9.15.23 Here we go

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. We just can’t think of any good ones for pissant Kevin McCarthy.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, our long national nightmare is over. The nation’s — no, the world’s — greatest criminal has been indicted. You can rest easy. All our problems are solved and everyone is safe again. The sun is shining, birds are chirping and kids are no longer turning woke because we finally caught the big bad monster. We’re talking of course about Hunter Biden.

You might remember Hunter as the guy who launched an attack on the US Capitol and got 150 cops injured. Wait. That wasn’t him? Well then surely he’s the guy who a judge declared a rapist earlier this year. Still not him? Well what about all those protesters he had gassed so he could do a photo-op in front of a church? Damn. We could’ve sworn that was him too.

Yeah, we’re laying on the sarcasm pretty thick today. It matches all the bullshit out there. But we’ve decided to handle this like normal adults and threaten a civil war over it right after we get Hunter tattoos on our calf muscles, wave Hunter flags outside our houses and then go sink our goddamn Hunter boats in the fucking lake.

Oh wait. We’re not gonna do any of that because we’re not in a deranged fucking cult and we actually do believe in the rule of law. We just want it to be applied evenly. So when does Don Jr. get arrested for his cocaine and AR-15 addiction? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? Never?

Look, if Hunter needs to be held accountable, then so be it. But maybe our Attorney General shouldn’t be singling out the president’s only surviving son for unfair treatment just because Merrick wants the people who smeared their shit on the Capitol walls to like him. It’s never gonna happen, buddy. Just like your SCOTUS confirmation hearings, chickenshit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The Vice President is tired of the beltway’s bullshit and so are we.

Note three: If you like TBS, then you’re gonna love TWBS, the cussing pod that rounds up the big news of the week. If you’ve ever wondered to yourself what does it sound like when Sam cusses out Joe Manchin, well you’re in luck. Because we cussed that sonofabitch pretty good this week. And when you subscribe, you’re helping TBS to keep publishing. And we think that’s pretty fucking swell. More: Patreon

Note four: Wisconsin Republicans are on a goddamn rampage as they try to stack the deck for Trump’s next coup attempt. You already know those dirty assholes want to impeach a newly elected state Supreme Court justice. And yesterday they illegally voted to fire the state’s top elections official. If this looks like un-American bullshit, that’s because it is. Something tells us Wisconsin voters won’t forget. More: AP

Note five: This is where we were gonna post a clip of Trump confessing his crimes to Megyn Kelly, but then we figured he confesses all the time and we love y’all too much to fuck up your Friday with those two toads. More: HuffPost

Note six: Dark Brandon rises (btw MSNBC talked over the speech with Hunter Biden crap. Thank god for the liberal network).

Note seven: Nevada is making a play to codify abortion rights into law. Let’s fucking do this. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Ron DeSantis is doing terrible in the polls because he’s a weird dude with a shit personality who’s running to lead a cult. So what’s his pivot? Well he’s talking a lot about killing people. Anybody checked this motherfucker’s freezer for human parts lately? More: New Republic

Note nine: TBS stands with the UAW. TBS stands with workers over millionaires. Period. More: CNN

Note 10: Meet the Press’s interview with Trump is just as embarrassing and weak as we were afraid it would be. So yeah, Meet the Press has apparently decided to continue to suck. NO LINK

Note 11: Admiral Lisa Franchetti, who Biden selected to be the top Naval officer, says it will “take years” to undo the damage Tommy Tuberville has done. Aren’t you glad the national news media are focused like a laser on Hunter Biden? More: Politico

Note 12: George Santos has started hanging out with the Jan. 6 people outside the jail. We’re frankly surprised those irredeemable dirtbags and traitors want to be seen with Santos. (h/t Twitter)

Note 13: We can probably win some shit in Mississippi this year. Or we would if people were allowed to do shit like organize and vote there. More: Bolts Mag

Note 14: We are irrationally excited for a new Star Wars movie about Lando from Donald Glover and his brother. We loved Solo and we don’t care who knows it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We liked the White House term Bidenomics. We love the White House term MAGAnomics.

Note 16: Remember Kim Davis? Of course you don’t. She was the bigoted Kentucky county clerk who went to jail because she refused to provide marriage certificates to gay couples. Well a jury has decided she owes that couple $100,000. Sucks to be her, but we suspect that was always true. More: AP

Note 17: Shew boy. We don’t know if this shit is true or not because the Daily Mail is hot garbage, but damn this don’t look good for Kristi Noem’s VP chances. Or maybe it does. More: Daily Mail

Note 18: L’shana tovah! TBS would like to wish a Happy Rosh Hashanah to those who celebrate!

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a happy note, and we were eager to share a positive news story from Wisconsin. Planned Parenthood will go back to offering abortions next week. Guess Republicans will have to find another way to control women in the Badger State. More: AP

About damn time

Earlier this week we told y’all that Elizabeth Warren was calling for an investigation into Elon Musk’s treasonous interference with the Ukrainian resistance. We also wondered why she was the only Democratic senator doing so. Well Senate Armed Services Chairman Jack Reed is finally stepping up and promising an investigation. Can we put a rush on this shit please? Ukraine doesn’t have the luxury of operating on Washington Senator time.

More: Bloomberg

Here we go

Republicans are going to shut down the government. They’re going to shut it down unless they can protect their orange daddy and make whatever anti-abortion policies they want. They’ve decided to cram their bullshit down this nation’s throat, and if we don’t like it, too bad. Rep. Ralph Norman told CNN yesterday a shutdown is definitely happening. McCarthy had to pull the defense bill because his circus of idiots wouldn’t pass it. This should all add up to a political disaster for Republicans. But we thought the same thing when those sick fucks attacked the Capitol and stripped basic human rights from millions of Americans so what the hell do we know?

More: Reuters

Z’s DC

Ukrainian President Zelenskyy is heading back to Washington. Poor guy. Like he doesn’t have enough crap to deal with. Zelenskyy is heading to New York first for the UN meeting where he will ask the world for more aid and to stay united with Ukraine. He’s expected to meet with President Biden on the sidelines. Then he’ll travel to Washington where he’ll encounter people who are rooting for democracy and people who are rooting for Putin. We’ll let y’all figure out who’s who.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

The death toll in Libya’s coastal city of Derna has soared to 11,300 as search efforts continue following a massive flood fed by the breaching of two dams in heavy rains, the Libyan Red Crescent said Thursday. More: HuffPost