8.30.23 Big Pharma is big mad

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It comes in handy when we talk about Giuliani’s creepy ass.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you today? Well you smell fantastic. And hey, at least you’re doing better than Francis Suarez. Yeah, we weren’t sure who that was either, so we were quite shocked to hear yesterday that he’s dropping out of the presidential race. Bummer, whoever-you-are.

Apparently Francis (are we the only people who hear Sgt. Hulka’s voice every single time we say or hear “Francis?”) is the mayor of Miami, and he’s quitting the race because he didn’t make the first GOP debate and because his campaign was a fucking joke from the beginning. He could’ve just lied and said he was Asa Hutchinson and nobody would’ve gotten wise. Or maybe they would have. We looked it up and that Asa person is still running. But we did a little digging and it turns out there are quite a few other Republican candidates who have already suspended their campaigns…

Fred Thompson — quit after voters discovered he’s been dead since 2015

Johnny Schoolshooting — while beloved by the MAGA base, Johnny had trouble catching on with people who aren’t complete fucking psychos

Jesus H. Christ — Total socialist, love of poor people a total nonstarter, just another goddamn hippie in need of a haircut

Ron DeSantis — shhhhhhhh nobody tell Ron

Megan McCain — apparently nepotism has its limits

Jon Voight — chose instead to be emperor of his man cave where he can drink as much of his own pee as he wants and you commies can’t stop him

Donald Trump Junior — quitting to spend more time with his “family” and “family” means cocaine

Newt Gingrich — quit to spend more time looking for open marriages to crash and still owes $5 million from his last campaign (that second part is actually 100 percent true; the first part is probably only like 75 percent true)

Larry Hogan — wanted to find more creative and destructive ways to help Trump win and be an asshole

Gosh, we’re pretty bummed we won’t get the chance to vote against some of these people, but we sure enjoy watching them crash and burn. Better luck next time, dude-whose-name-we-already-forgot! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Good news, everybody! A bunch of Clarence Thomas’s former clerks say he’s not corrupt. They even got John fucking Eastman to sign the goddamn letter so you know it’s legit. More: Fox

Note three: Oh shit. Did we just link to Fox? We’re gonna need a shower and an exorcism.

Note four: Apparently Jack Smith’s team is looking into Rudy’s drinking. Based on Rudy’s appearance and remarks, we suggest Smith also test for bath salts, speed and huffing gameshow host farts. More: Rolling Stone

Note five: Btw if you thought our opening note was too silly or far-fetched, here’s someone named Will Hurd forgetting he’s a presidential candidate lol…

Note six: We fucked up and totally forgot to tell y’all about VP Harris welcoming the WNBA superstar A’ja Wilson and the champion Las Vegas Aces to the White House last Friday. If you haven’t seen Wilson play, you should remedy that quick before she scores on you. More: USA Today

Note seven: A majority of dog owners in this country are skeptical of vaccines for their dogs. Even for rabies. Maybe we should let the dogs vote? We feel like they’d be smarter about this shit than their owners. More: The Hill

Note eight: Chris Christie is using Trump’s mugshot in an ad. Funny. We’ve been using it to line urinals. You’d be amazed how many Trumpers we’ve had to stop from using it as a water fountain. More: NBC

Note nine: Michigan Republicans might have found the person they want to run for the US Senate. They just need him to move back to Michigan first. More: Politico

Note 10: Y’all this country is fucked up.

Note 11: Thank goodness someone is suing the shit out of Ohio Republicans for trying to scam voters with that bullshit abortion language on the ballot. More: HuffPost

Note 12: If Gavin Newsom ever wants any of us to take him seriously as a national candidate, he really needs to stop kissing Elon Musk’s ass. Or maybe that’s just who he really is. More: SF Standard

Note 13: LOLOL! Kids in Iowa who want to be called by a nickname have to get their parents’ permission because Iowa is all fucking backwards and anti-gay now. This would’ve meant we never would have gone to school with Wet Farts McGee and that would’ve been a real crime. More: Des Moines Register

Note 14: It sure does seem like 99.999999 percent of all voter fraud cases are white Republican assholes who think Trump is their bestest friend and the law doesn’t apply to them. More: CleveScene

Note 15: Michelle Obama is in the fight for equal pay for women athletes. She’s also just fucking crushing it wherever she goes. Let’s enjoy this for a moment before Melania tries to steal it.

Note 16: Republicans are openly running on changing our country to the United States of Trump and the press keeps acting like it’s the most normal shit in the world. More: AP

Note 17: Twitter is bringing back political advertising. So to answer all of our questions, yes, it can suck more. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Joe Manchin and his soulless greedhead daughter are looking to start a $100 million dark money group devoted to centrism. Because nothing says centrism like dark money and corrupt piece of shit politicians. More: WSJ (Paywall)

Note 19: We normally like to end on a happy note, but this is powerful as hell and we want everyone to see it…

Note 20: And on that haunting note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome freaking week. Or at least one that’s better than shitty. Have a great day, and we’ll see you back here tomorrow. Love y’all!

Y’all Tennes-see this shit?

Democrats went to the special legislative session in the Tennessee legislature with one goal — protect kids from gun violence. Unfortunately for decent people in the Volunteer State, Republicans went into the special session with one goal too — be fascist dickheads. Yesterday the two bodies wrapped up after having done jack shit to actually keep kids safe, leaving crying moms furious that their pleas for sanity were ignored. As if that evil crap wasn’t bad enough, it also looks like House Speaker Cameron Sexton tried to throw his shoulder at Rep. Justin Pearson. That comes one day after Cameron and his fellow dirtbags voted to silence Rep. Justin Jones. Chickenshit Gov. Bill Lee finally emerged from hiding yesterday to tell everyone how great the session had gone. So he’s a coward and a liar.

More: WSMV, Fox17

Big Pharmassholes

Yesterday Joe Biden announced 10 drugs that Medicare will be able to negotiate the price of in an effort to help Americans afford their necessary medications. And both Republicans and Big Pharma are PISSED. Yeah you know politics is fucked up right now when the GOP doesn’t think twice about siding with the fuckers who are arguing for higher drug prices. That kind of stuff used to earn you a fast and early retirement from holding office. But MAGA people are fine with paying more for diabetes medicine if it owns the libs and makes their orange god smile. The rest of us not so much.

More: The Hill

So proud

Remember when a bunch of Trump-loving dirtbags were convicted of seditious conspiracy against the United States because they attacked the Capitol and attempted a coup? If you answered no it’s probably because our mainstream media gets pretty bored by this topic. But that did happen and those dirty motherfuckers are about to face the music for real. The sentencing hearing for Enrique Tarrio is today and DOJ is asking for 33 years. Most of the rest of those scummy shitheads are getting sentenced this week too. This sure seems like a big deal to us. But we’re also not New York Times reporters who desperately want Trump to like us.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

A Republican-led effort to reprimand District Attorney Fani Willis after she brought charges against former President Donald Trump in Fulton County is poised to expand, as state and federal lawmakers pursue new efforts to sanction the prosecutor. More: AJC

A federal judge needs a little more information before issuing a ruling on former White House chief of staff Mark Meadows’ request to move his Georgia state racketeering case to federal court. More: HuffPost

CNN has named Mark Thompson, a former top executive at The New York Times and the BBC, as its new CEO and chairman as the network gears up to cover the 2024 presidential election, parent company Warner Bros. Discovery said Wednesday. More: HuffPost