9.26.23 Less than five days

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. For example, it might say it’s really fucking sorry it missed you yesterday.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you this fine day? Sexy and furious at us for missing you yesterday? Well yeah we feel that and we’re hoping like hell you’ll accept our apology. Unfortunately we encountered some technical difficulties that, well in technical terms, fucked all our shit up. But we’re back, we’re cussing and we’re still sexy as all hell so let’s talk about Bob Mendenez.

It’s old news now that the senator who barely escaped charges before got busted again and this time with some really damning and infuriating shit. And that’s why we’ve decided to launch the TBS Bob Menendez Legal Defense Fund.

Oh wait. No we’re not. And you know why? Because we’re not in a cult of morons who give our money to rich criminal shitheads. He should resign. Then give him a fair trial and then lock his ass up. And we won’t shed a single tear or give a single shit. Notice how we’re not attacking the Capitol over this? Or wiping our ass with the constitution over this? Why? Well because he’s a corrupt piece of shit politician and only a goddamn moron in a goddamn moron cult would sell out their soul, their values, their common sense and their country for a corrupt piece of shit politician. But we suppose crazier things have happened.

Fuck off, Bob. Resign! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Goddamn we’re regretting these Bob Menendez face tattoos. Ugh.

Note three: These motherfuckers are going after Taylor Swift? LOL. Good luck with that, assholes! More: Rolling Stone

Note four: One thing we missed that we wanted to celebrate — HUGE congrats to the WGA on the tentative deal they’ve reached with the studios. They fought hard for what’s right, and goddamn we love to see when that pays off. Now let’s get some new Abbott Elementary asap! More: AP

Note five: Ok yeah this motherfucker has got to go lol…

Note six: LOL. This whole story about Trump trying to buy a gun is too funny. Our view is let the assface buy it. We’re guessing he doesn’t even know which way to point it and we’d be heading to an Elmer Fudd situation very quickly. More: CNBC

Note seven: Hunter Biden is suing Rudy Giuliani. That officially makes TBS the only people in the world who aren’t suing that rat-fucking fuckwad. So what should we sue his ass for? More: HuffPost

Note eight: The judge in Trump’s Georgia trial has ordered the identities of the jurors to remain secret. You know because the former president on trial is also a domestic terrorist piece of shit who happily uses violence to get what he wants. More: HuffPost

Note nine: House Republicans are still going ahead with their idiotic impeachment hearing. What do we mean when we say idiotic? Their star witness is Jonathan Turley. LOL. Good luck with that shit, losers! More: The Hill

Note 10: Whew. Huge relief just broke this morning as SCOTUS didn’t reward Alabama’s bullshit efforts to defy a court ruling over creating a second majority Black district. You might remember we were pretty worried that Kavanaugh was gonna pull some shit here, but it looks like Alabama is gonna have to get a little bit less racist.

Note 11: Donald Trump seems very confused. Yes, we realize that’s not breaking news. But surely the news could still talk about it more. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We want to extend the warmest congratulations and the deepest thanks to US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who played her last game in the red, white and blue this week. Thank you, Pinoe!!! More: USA Today

Note 13: Are we the only ones who forgot there’s a Republican presidential debate this week? Oh good. More: AP

Note 14: Poor Asa Hutchinson. He didn’t make the stage and we’re still not sure he’s even a real person. More: NBC

Note 15: Have you gotten your free COVID tests yet? More: Covid.gov

Note 16: Btw, Sam got his new COVID shot and flu shot on Friday afternoon. Little bit of a sore arm on Saturday and then he was out surfing again on Sunday. Get it done, y’all.

Note 17: We’ve talked and joked a lot about Bob Menendez today. It’s easy to focus on the scum in politics. But we should also remember there are good people too. And one of them is going to take on Menendez…

Note 18: We hate to bring this up, but Kyrsten Sinema. Yeah she told a bunch of donors she’s gonna win re-election because of all her Republican friends. Y’all wanna prove her wrong? Yeah we do too. More: NBC

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note and there are no happier notes than Jimmy Carter notes. In case you missed it, the (good) former guy made a public appearance last weekend to hit up Plains Peanut Parade. Looking good, Mr. President!

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We’re sorry again that we missed y’all yesterday. The guilt was really overwhelming. You can tell we’re not in the US Senate. Love y’all!

Less than five days

Good news, everybody! With just five days until a government shutdown, Congress is actually coming back to work today. Yeah, it’s a shitshow dumpster fire disaster. Matt Gaetz (Trump) is clearly running things, and it seems pretty obvious that Kevin McCarthy can keep the government open but he’s probably going to lose his job. And that’s the best case scenario. These fuckers are trying to gut law enforcement, education and Ukraine aide. Like we keep saying — as Americans, we’re horrified. As Democrats who want to win, we say keep going.

More: HuffPost

Hit the road!

It’s taking longer than it probably should but more and more Democrats are starting to call for Menendez to hit the road and resign. John Fetterman’s boss ass was the first to take this step. Speaker Pelosi said something similar over the weekend. And today both Jon Tester and Tammy Baldwin joined the chorus. The usual suspects like Dick the Derp Durbin are just fine with this corrupt asshole staying on. So thank you to the five Democratic senators who are standing up for what’s right.

More: HuffPost

Go Joe!

Today Joe Biden is making big fucking history. He’s a sitting president who is going to join a picket line. Fuck yeah, Joe! While Trump is going to Michigan tomorrow to sound like an idiot and hang out with non-union folks, Dark Brandon is putting his money where his mouth is and continuing to be the most pro-labor president we’ve ever had. This is a big one, y’all. Let’s get the man his due.

More: AP

Today’s clips

In her new book “Enough,” former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson paints the closing days of the Trump White House as even more chaotic and lawless than she previously disclosed in her shocking televised testimony last summer. President Donald Trump lashes out unpredictably and makes wild demands. Chief of staff Mark Meadows leaks classified documents to friendly right-wing media figures and burns documents. Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani gropes Hutchinson inappropriately the day of the Capitol insurrection. More: CNN

Librarians in public schools in Charlotte County, Florida, were instructed by the school district superintendent to remove all books with LGBTQ characters or themes from school and classroom libraries. More: Popular Info