9.18.23 Even for Texas

It’s Monday. There are 413 days until the presidential election. Texas is corrupt as all hell, worried about a hollow victory in Alabama and Trump blows kisses to his Proud Boys.

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Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
September 18, 2023

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Today a lot of it is directed at Meet the Press.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are y’all today? Hopefully better than us. It was a rough weekend on our end. Sure we spent most of it being sexy and patriotic, but we also had to do something really unpleasant — we had to put our old Sunday news show down.

Yeah, there was a time we really loved Meet the Press. But in recent years it’s been obvious that things weren’t the same. Instead of barking at crooks, it started humping their legs, drooling and shitting everywhere while the crooks took whatever they wanted. But this weekend, it became clear that there was just no saving this once proud institution…

Are you fucking kidding us?! Did the QAnon goddamn Shaman write this shit?! Did Kristen Welker spend years thinking Chuck Todd was Yoda?! What the fuck are we even doing here anymore?! Yeah, so RIP to Meet the Press. Because fuck that fucking shit.

We sure get why everyone is freaked out about next year’s election. On the one side you have Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and us and on the other side you have Saudi Arabia, Russia, Twitter, the New York Times, Meet the Press, Trump, the Republican Cult and so many more evil rat-fucking scumbags it’s really not funny. But you know what? That was true in 2020 too and we still won. So yeah this sucks, but we’ve beat all these assholes before. Y’all have a blessed day. And let us know if you want to pee on MTP’s grave. It’s oddly satisfying.

Note two: Some sad news this morning as Rep. Jennifer Wexton announced she won’t run for re-election to represent Virginia. Wexton’s Parkinson’s diagnosis has turned out to be worse than she feared. We’re sending love and gratitude to the congresswoman. More: CNN

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Note three: Fucking Jann Wenner. Why are we not surprised? More: AP

Note four: So the House should be fun to watch this week as Kevin McCarthy tries to convince the arsonists in his party not to burn everything down and they repeatedly tell him they are arsonists. They are almost definitely gonna shut down the government and we’d bet our hot asses the press will find a way to blame Biden. More: Politico

Note five: Speaking of Biden, that man is a cold-blooded killer and we are sooooo here for it…

Note six: Republicans are attacking John Fetterman’s clothes. Probably because they don’t want to talk about him driving five hours to stand with UAW workers. More: NBC

Note seven: Drew Barrymore has decided to pause her show after all. What an endless fucking disaster. Also, HBO canceled Winning Time and we are pissed off about it. More: Variety

Note eight: Dark Brandon just freed five prisoners from Iran. Republicans are really going to hate that for some reason. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We were gonna post a story here about Ron DeSantis but seriously who gives a shit about that dude anymore?

Note 10: Maybe it’s just us but we think it should be pretty HUGE news that Trump used the High Holidays to attack “liberal Jews.” Someone wake up Meet the Press.

Note 11: What can we say about Lauren Boebert? Well a lot that we probably shouldn’t. So check back tomorrow for an exclusive interview with someone who was in the theater. It’ll blow your mind. And only your mind.

Note 12: Hunter Biden is suing the IRS. Good for him. More: CNN

Note 13: We don’t particularly care for GOP Rep. Ken Buck, but we sure do appreciate the way he keeps calling bullshit on his own party’s bullshit impeachment efforts. More: Politico

Note 14: Have you gotten your vaccine yet? Go ahead and get your flu shot too. They’ll give you a shiny new coat and oh yeah protection from deadly shit.

Note 15: We gotta win this Kentucky race, y’all…

Note 16: Remember that piece of human garbage AG in Indiana who attacked the doctor who helped a 10-year-old rape victim? Well he ain’t done being the worst. More: HuffPost

Note 17: An armed protester was spotted outside Biden’s home this weekend. What a totally normal fucking country. More: NY1

Note 18: Let’s check in on the Tim Scott humiliation tour and… oh yikes.

Note 19: So normally we like to end the notes section on a happy note, but today the US military needs your help. Apparently we’ve gone and lost a stealth jet. Officials are putting up posters on telephone polls asking if anyone has seen it so keep your eyes open. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that concerning note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a good weekend and didn’t post anything attacking “liberal Jews.” We’re just kidding. We know you’re not deranged idiots. But even if you were, Meet the Press wouldn’t care. Love y’all!

Even for Texas

So super corrupt piece of shit AG Ken Paxton was acquitted in his impeachment trial by the Texas senate over the weekend. The verdict was baked in from the beginning as Team MAGA threatened the lawmakers deciding Paxton’s fate. So yeah this super criminal asshole is now back at work as the Lone Star State’s top cop. Republicans have decided the rule of law is only for their enemies and poor people. Seems pretty fucking dangerous to us.

Uh-oh

You know how we were celebrating when SCOTUS told Alabama to go make another majority Black congressional district? And then you know how Alabama kept refusing to do so? Well now we might know why both of those things happened and it ain’t good. Sherrilyn Ifill is sounding the alarm and we’re listening. According to this story, Alabama GOPers have intel that Brett Kavanaugh might be up for switching his vote and putting a stake in the heart of the Voting Rights Act for good. Deep breaths, everybody.

What the fuck?

As part of our still being pissed off at Meet the Press, we thought we’d tell you the part where Trump claimed he didn’t know anything about the Proud Boys, you know the paramilitary scumbags who attacked our Capitol and tried to bring down our government. But he said he will look at pardoning them anyway. The Proud Boys got the message and rallied outside Trump Tower in New York yesterday. So yeah once again, great work, Meet the Press.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Senior British politicians on Monday urged police to investigate sexual assault allegations against Russell Brand, as the U.K. entertainment industry faced questions about whether the comedian’s bad behavior went unchallenged because of his fame. More: AP