9.21.23 Impeach-not

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It started not long after it learned to use the potty. And that wasn’t as long ago as you might think.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Thursday is upon us! And that means the weekend is near. And we don’t know about y’all, but on weekends we try to remind ourselves to stop and smell the roses. Wait. What? Look, it’s good advice but surely we can do better.

How about stop and laugh our fucking asses off at Ron DeSantis?

Yeah, that’s more like it. Carpe dingus, right? Seize the d-bag? It occurred to us yesterday that we were barely mentioning Pudding Fingered Fartmouth lately, and now we know why…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Oh god this is just too funny. The Sunshine State Suckwad is in an absolute freefall. Not only is he behind Trump, but now he’s also trailing Vivek Ramaswamy, Nikki Haley and Chris Christie. OUCH!!! That’s fifth place, y’all!!! And CNN has him at fourth!!!! This goofy sonofabitch is gonna get lapped by Doug Burgum and that’s not even a real person! We seriously can’t stop laughing. Every news story is about how miserable he is, and goddamnit that is our jam. After he drops out, you just know Trump is gonna make him put his tongue on some doodie or something lolol.

So while you’re doing your thang the rest of this week or this weekend, please remember to take time to stop and smell the roses and then laugh your fucking ass off at the humiliating failure of one of America’s most despicable bigoted assholes. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re not gonna talk about that a-hole much going forward. Mostly because of stuff like this. More: CNN

Note three: Rupert Murdoch is stepping down as head of Fox News. But don’t worry. His awful spawn is taking over and promising to make things even worse. It’s really staggering to think about how much damage these evil bastards have done. We really hope nobody buys that fucker a retirement cake. More: CNBC

Note four: The Atlantic has yet another story about Trump being shit-eating awful to a wounded US soldier. Republicans REALLY seem to hate the military. More: The Atlantic

Note five: The pundits might be confused about Trump’s position on abortion. But nobody else is.

Note six: Doodie Pooliani’s trial to see how much he has to pay Georgia election workers Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman will be on Dec. 11. A judge said his decrepit ass has to be there in person. LOL. Have fun, Doodie. More: Fox5 Atlanta

Note seven: You know how you keep thinking Doodie can’t get any lower? Well Cassidy Hutchinson says he groped her on Jan. 6. Yeah, we’re about to fucking throw up too. More: NBC

Note eight: House Republicans made fools of themselves yet again yesterday. Still, we just can’t bring ourselves to defend Merrick Garland. So thanks to the House Dems who did. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Btw, Republicans are doing great with that whole shutting down the government thing. Oh wait. They’re supposed to keep it running?! Trump is demanding a shutdown to defund the prosecutions against him. We would like to once again thank him for making our point for us. More: The Hill

Note 10: And this guy really loves shit sandwiches…

Note 11: North Carolina Republicans are up to their dirty bullshit tricks again. It’s fair to wonder just how much of America will still be a democracy after next year. More: WLOS

Note 12: The Biden Administration is extending temporary protective status for Venezuelans. Isn’t it nice we’re a compassionate non-asshole people? More: CNN

Note 13: We’re sending love and positive vibes to the striking writers in Hollywood. They sat down with the studio heads yesterday and are doing so again today. Much like DC, there is no deal until there’s a deal. And much like DC, we’re skeptical this shit is actually going to work. More: Deadline

Note 14: Biden raised hard issues with Bibi. But Bibi also met with Elon Musk while he was here so we’re not holding out hope that dude is gonna get super into democracy. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Don’t even click on the story. Just take a second to marvel at a positive headline about Vice President Harris.

Note 16: So y’all already know Taylor Swift is freaking awesome. But this week she got even awesomer by registered 35,000 new voters. Also, Maroon off her last album was so damn good. More: Axios

Note 17: Yo! The Biden administration is gonna do free COVID tests again. And please please please make an appointment to get the new booster. More: CBS

Note 18: Another lunatic Republican was defending Jan. 6 yesterday. It’s almost like they are proud of their attack on the US Capitol. Bet this idiot claims to back the blue too. More: Indy Star

Note 19: CALL TO ACTION!!! If you live in Virginia, early voting starts THIS FRIDAY. Republicans in the state are coming for abortion rights with a vengeance and it’s up to us to stop them. So if you live in Virginia, let’s do this. More: WJLA

Note 20: And on that inspiring note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week. And if you’re not, just remember that nobody calls you Pudding Fingers. Love y’all!

Fucking finally

Senate Democrats finally went through Tommy Tuberville yesterday and so America is actually gonna have a new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Congratulations to Gen. CQ Brown on his new role. And fuck you to the Republicans who dragged this out and are still blocking the promotions of hundreds of members of the military.

More: AP

Impeach-not

America ain’t on board with this impeachment bullshit. Probably because there’s zero evidence Joe Biden did anything wrong. A new Yahoo/YouGov poll shows that the country oppose impeachment 42-37. As WaPo’s Aaron Blake pointed out, majorities were in favor of impeachment both times Trump was brought up on charges. Maybe if those assholes shut down the government and fuck with the economy some more then everyone will suddenly support them. But probably not.

More: Yahoo

Welcome President Zelensky

Zelensky is in Washington today, meeting with President Biden at the White House and some leaders on the Hill. Rep. Hakeem Jeffries is having to show him around because Kevin McCarthy is a Putin-loving piece of shit. News out this morning is that McCarthy denied Zelensky’s request to speak to a joint session of Congress, and a bunch of Republicans — with JD Vance leading the way — are calling for no more money for the embattled nation. It’s really remarkable and terrifying just how many elected officials in this country are rooting for a murderous dictator. And we don’t mean Trump.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Ex-Trump adviser Peter Navarro spilled on Wednesday that the former president paid about $300,000 of his legal fees. More: HuffPost

A new book reveals why Donald Trump almost never wore a mask during the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic, even prior to the development of effective vaccines and treatments for the infection. He was worried about his makeup, according to Cassidy Hutchinson, who was an aide to Mark Meadows when he served as Trump’s White House chief of staff. More: HuffPost

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