Vice President is in Indonesia saying anyone responsible for Jan. 6 should be held accountable. We hear what she’s laying down and we love it. More: HuffPost

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note so HUGE congrats to former Biden WH aide Gabe Amo on winning the special congressional primary in Rhode Island last night. If he wins, Amo will be the first Black congressman the state has ever had. Those Biden folks sure like winning a whole lot. More: AP

Note 20: And on that victorious note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a lovely week and not going to prison for being traitors. Just kidding. We know you’re wayly, too damn sexy and patriotic for that. Love y’all!

Turtle trouble

Mitch McConnell is totally and completely fine. Yep. Totally and completely fine. That’s according to the US Capitol doctor and Mitch himself. You know, when he can talk. Mitch returned to the Senate floor yesterday to talk some shit and get stabbed in the shell by his fellow GOP scumbags. We’ve obviously got no love for Mitch, but we’re not sure we’d wish a diagnosis from Rand Paul on even our worst enemy. Ok just this once. How long can this go on?

More: HuffPost

Bye-bye

Y’all know from the opening note and all the attention it got that Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio was sentenced yesterday to 22 years in the pen. Would it be tacky to write these dudes in prison and tell them they’re traitors? Probably, right? Guess we should instead just go on living happy lives that we didn’t flush down the shitter for some fucking gameshow host.

More: AP

Save Janet; Save democracy

Some stupid Republican attacks on Judge Janet in Wisconsin were rejected yesterday. It should put an end to their impeachment bullcrap and in America it would. But we’re not sure which country or even planet some of these assholes are living on. The good news is Democrats aren’t taking shit shit lying down, and they are launching $4 million in ads making clear to the people of Wisconsin that Republicans hate them and don’t believe their vote matters. Hell yeah, light ‘em up!

More: AP, JS Online

Today’s clips

Sometimes a misguided headline in the Times reflects the misguided text underneath it. But as the “partisan politics” headline shows, even when the Times gets serious about right-wing extremism, its headlines often do not. More: Courier

New York Attorney General Letitia James on Tuesday requested that the state’s Supreme Court sanction Donald Trump and other defendants in her $250 million civil suit against him, accusing them of “frivolous conduct.” More: HuffPost

Secretary of State Antony Blinken made an unannounced visit to Ukraine on Wednesday, his fourth trip to the country since Russia's invasion, the State Department confirmed. More: ABC