9.5.23 Come on down, Ken

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity, and not everyone digs that shit. Only the cool people.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you?! We’ve missed the living poop out of y’all! And while we’re excited to see you, we’re also shouting because we’re nervous. It seems that one of last week’s TBSes — the one where we said we’d wish Joe Biden would stop being so fucking nice to Republicans — got back to the man himself. Yeah, Dark Brandon was pissed…

Whooooooo boy! He is fired up! And while that’s something we totally want to celebrate and encourage, we’re afraid there is more to the story. So here now, joining us in a totally not real way, is Dark Brandon himself…

TBS: Wow. What an honor! Thanks for joining us, sir.

DB: Oh so now it’s “sir,” you whiny little shits?

TBS: Whoa. That seems unnecessary.

DB: You think I don’t hear your bellyaching about me being too nice to Republicans?

TBS: Well we just think about all the damage Mitch McConnell has done and we wish…

DB: What the fuck is wrong with you guys? Dude can’t talk. I was being nice. Most Americans want a nice president or they would’ve voted for that hate-filled piece of shit whose ass I whooped.

TBS: Ok that’s fair.

DB: Let me ask you geniuses a question — how many presidential elections have you wimps won?

TBS: Well zero.

DB: That’s right, motherfuckers. But Dark Brandon is 3-0. So maybe just stop complaining, check out my jobs record and let’s go kick fascism in the taint.

TBS: We can do that. Thanks for joining us, sir.

DB: So help me god don’t make me come back here.

TBS: We won’t.

Ok so we’ve had a bit of a change of heart about criticizing Dark Brandon. Mostly because we don’t want a taste of Really Dark Brandon. He seems kinda dangerous. We hope y’all understand. Have a blessed day.

Note two: HUGE congratulations to Kyle and Amanda on their engagement this weekend! Kyle is the very smart person who makes TBS look more competent and attractive than it actually is. We are endlessly grateful to him and endlessly happy for him. We wish them a lifetime of happiness in a functioning democracy on a livable planet.

Note three: Sadly, it wasn’t all happy news this weekend as the world lost Jimmy Buffett. We weren’t devoted enough to dare and call ourselves Parrotheads, but we sure as hell drank a lot of booze singing Pirate at 40. Rest easy, captain. More: People

Note four: Wisconsin Republicans have decided what the people of Wisconsin want simply doesn’t matter. While we’re disgusted to watch these scumbags hijack democracy to protect their bullshit gerrymandering, we’re kinda excited to see how pissed off Wisconsinites get after it happens. More: CNN

Note five: Last week the Daily Beast had a story about the 15-year-old New Hampshire reporter who has been repeatedly bullied by the DeSantis campaign. Instead of folding and kissing DeSantis’s nazi-loving ass like the national press did, the kid held his ground.

Note six: HUGE win in Alabama this morning as a federal court said the state has to produce new congressional maps like SCOTUS told them to. You might recall that after being forced to create a second majority Black district, the state said no thanks we’d rather be racist. Well now a federal court is having its own person draw the maps. More: NPR

Note seven: State Rep. Gloria Johnson, one of the Tennessee Three, announced today she is running against Sen. Marsha Blackburn. We’d sure as hell love to see Blackburn’s term as an endless joke come to an end, but we’re skeptical of such a deep red state. Still, you can’t win if you don’t run. Give ‘em hell, Gloria! More: Wate

Note eight: We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again — Bill Maher sucks. More: The Wrap

Note nine: So we thought long and hard about it and we’ve decided not to make fun of the people who got trapped at Burning Man. But it sure was weird as hell to check our email this weekend and see that the president had been briefed on the situation. More: Yahoo

Note 10: We mentioned DeSantis earlier. Shall we check in on how he’s doing?

Note 11: We’ve stayed off this whole 14th Amendment thing because it just seemed like wishful thinking to us. But can you imagine if Trump has to get a corrupt SCOTUS to put him on the ballot? More: HuffPost

Note 12: RIP to former New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson. That man brought a lot of hostages back to this country, and really he was just a damn nice guy. More: AP

Note 13: On Friday, Biden went to Florida to survey storm damage and offer support. DeSantis refused to be seen with him. The media both-sides that. But Rick Scott showed up and showered praise on Biden. Do you have any idea how hard you have to work to be a bigger piece of shit than Rick Scott? More: Politico

Note 14: Just a reminder that September is here. And Republicans are going to shut down the government next month if they can’t protect Trump and impeach Biden. So get ready for a really fucking stupid month.

Note 15: We just want to say — it wasn’t us.

Note 16: Peter Navarro’s trial starts today. LOL. We sure hope @SatireAP will be there making his life more of a hell than it already is. More: CNN

Note 17: Congrats to former Treasury Secretary Jack Lew, who Biden just tapped to be ambassador to Israel. More: CNN

Note 18: The military secretaries are sick of Tommy Tuberville’s bullshit. We are too. Has anyone seen any Senate Democrats? Because we feel like we’ve heard from like three of them this year. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, so here’s a story about how Trump’s co-defendants are already turning on him. LOL. More: Politico

Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a wonderful Labor Day weekend. It’s hard to believe that a year from now we’ll be sprinting toward an existential showdown for the future of democracy. Hope y’all got some rest. Love y’all!

Come on down, Ken

Impeached Texas asshole Ken Paxton is going on trial today. Yeah the miserable piece of anus skin who has been breaking the law for years, is finally facing the music. Sorta. Arguments being today as the trial gets underway after decades of corruption. We don’t know how this is gonna go for ol’ Kenny boy, but we’re hoping the answer is badly. We saw Matt Schlapp defending him yesterday so that can’t be good. Good luck, dipshit!

More: HuffPost

This fucking guy

Remember when the New York Times pretended to be confused by Elon Musk’s politics? Well after a weekend of lifting up nazis and attacking the ADL, Musk on Sunday said that twitter is going to file a lawsuit against the anti-hate organization. So yeah, he’s literally blaming the Jews for his shitty management of twitter. We get why Republicans like this fucker so much, but just last week Gov. Gavin Newsom and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer were lifting this asshole up. Why?

More: CNN

Get well soon!

Some upsetting news over the weekend as First Lady Jill Biden tested positive for COVID. The president is so far in the clear and testing negative, but this is a bummer. In fact, the whole new fucking wave is a bummer. We’re really trying not to be too mad at Biden over this shit, but where was the plan? How did nobody in the White House see this coming with school starting back? Anyway, none of this is Dr. Biden’s fault and we hope she makes a quick and full recovery.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

In a state where congressional openings are rare and Democratic primaries are typically decisive, a special primary election in Rhode Island on Tuesday pits a staunch progressive against three rivals who would break new demographic ground in Congress. More: HuffPost

A self-described "sergeant of arms" for the Proud Boys and a member of the far-right extremist group were sentenced to a combined 28 years in federal prison for their roles in the Jan. 6 riot at the U.S. Capitol in 2021. More: NPR