9.20.23 Kevin can’t govern

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a bunch of dumbasses are about to shut down the government for dumbass reasons.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Happy Hump Day! We hope y’all are having the most lovely week. But just in case you’re not, we thought we’d take a minute today to point and laugh at one of the pathetic losers running for vice president in the GOP primaries. Today’s loser — Tim Scott.

Yeah, when Tim isn’t attacking UAW workers for striking — real man of the people shit right there — he’s telling extreme right-wing audiences about his totally real girlfriend who totally exists and is totally not made up at all…

Yikes. How is it possible we’re actually starting to feel sorry for this asshole? Frankly, we believe him. We used to have totally real girlfriends who nobody could meet too. That’s why we reached out to Tim’s girlfriend for this exclusive interview. Hopefully this will put all this bullshit to rest once and for all…

TBS: Hi! Thank you so much for joining us. How are you?

Tim Scott’s girlfriend:

TBS: Ok, so um how long have you and Tim been dating?

Tim Scott’s girlfriend:

TBS: Cool cool. Are you worried about being in a party that is so worried about your boyfriend being gay that he has to talk about you all the time?

Tim Scott’s girlfriend:

TBS: We see. Does it upset you to see him being attacked over this?

Tim Scott’s girlfriend:

TBS: Ah yes. Are you not embarrassed to be in a relationship with someone so pathetic that he’ll endure constant humiliation just for the chance to kiss Donald Trump’s ass a little more?

Tim Scott’s girlfriend:

TBS: Ok well thank you for joining us. This has been super enlightening.

Well there you have it, folks. She’s totally real. Just not real talkative. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey so yesterday was National Voter Registration Day. We don’t know what today is, but it’s still a pretty goddamn good day to check and make sure registration is up to date. More: iwillvote.com

Note three: We like to think we’re pretty good about owning our mistakes around here. When we fuck up, we try to say so. And we fucked up. National Hispanic Heritage Month started on Friday and runs through Oct. 15 and we totally forgot to say anything until now and we feel like total assholes about it. We hope you’ll accept our apologies and join us in celebrating.

Note four: NOPE! WE SIMPLY WILL NOT PRETEND TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT JOE FUCKING MANCHIN’S CORRUPT CHILD POVERTY LOVIN’ ASS THINKS ABOUT THE CLOTHES JOHN FETTERMAN WEARS. NOPE! NOT TODAY SATAN MANCHIN!

Note five: LOL. This is either really bad for America or TBS is really starting to catch on.

Note six: Is it wrong that we laughed our asses off at this shit about Ray Epps? And are we the only ones who think of the dead kid from Stand By Me everytime we hear that name? More: HuffPost

Note seven: President Zelenksy had a powerful message for the UN yesterday. He basically just told them to remember what happened to Putin’s chef. He also told Trump to put up or shut up. We doubt he’ll do either. More: CNN

Note eight: How is the Inflation Reduction Act working? Well just take a look at Georgia where Hyundai just announced they’re accelerating construction of their new plant. Fox talked about it all last night. Just kidding about that last part. More: TechXplore

Note nine: This is one of those rare HELL FUCKING YEAH notes. Congratulations to Rita Lin, a warrior for marriage equality and the first Chinese American woman to serve on the District Court for the Northern District of California. And thank you to HuffPo’s Jen Bendery for keeping us updated on President Biden’s judges. More: HuffPost

Note 10: There is a despicable effort underway in the media to treat Trump as some kind of goddamn moderate on abortion. We know better. And so does Joe Biden.

Note 11: How are things going for House Republicans? Well apparently Madison Cawthorn was on the House floor yesterday so not great, Bob. (h/t twitter)

Note 12: So shit is just awesome in Texas these days. Unless you want kids to learn about Anne Frank. Excuse us for a moment. ARGHHHHHH GODDAMN SONSOFBITCHES WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!!!!!! Ok sorry about that. Here’s a link. More: Chron

Note 13: Even Mitch McConnell is warning House Republicans against a shutdown. When told of this, House Republicans asked who the fuck is Mitch McConnell? More: NBC

Note 14: Thank you to Vote Vets and the senators who joined them yesterday to call out Tommy Tuberville’s anti-military bullshit. It’s really pretty crazy this isn’t a bigger scandal in DC. More: The Hill

Note 15: Let’s just hope Elon is as good at being a nazi as he is at running twitter…

Note 16: Eric Clapton raised $2.2 million for RFK Jr. We really never thought we’d be at a place in our lives when we hate the guy from Cream this much. But here we are. So fuck Clapton. Ugh. And Stephen Stills too. Damnit. More: TMZ

Note 17: Virginia Republicans have brought in Kellyanne Conway to advise them on winning elections when abortion is such a big issue. In other words they brought her in to lie and help them ban abortion. We gonna let that happen? More: AP

Note 18: We’ve got our work cut out for us in Ohio. The state Supreme Court ruled yesterday that Republican officials’ dishonest partisan language that will appear on the abortion amendment is just fine and dandy. We need Ohioans to know the truth. We also need these dirty fuckers to stop cheating. More: NBC

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note as y’all know, so here’s a story about Larry David attacking Elon Musk. First Dershowitz, now Elon. The man is a national treasure. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that delightful note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a lovely week. And if you see Tim Scott’s girlfriend… who are we kidding? Love y’all!

Note 21: Also, just because it’s September, here’s September…

Doing something about it

We’d like to take this space to congratulate anti-gun violence advocates and America’s children after the Biden administration announced the formation of a new office for gun violence prevention. He’s gonna make it official with a Rose Garden ceremony scheduled for Friday. This is big. Advocates have been pushing for this for a while and it really does seem like a no-brainer. Thank you to President Biden for continuing to combat gun violence. And thanks for nothing to the Republican assholes who seem to think gun violence is awesome.

More: Washington Post (Paywall link)

Woohoo!!!

So there were a couple of big election wins for Democrats last night. The biggest was in a Pennsylvania statehouse election that saw Democrat Lindsay Powell win and help her party keep its one-seat advantage in the House. This was HUGE, y’all. And then in New Hampshire, we actually flipped a seat in a district Trump narrowly won and in so doing, came within one seat of erasing the GOP’s House majority. We keep hearing how bad the polls are then we keep winning elections. So maybe the polls and the people who talk about them are full of shit.

More: AP, WMUR

Kevin can’t govern

So you know how House Republicans are a fucking disaster? Well it keeps getting worse. They are now in open warfare with each other, McCarthy seems to be hanging on by a thread and they can’t pass a single goddamn spending bill. And yeah we’re just over a week from a shutdown. Perhaps these idiots shouldn’t spend all their time doing Donald Trump’s dirty work. It’s gotten so bad that GOP Rep. Ken Buck is talking about leaving the House for CNN. And y’all know what kind of shape CNN is in. So stay tuned today as we see if the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet can figure a way out of their own mess.

More: HuffPost, Mediaite

Today’s clips

Hunter Biden said he plans to plead not guilty to federal gun charges, according to a Tuesday court filing related to the indictment against President Joe Biden’s son. More: HuffPost

The historic banyan tree in Lahaina is showing signs of recovery after being badly damaged during the deadly wildfires in Maui last month, officials announced this week. More: HuffPost

Attorney General Merrick Garland is expected to forcefully rebuke congressional Republicans who have accused the Justice Department of political bias, according to excerpts of his prepared testimony to be delivered at a House Judiciary Committee hearing Wednesday. More: CNN