9.19.23 Shutdown time

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a sailor. It can’t actually sail for shit though.

Note: SPs! We hope your week is off to a hot and sweet start. We know y’all are hip and fresh people, and so we try to make sure your newsletter is hip and fresh too. We’re always so embarrassed when we’re late to a story. But when it comes to Lauren Boebert’s hands-on approach to theater, we have a good reason for being behind. We were busy lining up the most important interview of all.

If you haven’t seen it, you’re one of the lucky ones. But the long and short of it is that last week the Boebs was kicked out of a theater during the play Beetlejuice. At first we thought it was just for vaping and being the fucking worst, but it turned out to be a bit more…

Ok so that’s not the official video, but we thought it was pretty funny. We’ve heard from a lot of folks on this, but we still haven’t heard from the most important yet. So here now is an interview with Beetlejuice…

TBS: Hey big fan. Thanks for joining us!

BJ: My pleasure, guys. I only wish it was under different circumstances.

TBS: Yeah, we hear that. So you’re upset about this?

BJ: Of course I’m upset. Look, I’m the ghost with the most, babe, but even I have some decency around kids. And that behavior was appalling.

TBS: Wow. We didn’t expect you to be so prudish.

BJ: Prudish?! These fucking assholes have been smearing trans people, gay people and drag queens because they pretend to give a shit about children but when they’re actually out in public around kids they’re riding the sandworm?! That’s outrageous!

TBS: Ok that’s fair. Are you going to have her banned going forward?

BJ: Oh most definitely. She’s going on the same list as that fucker Otho.

TBS: Oh because he tried to exorcize y’all and has horrible fashion tastes?

BJ: Naw he did the same shit Bobo did only not as graphic.

TBS: Yikes, well take it easy, Beetlejuice.

BJ: Thanks guys. And if you ever need to find Bobo, just say TRASH three times.

Well that was totally worth the wait. We should’ve gotten his autograph. Also, we should beat Lauren Boebert next year. Y’all in?

Note two: Sorry to everyone who was confused by our super obscure Beetlejuice references. Also sorry to everyone who’s ever had to be around Lauren Boebert.

Note three: Have you gotten your new COVID vaccine yet? What about your flu shot? We’re sorry to keep bugging you about this, but we can be obnoxious assholes sometimes and we just love y’all so damn much.

Note four: The New York Times has killed its sports desk. It is joined in death by the paper’s reputation and sense of mission. More: Awful Announcing

Note five: John Fetterman is a one-man wrecking ball this week. Maybe Republicans should stop fucking with him.

Note six: Dark Brandon is in New York today for the UN General Assembly. He’ll be representing the forces of freedom and democracy so expect Republicans to be furious. More: AP

Note seven: Y’all know the press can’t stop talking about Joe Biden’s age. Well last night he talked about it too. And he talked about how he’s a great fucking president because he actually knows what to do when bad shit happens. Crazy idea, right? More: CNN

Note eight: Good news, everybody! Remember that super expensive stealth jet we lost? Well it crashed. So yeah, you can call off the search. We should really put a bell on those things. More: Guardian

Note nine: We have to admit that we keep forgetting Vivek Ramaswamy exists. It’s probably because he says lots and lots of stupid shit that makes us think he’s a fucking moron. More: NBC

Note 10: We just can’t express how much we’re enjoying this. At this rate, Rudy’s gonna be paying off people with face poop.

Note 11: Zelensky is in New York and DC this week and McCarthy is refusing to meet with him one on one. The fucked up thing is that if Zelesnky attacked the US Capitol. McCarthy would bring him his favorite candy and then kiss his ass. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Well here it is — Trump told his assistant she didn’t know anything about no boxes when he found out she was talking to the FBI. Seems pretty bad. But so does pretty much everything this asshole does. More: ABC

Note 13: Remember that QAnon movie Sound of Freedom? Well one of the guys involved was just busted for sexual misconduct. Guess Q should’ve caught that one, no? More: Vice

Note 14: Bill Maher just blinked and won’t return during the strike after all. He must’ve realized that the writers were the ones with the talent. What a prick. More: CNN

Note 15: We love this soooooooo freaking much!

Note 16: Matt Gaetz is going to run for governor of Florida. Guess we’ll find out just how fucked up Florida actually is these days. More: NBC

Note 17: Country singer Maren Morris is retiring because of Trump and his fans. Frankly, if we could carry a tune, we’d do the same. More: Fox8

Note 18: We’ve gotta treat the Pennsylvania Supreme Court race just like we did the Wisconsin race. Why? Well because the same super scary people are running. More: Bolts Mag

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note, so TODAY IS NATIONAL VOTER REGISTRATION DAY!!! First, make sure you are still registered. Second, sign someone else up. Unless they’re a shitty person. We don’t need anymore goddamn Trump voters. More: National Voter Registration Day

Note 20: And on that inspiring note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to a kick-ass start. And if it ain’t, just remember that you’re not dating Lauren Boebert and you’ll quickly feel better. Love y’all!

Hell yeah!

Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro announced today that the Keystone State is becoming an automatic voter registration state. Woohoo!!! This is so huge. Basically anytime someone goes to the DMV to get or renew their license, they’ll be automatically registered to vote. Shapiro says this is how we strengthen democracy. We think he’s right. Great job, Guv!

More: NBC

But he hates workers

So Trump is trying to win the PR battle over the UAW strike. While Biden has actually been the one who is supportive of labor unions, Trump appears to be outmaneuvering the president. Next week when the other Republican candidates are debating, Trump will be in Detroit giving a speech to autoworkers. We can’t believe we’re saying this, but that actually seems really smart. We also can’t believe the White House is dragging its feet about getting Biden there. Good policy without good politics doesn’t mean a whole lot. And it wouldn’t be that hard to do since the UAW’s leader actually hates Trump and keeps calling his richie rich ass out.

More: NBC, Politico

Shutdown time

So Kevin McCarthy continues to be super bad at being Speaker of the House. After complaining yesterday about his slim majority — the same slim majority Nancy Pelosi worked miracles with — McCarthy basically went to war with his own caucus which was already at war with itself. They can’t pass any spending bills, so there’s almost definitely gonna be a shutdown. The good news is they are moving full-steam ahead on impeachment even though House Oversight Chairman James Comer keeps admitting they don’t have any evidence of Biden doing anything wrong. This all seems like a total fucking disaster. For the Republican Party. Let’s make sure they feel it.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

India expelled a senior Canadian diplomat Tuesday and accused Canada of interfering in its internal affairs, escalating a breach with Ottawa over its allegations of Indian involvement in the killing of a Sikh activist in Canada. More: HuffPost

Five Americans who were released after being wrongfully imprisoned in Iran for years made an emotional return to U.S. soil on Tuesday. More: NBC