9.13.23 Congrats, Manchin

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And you can bet your sweet ass it’s going to use a metric fuckton of it when Republicans launch a stupid goddamn impeachment inquiry with no fucking evidence of wrongdoing.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, in case that Be Advised didn’t already give it away, we are coming in hot today. And we know y’all are feeling the same way. It’s bad enough that the Capitol Hill press corps are basically rooting for an evidence-free impeachment but there’s one question we just can’t stop asking while also cussing…

WHAT THE FUCK IS A REPUBLICAN MODERATE?!!!!!!

Seriously can someone tell us? Because we keep hearing all these superstar reporters talking about Republican moderates and we just can’t figure out how they’re talking about the same people who kicked Liz Cheney out of their party because she wouldn’t go along with a violent coup attempt.

We’re frankly so exasperated by this silly shit that we decided to reach out to GOP House moderate Rep. Dicky “Snake Eyes” Buttcracken for his take…

TBS: What’s up, Dicky?

Buttcracken: Please call me congressman or Snake Eyes.

TBS: No. So tell us what does it take to be a GOP moderate these days?

Buttcracken: I didn’t personally bear spray any cops on Jan. 6 but I support those who did. That’s pretty moderate.

TBS: You’re an idiot. Do people buy that dumb crap?

Buttcracken: CNN does. You would too if you weren’t the enemy of the people and doing all the evil shit QAnon says you do.

TBS: So you can be a moderate Republican and a QAnon disciple?

Buttcracken: Oh hell yeah. It’s what we all do. Nancy Mace has a giant WWG1WGA tat across her shoulders. She’s crazy about that shit.

TBS: Y’all are fucking deranged. So you’d die for Trump right?

Buttcracken: No. But I’d kill others for him. That’s why I’m a moderate.

TBS: Ok well eat shit, Dicky.

Buttcracken: Will do! But only if it’s Trump’s. Again, I’m a moderate.

Well, SPs, aren’t you glad we cleared that up? We don’t know about y’all, but we are calling bullshit on all this moderate talk. But just to be sure, let’s beat all these fuckers next year. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Oh look another Republican moderate. At least she didn’t smear her poop on anything. We hope.

Note three: True story — the sad kiss-asses at Politico published a story today kissing Boebert’s ass. It’s called “Rabble-rouser in D.C., public servant back home.” Pathetic. Just pathetic. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note four: And here’s the video of Mrs. Public Servant getting her dumb ass kicked out of a theater back home.

Note five: If you vote in Georgia, please make sure you’re still registered. Y’all know how shit goes there. More: AJC

Note six: Broken record time! A new COVID vaccine is about to drop and we’re really hoping y’all are gonna get on it. We promise we will. We’ve found they make us sexier. More: NBC

Note seven: Have y’all seen what Virginia Republicans are doing to people? And how the Washington Post is helping them? Be warned — it’s pretty shocking shit even for Virginia Republicans. More: Jezebel

Note eight: When Republicans tank the economy and hurt your 401k, be sure to thank them AND their sorry buttkissers in the press.

Note nine: The American public will not be able to watch Trump’s federal trials. And if that ain’t some bullshit, we don’t know what is. More: The Messenger

Note 10: The guy who smashed the door in the Capitol right before Ashli Babbitt was shot was found guilty on 11 Jan. 6 counts yesterday. Bye. More: Lancaster

Note 11: Mittens fucking Romney strikes again. He wants so badly to have guts and keeps discovering he is gutless. It’s ok, Mittens. We’ve all known for a long time. Fucking moderates. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Well let’s see how the new boss at CNN is doing. Oh…

Note 13: Putin says Trump’s prosecutions show the US justice system is “rotten.” So there is like zero daylight between Putin and the GOP now. But that’s been true for a while. You know what’s really rotten? Launching an illegal war against your neighbor and then getting your ass kicked up and down. More: AP

Note 14: We haven’t made any Aaron Rodgers jokes. It has not been easy.

Note 15: We’re gonna warn you right now that you should think twice before you click on this story about Republican Sen. John Kennedy getting super naughty and super explicit at a Senate hearing on book bans. Seriously DO NOT click on this. More: Gambit

Note 16: NSYNC reunited at the Video Music Awards last night. We almost didn’t get a newsletter out today. (Note within a note: We’re still pissed at JT over the Janet Jackson stuff) More: Billboard

Note 17: Remember Ron DeSantis? Yeah, us neither. LOL.

Note 18: THANK YOU to Sen. Elizabeth Warren for demanding some answers about the treasonous shit Elon Musk is pulling in Ukraine. Why is she the only one? More: CNBC

Note 19: It was so great to see Secretary Hillary Clinton back at the White House yesterday. It was also pretty great watching a bunch of unhappy losers pitch a fit over it. LOL. Keep hatin’, deplorables. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that awesome freaking note, let’s go do some news. We hope y’all have a lovely humping Hump Day. And if you see any moderate Republicans, please let us know. We’ve found two Bigfoots, three Leprechauns and a very drunk Loch Ness Monster, but damn if we can find a GOP moderate. Love y’all!

Congrats, Manchin

Remember when Joe Manchin and his Republican friends killed the Child Tax Credit because he said parents would just spend it on drugs? Well it turns out they were spending it on food for their kids, childcare and not being poor. And Manchin and his gross friends just couldn’t have that. As a result, the US Census Bureau now says the child poverty rate went from an all-time low of 5.2 percent in 2021 to 12.4 percent in 2022. So congratulations to the West Virginia fuckhead on torpedoing this enormously successful effort to combat child poverty. What a fucking asshole.

More: HuffPost

Running scared

Wisconsin Republicans are scared. Scared and corrupt. After taking a bunch of shit this week for talking about impeaching a Supreme Court justice who was just elected because she might actually make fair maps, Assembly Speaker Robin Vos is now proposing legislation that would have a commission draw up maps and then he can overrule them or draw them himself. He’s so used to dealing with his fellow Republicans he thinks we’re all that stupid. No dice, Robin. Democracy is making a comeback.

More: News 10

It’s Trump

We were gonna try to get clever with the headline but we figured we’d say what most DC news organizations won’t — Donald Trump is the one impeaching Joe Biden. Yeah, Politico reported yesterday that Elise Stefanik of Republican leadership spoke with Trump YESTERDAY FUCKING MORNING about impeachment strategy. This comes after Marjorie had dinner with the tangerine terror before she headed back to DC. So if a bunch of corrupt assholes are using the US House of Representatives to run bullshit errands for a deranged criminal, shouldn’t that be the story?!

More: Politico

Today’s clips

A federal grand jury has indicted the five Memphis police officers involved in the January killing of 29-year-old Tyre Nichols, according to court filings on Tuesday. More: HuffPost

Joe Biden has a literal Trump card to play against the House’s new impeachment inquiry. In January 2020, the Donald Trump-led Justice Department formally declared that impeachment inquiries by the House are invalid unless the chamber takes formal votes to authorize them. More: Politico

The man at the center of a landmark gun rights case before the Supreme Court shot a pistol at a woman a handful of times in a public parking lot, according to police records obtained by HuffPost. More: HuffPost