9.12.23 Go ahead and go

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. What if the word was profanitoe? That’d be so fucking weird.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How in the wide world of sports are y’all this fine day? Sexy as hell and twice as patriotic? We knew it! You know who else we’d dare say fits that description? Dark goddamn Brandon, that’s who.

In case you ain’t heard, Joe Biden is kinda old. Oh wait. Of course you’ve fucking heard because that’s pretty much all the fucking news talks about. Nevermind the rapist racist Capitol-attacking Putin-loving America-wrecking shit-eating rat-fucking sleazebag leading a cult to pretty much lead a global fascist revolution because it’s clearly more important that Joe Biden is no spring chicken. Thank god our fucking priorities are in the right place, right?

It really is endlessly infuriating to watch “But her emails” dusted off and rebranded with some sweet ageism. Just yesterday we caught this transcript from one of the “news” networks…

Anchor: Thanks, Bob. That sure was a wacky way to open a walnut. And now I’m going to stop being a reporter and get very opinionated and dickish about the president’s age. I am 61 years old and I think everyone older than me just plain sucks. Yeah, I despise senior citizens. I hate my own grandparents. I hate yours too. I think the early bird special at Denny’s is communist, and I wish I could beat Matlock to death with my own two hands. We should pass a law to end the AARP. I would disown my children if I caught them watching Cocoon. Wilford Brimley was the anti-christ. Betty White was a monster who should have retired instead of rubbing her talent in our face for so long. Eat the old. Goodnight and good luck. And now we look at the manly new way Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani are wearing their trousers around their nipples…

Ok you got us. That wasn’t real. But is it really that far off? Dude pulled us back from the brink of fascism and became the greatest jobs president of all time while (kinda sorta) pulling us out of a once-in-a-century pandemic. Maybe some of these buttheads could take a break from talking about the guy’s age to mention some of that shit. You think? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw, we’re just gonna put this right here for everyone who is sweating the early polls…

Note three: We’re finally getting some new COVID boosters, SPs, so get ready for us to be a broken record on this again — GET YOUR BOOSTER! We realize the world is moving on but people are still getting sick and dying from this shit and we don’t want y’all to be one of them. We’ll be getting ours just as soon as we can. More: HuffPost

Note four: Trump is running on ending democracy and cutting taxes for corporations. Only a really really really stupid goddamn country would want that. So yeah we get why everyone is nervous. More: HuffPost

Note five: These assholes are gonna fuck around and make us feel sorry for Tim Scott. How can anything be worth this constant humiliation?

Note six: Twitter has been throttling New York Times links, according to Semafor. Considering we hate Elon Musk, the New York Times and Semafor, this is all very conflicting for us. More: Semafor

Note seven: Btw the billionaire piece of shit who holds a buttload of US government contracts and has been sabotaging Ukrainians says that he’s not a traitor and if you criticize him you’re a traitor. We say that goddamn traitor can kiss all our asses. More: The New Voice of Ukraine

Note eight: The House is back today and the scary kids are gonna be talking about impeachment. So Jamie Raskin went ahead and did them a favor and wrecked their whole bullshit world. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Wisconsin Republicans want to impeach Judge Janet for talking about an issue. They were fine with other justices doing the same. We’re beginning to think these guys are just completely full of shit. More: AP

Note 10: It sure is shocking that the dumbshit football coach Republican senator messing with our military doesn’t actually know jack crap about our military.

Note 11: This whole thing with the Drew Barrymore Show returning during the strike seems extra shitty. We’re with the writers, and we’re against the people who ain’t. If that includes Gertie from E.T., then so fucking be it. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 12: Yesterday we saw both Mick Mulvaney and Andrew Yang talking up No Labels and we were reminded yet again that No Labels can eat shit and choke on it. More: Politico

Note 13: Trump wants a new judge. Well, we want a less orange villain. We don’t always get what we want, shithead. More: HuffPost

Note 14: UPDATE TO THE LAST NOTE — to make clear that this recusal move is about firing up his racist asshole base, Trump is out with a full attack on Judge Chutkan this morning. We sure hope the press will ignore it so they can talk about Biden’s age some more. NO LINK

Note 15: Vice President Harris went to Ground Zero in New York City yesterday to commemorate the 9/11 attacks. We’re grateful to her for being there, especially considering gross people like Giuliani and DeSantis were there too. More: AP

Note 16: Congratulations to the Little Mermaid. Sucks to be a loser racist asshole.

Note 17: If you ever need proof the beltway press is a joke, just look at how they’ve covered Nancy Mace. JFC. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Y’all, we hope you know by now that we love y’all very much. And we know we’re living through some tough times. September is Suicide Awareness Month, and we just want everyone to know that the number to call is 988. We need you here, SPs.

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note but we have to get mad at ourselves first. We saw this clip of Mike Lindell losing his shit over someone calling his goddamn pillows lumpy and we couldn’t wait to share it with you yesterday and then we just plum forgot. Anyway, here it is and we’re sorry for delaying your laughter…

Note 20: And on that freaking hilarious note, let’s go do some news! Thank you so much for joining us today. We are so grateful for y’all. We hope your week is off to a great start, and we’re damn excited to see you back here tomorrow. Love y’all!

Here we go again

Alabama Republicans just can’t take stop-being-racist-assholes for an answer. After being told by the Supreme Court to make a second majority Black congressional district, Alabama drew up new maps that did very much not make a second majority Black congressional district. So then a federal judge said ok that’s some racist bullshit so this court will appoint a special master to draw the maps for you. So Alabama Republicans appealed and yesterday morning another federal court said sorry about it but that special master thing is legit. It seems like the racist assholes’ best bet at this point is the SCOTUS majority suddenly remembering they don’t actually care about this shit and reversing themselves. But we’re gonna hope that doesn’t happen.

More: AL

Go ahead and go

Marjorie Taylor Greene loves America so much she wants to secede from it. We’re not even making this up. Yesterday, to commemorate 9/11, Marge said that if Biden won’t do something about immigration — she used different words — then “states should consider seceding from the union.” Um ok. Look it’s pretty important to us to keep the US together but if Marjorie wants to leave, we’re sure as shit not gonna try to stop her. So good luck forming the United States of Fucking Idiots Who Believe in Jewish Space Lasers! Also, do we think some reporters could ask Kevin McCarthy about this maybe?

More: Rolling Stone

Go ahead, dumbasses

The big news out of DC this morning according to Kevin McCarthy’s kiss-ass press corps is that McCarthy will endorse an impeachment inquiry this week. Yeah, they don’t have any evidence, but they’re going to use the proceedings to smear the president and the press is obviously cheering them on. House Republicans used a literal fucking Chinese spy to attack the president’s only surviving son and now they want to impeach him to make Trump happy. They’re already attacking Rep. Ken Buck for daring to criticize them. This is going to be so fucked up and stupid. Especially when they shut down the government. So great ready for Super Happy Dumbfuck Dipshit Time, everyone!

More: NBC

Today’s clips

​​The U.S. Capitol Police arrested seven activists who staged a sit-in at House Speaker Kevin McCarthy’s (R-Calif.) office on Monday demanding the renewal of a government-funded program that fights HIV and AIDS internationally. More: HuffPost

The Biden administration informed Congress on Monday that it has taken concrete steps to carry out a prisoner exchange with Iran, issuing a waiver that will give Tehran access to $6 billion in Iranian oil revenue that had been blocked by U.S. sanctions, according to a State Department document sent to Congress and obtained by NBC News. More: NBC