9.27.23 Thank you, Mr. President

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it fell out of the cussing tree and hit every last goddamn branch on the way down.

Note: You know, Sexy Patriots, there are some days this opening note writes itself. Like not literally because there’s not an AI program in the world that’s damaged enough to write and cuss like we do. No, we just mean that some days it’s really fucking obvious what we’re gonna write about.

And you can bet your hot ass that we knew what we were gonna write about when Trump Org got the death penalty for being lying scum on the same day Hillary Clinton spent her time doing this…

Amazing. What do you say, SPs? Shall we take a moment to bask in how right we were and how pants-shittingly stupid this country was? She was never a criminal. She was never what they called her or made her out to be. She’s just someone who has tried to lead America to fulfill its promise, and they hated her because she was a woman who said and did things they didn’t think women should be saying or doing. The guy she ran against, however, actually is a criminal piece of shit. Many, many times over. Like seriously more times than we can count. Like he’s on an actual crime spree that has been happening for like fucking years. Seriously. This is not hyperbole, folks.

So today we have a simple assignment for you — please gloat your hot asses off. Gloat because you were right and everybody else was not. Gloat because she would’ve been a brilliant president and instead we got Al Capon’t and a goddamn attack on the US Capitol. Gloat because some people still need to hear it. And gloat because it’s better than crying again over some really infuriating and dumb that shit none of us can change. So gloat!!!

Congratulations, Madam Secretary. Thank you for all your service. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Also, we know we should put this in the news section but we want to make sure you don’t miss a New York state judge killing the Trump Organization because its too fucking corrupt and the Trumps are too fucking dishonest. While you’re gloating, be sure to point and laugh at this shit… More: HuffPost

Note three: Think about it for a second. Like really think about it — Trump is a rapist and a fraud. And that’s according to judges in his home state. Seems almost as important as Joe Biden’s age, don’t it?

Note four: When the fuck is Bob Menendez resigning? More: HuffPost

Note five: We like presidents who don’t brag about being bribed by Saudi Arabia.

Note six: Joe Manchin is seriously going through with this dress code thing. We think there should be a requirement that US Senators aren’t allowed to wear their own asses as hats. NO LINK

Note seven: Baseball fans, please join us in saying RIP to Brooks Robinson. More: ESPN

Note eight: Hey remember how Trump kidnapped a bunch of kids to try and teach their parents a lesson about immigration or cruelty or some shit? Well good on you if you said yes because the press basically forgot. But the parents didn’t. They’re suing. And a federal judge says that Jeff Session and Kirstjen Nielsen have to testify. Guess they’ll need a day pass from hell. More: Washington Post

Note nine: Paul Gosar is more evil than Satan’s butthole and nobody ever seems to give a damn. Does he have to be a member of the squad for the press to get outraged? More: HuffPost

Note 10: We’re gonna talk about this more but weren’t you proud of our president yesterday? This was some of that good goosebumps shit.

Note 11: We mentioned this yesterday but we want to congratulate the writers on ending their strike and getting a fair deal. And thank you to everyone who stood with them. Sam has been driving by Paramount and honking for weeks and nobody seems to know if he’s supportive or just insane anymore. Now let’s keep pushing for a fair deal for the actors! More: Deadline

Note 12: Remember how we told you yesterday about SCOTUS shocking us and not giving racist Alabama fuckheads a way out of drawing a new map? Well the fuckheads were not happy about it. Sucks for them though ‘cause that’s a seat we just picked up. Hell yeah! More: WSFA

Note 13: Fox News has a story about James Carville going on Bill Maher’s podcast to trash Democrats. We were gonna link to it but then we remembered we don’t hate you or ourselves and both those dudes can go shit in their own mouths.

Note 14: Even Mitch McConnell is arguing against a shutdown. How fucking soulless and dumb does your party have to be for an evil demonic turtle to become the voice of reason? More: The Hill

Note 15: This made us laugh and we’re not sorry about it. If the Secret Service won’t clean house, then Commander will.

Note 16: WOOHOO!!!! A federal judge said that Texas’s anti-drag law is unconstitutional and issued a permanent injunction. Thank goodness but this has to be a no-brainer, right? What kind of shit-ass country would ban drag? A shit-ass country that hates fun and free expression, that’s what kind. More: Texas Tribune

Note 17: The Republican presidential debate is tonight. Unfortunately we made plans to cut off our own buttcheeks with a rusty fork and then eat them for dessert. We’re kidding but that does sound better than an evening with Ron DeSantis. More: HuffPost

Note 18: So yeah Tommy Tuberville is SUPER racist. Seriously what fucking year is this dickhead living in? What fucking year are we living in?

Note 19: You probably don’t know this because her press coverage sucks for reasons that are really fucking obvious, but Vice President Kamala Harris has been on the road, hitting campuses as part of her “Fight for our freedoms” college tour. She’s out there crushing it, y’all. We just don’t hear about it. More: AJC

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let us go do some news! We hope y’all are having the best week and we hope that opening note has you gloating like a sonofabitch. Just all over the place. You’ve earned it. Love y’all!

Thank you, Mr. President

Well that was just cool as all hell. A sitting president on the picket line. One of the men who bailed out Detroit, standing with the workers. A president of the United States shouting through a bullhorn that working people deserve their share. This is the Dark Brandon we voted for. It’s the Dark Brandon we’re gonna vote for again. He stands where we do, and so we stand with him.

More: Freep

Fuck you, Mr. Not President

So Trump is going to Michigan today too. Yeah, he’s taking a break from threatening NBC and US generals with treason and execution so he can go pretend to give a shit about people who work for a living. Oh and HE’S GOING TO A NON-UNION SHOP BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING FRAUD. Anyway, you know the press is gonna both-sides this shit, but we know who really stood up this week. And if you’re not sure, just ask UAW prez Shawn Fain…

Sigh 

So while you were sleeping, Republicans continued to be a big goddamn joke, celebrating passing rules when they can’t pass anything else. We are now four days from a government shutdown after they took an extra long August recess and then spent all their time and energy on a bullshit impeachment. Fortunately, Joe Biden is calling them out. The press won’t talk about it but McCarthy made a deal with Democrats that he has now backed out on. Probably because he’s a lying piece of shit. Or as Biden said, because he’s desperate to keep his job. Stay on offense, Mr. President.

More: Bloomberg

Today’s clips

Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis, a target for racist abuse throughout her investigation into Donald Trump-led efforts to overturn the 2020 election result in Georgia, said threats against her are “a waste of time.” More: HuffPost

President Joe Biden’s campaign is out with a new ad slamming Donald Trump’s record with autoworkers ahead of Trump’s visit to the battleground state of Michigan, underscoring how critical working-class voters will be in the upcoming presidential election, as the country gears up for a potential Trump-Biden rematch in 2024. More: CNN