9.28.23 We really doing this?

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. It will keep cussing in the event of a government shutdown. In fact, the cussing will probably get louder and more vulgar if and when that stupid shit happens.

Note: Well goddamnit, Sexy Patriots. Yeah, we know that’s not the sunniest or most optimistic greeting in the world, but what can we say? Goddamnit. Y’all know we love us some Dark Brandon. Y’all also know how much it drives us crazy when he talks about his friendship with Mitch McConnell or makes ol’ turtle taint seem like less than the demonic figure that he is. And wouldn’t you know he was at it again yesterday…

Oh wait. That actually seems like a good thing. Like smart politics. Like Dark Brandon has been doing this for a long time and actually knows what he’s doing when he uses turtle man to isolate the other extremists and make them look like shit. Is it our style? Of course not. We likely would’ve written a tweet for the president that said something like “See? Even this evil turtle dick motherfucker gets what’s happening!” But we appreciate that Dark Brandon prefers a different and kinder approach.

So please keep going, you miserable Republican dumbshits. You’re only making Dark Brandon stronger. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Ewwww. We realize he’s making our point for us, but we sure fucking hate agreeing with McConnell on anything. We’ll be right back. Gonna take a REALLY hot shower.

Note three: And we’re back! Did y’all watch that debate last night? Oh good. It was really gross and we’d be worried about you if you watched it. Here’s the main takeaway — they all suck. More: HuffPost

Note four: Chris Christie needs to keep Jill Biden’s name out of his mouth. He should also probably stop talking about Donald Duck. More: The Hill

Note five: LOLOL!!! Got him!

Note six: Joe Biden is in Arizona today honoring John McCain by announcing the creation of a John McCain library. Republicans are already trying to ban any books that might be included. We’re mostly kidding about the second part. More: AP

Note seven: Did y’all know someone named Will Hurd was running for president in the Republican Party? Yeah we didn’t either. Might be fake. We’re checking on it. More: The Hill

Note eight: Btw, North Carolina (come on and raise up) has done a lot of dumb and scary shit lately, but they finally expanded Medicaid and that’s just awesome. More: AP

Note nine: If you really hate yourself, read this interview with Peter Daou. He was a Hillary guy who is now running Cornel West’s campaign. We’d try to describe what he says but we don’t speak delusional self-important dumbfuck. More: New Yorker

Note 10: Y’all won’t believe this but Donald Trump is full of shit…

Note 11: Peter Navarro is getting sentenced Jan. 12. Lol. (twitter)

Note 12: Oh look. Another family values asshole fucking the lobbyists who fuck the rest of us. More: Business Insider

Note 13: The press can both sides this bullshit as much as they want, but the bottom line is Glen Youngkin and Virginia Republicans are going to ban abortion if they win this November. We gonna let that happen? More: AP

Note 14: Apparently Kushner tried to get Marty Baron fired at the Washington Post over the Russia coverage. We bet Kushner is just fine with the paper’s coverage these days. More: Guardian

Note 15: Here are the real stakes of this shutdown bullshit. Thank you to Rachel Scott for doing this quality journalism. That’s not snark. We’re actually really grateful.

Note 16: Tennessee Republicans have lost their fucking minds. Ok we already knew that but rejecting $1.8 billion in federal education funds?! Tennessee politicians want the kids there to be just as dumb as they are. More: News Channel 5

Note 17: Well the Senate did that stupid Romney-Manchin dress code crap. We’re sure they’re gonna move on to fixing child poverty next. Right? More: CNN

Note 18: Wait. We gave a fucking Space Force contract to Elon the Nazi? Wait. We’re still doing this Space Force shit? More: CNBC

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a good note, so here you go…

Note 20: And on that reassuring note, let’s go do some news! The week is almost over, SPs. Kinda like Ron DeSantis’s political career. Love y’all!

$1

Marjorie Taylor Greene and Republicans are so proud of themselves. Yesterday they voted to reduce the Secretary of Defense’s salary to $1. They also voted to remove Ukraine funding. They also voted to suck. Yeah, they’re the worst and they just keep attacking the US military which used to be really bad politics. But racism used to be really bad politics too. So yeah this is what the scum are doing as the clock ticks toward a shutdown.

More: Stars and Stripes

Not going anywhere

Sorry, Donnie, but Judge Chutkan ain’t going anywhere. Yesterday the judge in Trump’s Jan. 6 case denied his motion for her to recuse. We all know Trump wanted to get this moved to one of his “judges” so he could get attacking the Capitol legalized but that ain’t happening. This is an early win for justice.

More: AP

We really doing this?

So Republicans actually went ahead with their impeachment hearing bullshit this morning and it’s even dumber than you thought it would. One of their star witnesses, a fella named Jonathan Turdley or something, even says the evidence hasn’t risen to the point of high crimes and misdemeanors. Probably because there ain’t no evidence, Turdley. As infuriating as this shit is with a government shutdown just around the corner, Jamie Raskin is doing hero duty and eating these fuckers’ lunches. Oh and 56-39 voters say Republicans shouldn’t be doing this shit.

More: Guardian, NBC

Today’s clips

Gen. Mark Milley, the outgoing chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said that he is taking appropriate measures to ensure his safety and that of his family after former President Donald Trump attacked the top military leader by suggesting he is a traitor who deserves to be executed. More: HuffPost