9.1.23 Must-see-tv

Be advised: This newsletter uses cuss words to cuss out people who need cussin’ out.

Note: We did it, SPs! We made it to the weekend! And we didn’t even have to plead not guilty one time this whole fucking week. It’s crazy how that happens when you don’t commit crimes against the American people. In fact it seems like everything is going great except oh goddamnit Joe…

Why does Not So Dark Brandon have to be so fucking nice all the time? We’re kidding of course. We know it’s because he’s a fundamentally decent human being who doesn’t hate his fellow Americans. And it really pisses us off.

Again we’re totally kidding!

It’s just a little frustrating knowing that the last time Biden reached out to McConnell after Mitch took a spill, the terrible turtle’s response was to make a joke to the press about Biden’s fall after tripping over sandbags. Democrats are held to high standards and Republicans are held to none. But maybe that’s also because we hold ourselves to higher standards (this newsletter notwithstanding). Biden is just nicer and classier than those sick fucks on the right. We’d go as far as to say that’s the biggest difference between the two parties these days — one is nice and one is fucking evil.

Or put another way, we’re just better people than they are. Well not us specifically but like other people on the left. Like you Sexy Patriots. But we suppose this was all obvious when we didn’t attack the US Capitol or vote for a racist woman-hating gameshow host shithead for president. Y’all have a blessed day and a wonderful Labor Day weekend. We’ll see you back here Tuesday.

Note two: Have you ever wondered what the profane and righteous outrage of TBS would sound like in a Kentucky accent? Well wonder no more. Join us every Friday for This Week’s Big Stuff, a brief weekly recap of the big news of the week in the TBS style you’ve come to know and love. This week Sam talks to that shit that was coming out of Rudy’s forehead. Don’t miss it!

Note three: Y’all know what month it is! Also, someone should write a timeless song called “Where the fuck did August go?”

Note four: Are we the only ones shocked that Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp did the right thing when it comes to Trump and Fani Willis? Let us rephrase that — Are we the only ones shocked that Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp did the absolute bare fucking mininum when it comes to Trump and Fani Willis? More: AJC

Note five: Republicans are just fucking weird, man.

Note six: Biden is asking Congress for more money for disaster relief. Let’s hope they can pull themselves away from the president’s son’s dick pics long enough to help. And if they can’t, let’s make sure everyone knows that. More: CNN

Note seven: Biden is going after a loophole on background checks for guns. This is real shit. It’s also real proof that elections matter. More: NBC

Note eight: We really haven’t spent enough time delighting in Tucker Carlson’s humiliation. Couldn’t happen to a nicer soulless piece of garbage. More: Media Matters

Note nine: Did y’all see this insane Axios story (is that redundant?) about GOP donors waiting to give to Tim Scott because they’re not sure if he’s gay? Of course the story doesn’t come out and say that, but that’s what they mean when they say rich Republicans are worried that Tim ain’t married. More: Axios

Note 10: Kentucky Gov. Andy Behsear had us cracking up yesterday. He said “heckbent.” We don’t think he would like TBS. But we sure do like him. And we’re hoping like hell y’all will join us in trying to get him re-elected. And props to the campaign team that got this merch put together super fast.

Note 11: Notice how we don’t mention Ron DeSantis as much anymore? It’s because no one else does either. LOL. You hate to see it. More: NBC

Note 12: This probably won’t surprise y’all, but we think those new Tesla trucks are ugly as shit. The d-bag who makes them is too.

Note 13: Jamie Raskin wants Comer to subpoena Jared Kushner. You know, because Comer is so worried about corruption. LOL. More: HuffPost

Note 14: We’re gonna state the obvious here — Donald Trump really freaking hates cops unless they’re posing for pictures with him. More: NBC

Note 15: Did anyone else notice the Trump photo Biden is using? Holy shit that orange motherfucker must really hate this. Though to be fair, he hates pretty much everything.

Note 16: Last night Marjorie Taylor Scum said she will only vote to fund the government (and disaster aid) if the House votes to impeach Biden and defund Ukraine. Believe it or not those weren’t her only crazy demands. We don’t know about y’all, but we think Democrats should tell her to go fuck herself. More: Guardian

Note 17: Because this silly impeachment shit is going to happen EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE YET TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY’RE IMPEACHING HIM FOR, the Biden White House is preparing for war. Figuratively speaking. We’re not idiots. More: NBC

Note 18: Enormous congratulations and gratitude to Julie Ertz, who announced her retirement from soccer yesterday. Julie is a two-time World Cup champion which is really just a remarkable thing to write.

Note 19: We like to close on a happy note and today’s happy note is a follow-up of yesterday’s intro note. Did you follow all that? Yesterday we were cheering on the protester who ate Peter Navarro’s soul like a snack, but we felt awful that we didn’t know her name to share with you. Well she goes by Anarchy Princess and you can find her on twitter at @SatireAP. When we know more, you will too.

Note 20: And on that unnecessarily confusing note, let’s do some news! Holy crap, SPs, how the hell is it Labor Day?! We hope y’all are able to take some time off and relax this weekend. Mostly because a year from now this weekend will kick off the sprint to Election Day. But seriously try not to think about that too much right now. We’ve got plenty of time to freak out. Love y’all!

Have a great trip!

There are a couple more assholes we don’t have to worry about voting in the next few elections. Because their sorry treasonous asses will be in prison. Yesterday Trump judge Tim Kelly sentenced Proud Boys Joe Biggs and Zachary Rehl to 17 years and 15 years respectively. While that is a long damn time to be in the clink, it still seems like a pass to us from some scumbags who betrayed and attacked our country and oh yeah assaulted a bunch of cops. And while it’s tempting to blame his Trump judge — and we will — the truth is all the judges have been a little squeamish on this stuff. Oh well. Let’s try to celebrate anyway. If it helps, that Biggs asshole cried in court. LOL.

More: ABC

Joey Jobs = rolling

The man is the goddamn Energizer Bunny of creating jobs. He is the terminator of creating jobs. You can’t stop him. The latest jobs report dropped this morning and the US economy added 187,000 jobs last month, once again beating expectations and showing the labor market kicking ass as the greatest jobs president of all time just keeps rolling. The unemployment rate bumped up to 3.8 percent. It’s really fucking amazing how resilient this economy has been (thanks to Bidenomics) even as the Federal Reserve has done everything it can to put Americans out of work.

More: CNN

Must-see-tv

Y’all ready to watch a pumpkin sweat? Fulton County Judge Scott McAfee said yesterday that all of the legal proceedings against criminal defendant Donald J. Trump will be live-streamed and televised. So yeah we’re not gonna be doing shit when that happens except gluing our hot asses to the couch and enjoying every last second of this. It’ll be like when Ted Lasso came out if Ted Lasso was a fascist fucking idiot hellbent on destroying American democracy.

More: AJC

Today’s clips

The Texas Supreme Court will allow the new state law banning gender-affirming care for minors to take effect on Friday, setting up Texas to be the most populous state with such restrictions on transgender children. More: HuffPost

President Joe Biden said Thursday he would travel to Florida this weekend to survey the damage from Hurricane Idalia, days after it caused major flooding and power outages before it weakened into a tropical storm. More: NBC