9.11.23 Go Nancy!

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And on Mondays it uses an assload of it.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck was your weekend? Yikes! That sounds like a good way to pull a hamstring, but we’re glad you had fun. Us? We had a wonderful weekend. But the crazy part was how forward we’re looking to this week. Why? Well, it’s crazy fucknuts dipshit time of course.

LOL. That’s right, y’all, the Marjorie QAnon Dumbshit Show is back on this week and we want Americans to see every single bit of it. The House of Representatives is back after taking another super fucking long vacation and they’re going to do everything they can to fuck up the economy in service of their dimwitted orange god. As Americans, we’re horrified. As people who want Democrats to win elections, we can’t stop laughing.

These extremist shiteaters are really gonna shut down the government to try and impeach Biden and protect Trump? LOLOL. To paraphrase John Fetterman, go ahead we fucking dare you. While they’re at it, maybe they can do a nationally televised 30-minute special where Marjorie and Matt Gaetz take turns wiping their gross treasonous asses with the American flag.

So brace yourselves for a lot of aggravation and a lot of dumbfuckery. But take comfort in knowing that the more the American people see of this idiot show, the more they like us. So go ahead, assheads, do your worst. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We shouldn’t have said that thing about the American flag. These days it’s poor form to put that shit out into the universe because now you know they’re gonna actually do it. Our bad.

Note three: We’re wishing the HUGEST congratulations to tennis superstar Coco Gauff on winning the US Open. Simply awesome. More: CNN

Note four: This Sept. 11 we’re thinking about that crisp fall morning, the horrors we saw, the victims, their families, the way the world has since changed and the sleazebag pig-fucking Republicans who have completely sold us out to Saudi Arabia.

Note five: Speaking of pig-fucking Saudi sellouts, Elon Musk says you needn’t worry about the monkeys he’s experimenting on with brain chips. We were gonna make joke, but we liked this one better…

Note six: North Korea and Russia are sure getting chummy. To decent people this is awful. To Trump this is like the formation of a new super PAC. More: CNN

Note seven: We are still so fucking mad that Lindsey Graham didn’t get indicted in Georgia.

Note eight: Finally. A Republican is calling out Sen. Tommy Tuberville’s attacks on the US military. Why is he the only one? More: NBC

Note nine: Big congratulations to Hillary Clinton on joining Columbia University as a professor and on the launch of the school’s institute of politics. Seems like a way better way to spend your time than getting incited in Georgia. More: CBS

Note 10: It was the weekend of many middle fingers as both Trump and Ron DeSuckass went to a college football game in Iowa and social media was flooded with images of people giving them the finger. To be fair, there were a lot of asshats cheering both men on. We’d like to give those people the finger too.

Note 11: If y’all aren’t watching Winning Time on HBO or whatever it’s called now, you’re missing out. The casting is insane.

Note 12: Holy shit! Tate Reeves just can’t stop ripping off the people of Mississippi. Maybe that state should elect a governor this year who is related to Elvis and won’t steal from them. More: Daily Beast (Paywall)

Note 13: Nikki Haley says Tommy Tubervill is right and the Pentagon is wrong. This leads us to an important question — who the fuck is this Nikki Haley person? More: HuffPost

Note 14: We’ll get into this more in a sec, but for now we just want to leave this right here…

Note 15: We’re sending love and support to New Mexico Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham. It takes real guts to stand up for kids and against gun violence the way she has. More: ABC

Note 16: Remember that asshole Spanish soccer guy who ruined the team’s World Cup victory by forcibly kissing one of the players and then refusing to resign for weeks? Well he resigned. Bye, asshole Spanish soccer guy. Have fun being hated. More: CNN

Note 17: How corrupt are Ginni Thomas and Leonard Leo? So corrupt even fucking Politico couldn’t ignore it. More: Politico

Note 18: The Bozell family have been prominent right-wing nutjob fuckheads in this country for a long time. So we shouldn’t be surprised one of them attacked the Capitol. We do hope he’ll enjoy his stay in prison. More: AP

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note, so today we’re ending on Vice President Kamala Harris hosting a party to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of hip-hop. Some people hated this. We wonder why.

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had an awesome weekend, and we just know this week is gonna kick some serious ass. And if you get bored, just turn on the Marjorie QAnon Dumbshit Show and laugh and laugh and laugh. Love y’all!

Bye, Chuckles

We came damn close to making the opening note a boisterous celebration of Chuck Todd finally slinking off the Meet the Press stage to go be a mediocre butt-kissing beltway turd somewhere else. But we decided the gutless goatee has wasted enough of everybody’s time. And besides, he is staying on as their senior political analysts. We’re just so fucking grateful we don’t have to watch that light-weight buttlick twirl his pen and furrow his brow like he’s an actual serious person. Bye-bye, dingus.

More: The Hill

WTF?!

Joe Biden just wrapped a majorly successful whirlwind trip and all the press wants to talk about is his fucking age. You see Biden made the mistake of telling the press that he was going to bed after finishing working his ass off at the summit and so they’ve tried to make it seem like that’s an age thing. Guess what? We went to bed last night too. Lots of people did. The reason the White House press is confused by all of this is because they sleep upside down in a cave below Mar-a-Lago and they only wake up to kiss orange ass or sign book deals. Congratulations on a successful trip, Mr. President. Fuck the ageists.

More: CNN

Go Nancy!

On Friday, Speaker Emeritus Nancy Pelosi announced she will seek another term to Congress. We say hell yeah. The speaker led our party and our country to unprecedented successes and we are damn lucky to have her continuing to lead our party. The shit she did to Trump alone is worth rooting for. So we’re on board and hoping the speaker is about to kick some (more) ass.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Survivors with shovels worked alongside bulldozers Monday to dig through remote Moroccan villages flattened by a monstrous earthquake, as hope dwindled of finding people alive under wood-and-dirt homes that pancaked into rubble and rescuers overseas waited for Morocco to let them help. More: HuffPost

Rep. Barbara Lee (D-Calif.) is criticizing comments by California Gov. Gavin Newsom that he would appoint a Black woman to be Sen. Dianne Feinstein’s replacement — but not someone running for the seat. More: The Hill