9.14.23 Meet the (weak) Press

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it ain’t been kicked out of a single theater this week.

Note: Sexy Patriots, we don’t want to alarm you more than we usually do, but we have just been informed of a serious courage shortage in Washington, D.C. And while that won’t shock you to hear, we regret to inform you that the city has become so desperate that it has started declaring spoiled-rotten butt-kissing cowards courageous in an effort to fill the void.

Because, y’all, there ain’t a damn thing courageous about Mittens Aloicious Romney (possibly not his real name). The man is a glass of warm skim milk. A glass of warm skim milk that once begged a birther named Donald Trump to endorse his shitty presidential campaign. But now that Mittens is slinking off to one of his mansions to swim in his Scrooge McDuck vault, he wants us all to know just how different he is from all the horrible people he has stood by and enabled for years.

Look, we get it. He’s not the intolerable assmouths that Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are and he’s not deliberately fucking over the military in service of his tangerine daddy like Tommy Tuberville is. But is that really the goddamn standard these days? Are we really handing out medals just because someone isn’t a lying piece of shit traitor? When do we start bronzing the statue of Mitt sprinting through the Capitol on Jan. 6 as his own party tried to kill him? We’ll want to make sure we get the pee trail right.

So congratulations to Mittens on not being the worst and instead only enabling and promoting the worst for so long. It just goes to show that if you want to look like a hero in DC, all you gotta do is stand next to Mitch McConnell’s turtle ass. Bye-bye, Mittens. We’ve already forgotten about you. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We feel like we might get some emails on that one, so all we ask is that you remember he ran on welfare reform in 2012, he’s the 47 percent guy and he took a shot at Joe Biden’s age yesterday. More: BBC

Note three: This is what Dark Brandon is doing while the scary kids and their pets in the press come after him…

Note four: New vaccines are coming, and we’re hoping y’all will join us in adding another layer of protection to your sexy and patriotic bodies. Florida’s surgeon general says people shouldn’t get them, and that’s the best endorsement to get one we can think of. More: Politico

Note five: Bill Maher calls himself a liberal. We call him a goddamn scab. Good luck trying to be funny without your writers, bro. More: NBC

Note six: Remember that Trumpy sheriff we just beat in Los Angeles? Well he’s gonna run for another office because he’s the most clueless sonofabitch on the planet. Is it too early to call this one? More: Fox LA

Note seven: Speaking of Trump sheriffs, we can’t stop laughing at the nightmare “Sheriff” Clarke is making for Republicans in Wisconsin. As the man said in Spaceballs — Keep firing, assholes! More: JS Online

Note eight: Ron DeSantis is talking about attacking Mexico. We know what you’re thinking and yes we’d forgotten he exists too. More: Politico

Note nine: Every time we link to Politico we die a little. But we figured y’all shouldn’t miss some of their less shitty stories just because we think they suck or because they actually suck.

Note 10: A great big THANK YOU to everyone who has chipped in to help Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear win re-election. There are lots of ways to beat Trump. Winning in Kentucky again would be one of them.

Note 11: Now here’s a book we will definitely buy. Christine Blasey Ford is going to release her own memoir. Thank goodness because the beltway press stop giving a shit pretty much immediately. More: AP

Note 12: Tim Scott’s party is putting him through hell, and he’s polling at 3 fucking percent. He’s even getting his ass kicked in South Carolina. Dude, how in the hell is this worth it?

Note 13: If the UAW strikes, we’re with the UAW. It’s time for workers to get theirs in America. More: NPR

Note 14: Trump got lucky in court this morning as a judge in Georgia said he won’t have to go to trial in October and be tried with his 17 co-defendants. Seems like bullshit to us, but what do we know? More: ABC

Note 15: President Biden and Vice President Harris are planning to attend the Congressional Black Caucus’s Phoenix Awards dinner later this month. We googled to see if Trump ever attended and our laptop blew up. More: The Grio

Note 16: Speaking of the VP, maybe rich white DC columnists should stop telling us how unpopular she is, get off their sorry asses and out of their ivory towers and actually talk to people who love her.

Note 17: Kevin McCarthy and Elon Musk took a picture together yesterday. We’re not gonna post it here because we don’t want y’all punching walls and flipping tables over the way this newsletter did. Maybe Democrats should stop promoting and protecting this asshole.

Note 18: An appeals court said no dice to Trump after he tried to stay E. Jean Carroll’s lawsuit. He’s lost to her more than he lost to Biden, and he lost to Biden like 178 times. More: CNBC

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, but we thought it was more important to tell you something really important — Lauren “the Boebs” Boebert is human garbage. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that disturbing note, let’s go do some news! Hang in there, SPs, Friday is almost here. We hope you’re having a wonderful week. And if Mitt Romney is reading this, well, he can kiss our asses. Love y’all!

Meet the (weak) Press

So Chuck Todd is finally gone and Meet the Press is totally gonna get better and start taking its responsibility to tell the truth seriously. Right? Well maybe not. New host Kristen Welker takes over this weekend and her first interview is with the orange piece of shit who attacked our goddamn Capitol. The good news is its taped and there’s no live audience. The bad news is NBC is once again trying to make Trump president. Here’s a question — did she even try to get an interview with the actual sitting president?

More: CNN

Cruel America

An anti-immigrant judge is once against screwing over kids who know no other country as home aside from America. Yesterday a federal judge said the DACA program is illegal and no new kids can join the program. We did get a bit of a reprieve for people already in the program, but this is all just Texas immigrant-hating bullshit. This is gonna go to the Supreme Court, and we’ve got a pretty good hunch how those assholes will rule. Keep your heads up, Dreamers. We’re glad you’re here and making us better.

More: AP

LOLOL

So Kevin McCarthy gave the demon dogs in his caucus what they wanted and they still hate him. Matt Gaetz has been on a rampage this week, attacking McCarthy on every channel and in every way. McCarthy has gotten so upset that this morning he tried to act like a tough guy and dared the caucus to “fucking” make the motion to vacate the chair. He’s probably right to call their bluff, but they’re also idiot arsonists who who the fuck knows. McCarthy could save himself a lot of trouble by acting like a human being and pulling his head out of Trump’s orange ass. Have fun with your monsters, dickhead!

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

Hurricane Lee looks poised to wallop New England later this week even as the region still deals with the impact of days of wild weather that produced torrential rain, flooding, sinkholes and a likely tornado. More: HuffPost

Earth is exceeding its “safe operating space for humanity” in six of nine key measurements of its health, and two of the remaining three are headed in the wrong direction, a new study said. More: HuffPost