8.31.23 How does that taste, Rudy?

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. Because let’s face it — sometimes being bad feels so good. And also for democracy and shit.

Note: Huddle up, Sexy Patriots! We come today to celebrate a new American hero. You might have seen the video yesterday. The emergence of a new resistance hero. The Eater of Peter. The Declarer-of-war-o-on-Navarro. We don’t know her. We’ve never met. But we are huge fans. And we are her. The whole beautiful fucking Sexy Patriot Universe is.

Well goddamn that’s funny. Like really fucking funny. But it’s so much more than that. Her steadfast and prepared refusal to cede her ground to an entitled dipshit. Her casual but clear disdain for this enemy of America. Her sign that states the obvious for all the morons in the back who still haven’t figured out what the hell is going on yet. We certainly wouldn’t pretend to speak for such a precise and eloquent voice but it does seem everything about her says we have seen assholes like you before and we are not fucking impressed.

And then there’s the “bro.” That’s what elevates this from patriotism to heroism/art. If you watch the video, you’ll see that with one unlikely word, our hero reaches into this shriveled husk of a man’s chest cavity and plucks out the lump of shit-smelling slime that he calls a soul and nonchalantly tosses it over her shoulder for her rescue dogs to enjoy.

We’d never heard of this person before yesterday. Now we’re prepared to follow her anywhere. Well not like in an attack-the-Capitol-and-smear-our-poop-on-the-walls kinda way. We’re not scumbags. No we just mean this is the kind of calm, cool, righteous and defiant as fuck approach we’re all gonna need to take for the next year and change. We’re not scared. We’re pissed off. We’ve seen these assholes before. And we were not impressed. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’ve watched that video a thousand times and laughed our asses off every time.

Note three: Why the fuck is a supposed Democrat going on Hugh Hewitt’s fucking show to complain about Trump’s trial schedule being unfair? If Ro Khanna wants us all to hate him, kissing Elon and Trump’s asses is a great fucking way to do it. More: Guardian

Note four: We found some more voter fraud. This time it was a white Republican lawmaker in Alabama. Trump is gonna be furious. More: AP

Note five: This isn’t funny. We’re laughing about something else.

Note six: Btw, isn’t it great the way Joe Biden didn’t try to extort anything from Ron DeSantis before helping the people of Florida? More: The Hill

Note seven: James “Dick Pic” Comer has made a fool of himself all year, smearing the president and his only surviving son and even using a fucking Chinese spy to do it. So of course NBCNews rewarded Comer with a drooling feature story about whether he’ll run for other offices. We will not be linking to it.

Note eight: Hey so our bad! Yesterday we told you that Proud Boy Enrique Tarrio was getting sentenced. And then almost immediately after we hit send we saw that the proceeding was delayed until next Tuesday because the judge was sick. His co-defendants are still scheduled to get theirs today and tomorrow. More: NPR

Note nine: The Alabama AG says he can prosecute women who travel to get an abortion. Remember when all those fucking assholes told us we were being hysterical? More: AL

Note 10: Is this good? This seems good, right?

Note 11: This little story got lost yesterday but try not to be too shocked that Trump’s idiotic second term economic plans would cut the US GDP. More: Bloomberg

Note 12: And while dumbshit is proposing stuff like that, Dark Brandon canceled another $72 million in student debt. This is making a real difference in people’s lives. More: CNN

Note 13: It’s pretty fucking astonishing that a state superintendent and Libs of TikTok can get multiple death threats sent to a fucking elementary school and most of the press don’t give a shit. Are they waiting for an actual bomb to give a damn? More: NBC

Note 14: It also seems like it should be bigger news that Trump is openly saying he’ll lock up his political enemies. Though we suppose he has been running on this for seven years. More: Guardian

Note 15: You want to laugh until your face hurts?

Note 16: Good news, everybody! Clarence Thomas finally disclosed the trips that his rich buddy used to bribe him with. Guess that means he’s not corrupt anymore. More: CNN

Note 17: We were gonna show y’all that video of Ted Cruz drinking his first beer and trying to act tough but we figured we’re all pretty maxed out on hating that loser.

Note 18: Wanna see something freaking awesome?

Note 19: We like to end on a happy note. We’re not sure that’s what this is but we are pleasantly surprised some Georgia Republicans are pushing back on the attacks on Fani Willis. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that confusing note, let’s go do some news! That opening note gave us all the resistance feels. We love being in this fight with y’all so much. Thank you for joining us today. We’ll see you back here tomorrow. Love y’all!

Party in the USA

Yes we’re quoting Miley Cyrus. We apologize for nothing. Also we’re really happy to see that Biden’s HHS has recommended moving marijuana out of the Schedule I classification that basically had the federal government treating it the same as heroin. HHS made the move almost a year after Biden ordered the department to review the drug’s classification. Now we just have to wait for the DEA to be dicks about this.

More: NBC

Get well, Mitch

If y’all ever wonder just how afraid of karma we are, just look at that subhed. Yeah Mitch McConnell froze again yesterday and it did not look good. Despite Punchbowl and CNN rushing to tell everyone that Mitch is actually doing great, it’s quite obvious that he is not. The good news for Mitch is he will get the best healthcare in the world even though he wants to deny you the same. We can’t quite bring ourselves to make fun of him, but we will say it’s time for that motherfucker to go and has been for quite some time. We were gonna hit him harder but then we saw how tacky Marjorie looked doing it.

More: NBC, CNBC

How does that taste, Rudy?

Rudy Giuliania defamed Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman. We already knew that shit but now a judge has ruled as much. And Rudy is fucked. There will still be a trial to determine just how much Rudy’s broke ass has to fork over to the women whose lives he made a living hell, but this bird is pretty much cooked. We enjoy watching all these fuckheads taste justice, but with Rudy it is extra sweet. We hope Shaye and Ruby are able to retire on a beautiful beach somewhere. We hope something very different for Rudy.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Unexplained Caribbean and European trips that cost taxpayers more than $90,000. A $600 sports coat paid for by an event organizer. A $45 office Christmas cake taken as his own. These are among the perks that Republican Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton 's former employees say he reveled in while using his office in ways that now have him facing a federal criminal investigation and potential ouster over allegations of corruption. More: HuffPost

Mississippi will have its first-ever openly gay state legislator after a House candidate won his Democratic primary election runoff Tuesday. More: HuffPost