8.24.23 HAPPY ARREST DAY!!!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. Today it’s gonna laugh a lot too.

Note: We did it, America! We caught the Face Pooper!

Hey there, SPs, it’s great to see you today. We’re definitely gonna talk about that horrifying orgy of ass-kissery Republicans called a debate and we need to remind you about today’s Global Ass Shake, but FIRST, it’s been a long time coming, y’all. He’s been a miserable piece of shit his whole life. He married his cousin and it’s not even a Top 10 scandal for him. He’s so full of shit we’ve seen him poop out of his forehead. And yesterday, for the first time maybe ever, karma paid Doodie Pooliani a visit. Ladies and gentlemen and Sexy Patriots, say hello to Doodie…

HOLY SHIT-COVERED YIKES! So that’s what evil looks like when it gets drunk on paint thinner every day. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then 999 of those are “ewwwww” and the noise you make when you’re dry-heaving.

Also there’s something we need to say and we’ve been waiting to say it about this dirty motherfucker for a long time… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Have a good day, Rudes?! LOLOL!!!!!! Enjoy the clink, asshole!!!!!

That felt so good. Thanks for indulging us. We just wanted to point and laugh at that horrible disgusting monster and really savor this for a few moments. He’s had it coming for a very long time. We only hope Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss were able to enjoy it too. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The TBS Global Ass Shake is upon us!!!!! Sexy Patriots, it’s the day we’ve been waiting for — Trump is going down! Y’all ready to celebrate? We are too. Because we don’t know what time the orange gets peeled, we’re going to say 2 p.m. Eastern Time is the official Global Shake moment. So when the clock hits 2, shake a tailfeather! We’ll be joining you! Woohooooooooo!!!!!!

Note three: We seriously can’t believe we’re getting a Trump mugshot today. Somebody pinch us. Ouch!

Note four: So we all heard all those butt-kissing Republicans on stage last night say they want a national abortion ban, right? We heard Tim Scott literally listing blue states where he wants to force his abortion beliefs on women? Ok cool. Let’s make sure that shit don’t happen. More: Guardian

Note five: LOLOL Pence raised his hand! Trump must still have a string connected to it. Or Pence is just a spineless chickenshit with no self respect. Or both.

Note six: Can someone explain to us why that sedentary chode Ron DeSantis was worthy of a year’s worth of hype? Dude has LOSER written all over him. Along with some other choice words. More: NBC

Note seven: Chris Christie had some funny moments. He still sucks. Like really really really sucks. More: CNN

Note eight: We’re wrapping up the hottest summer EVER and these fucking idiots still don’t believe in climate change? More: Guardian

Note nine: We watched that shit and we’re still not convinced that Doug Burgum guy is a real person.

Note 10: Wow. Fox News is taking mugshots too!

Note 11: Did y’all hear Bret Baier’s chicken ass bring up Trump’s many legal troubles and say “let’s just get through this?” What a goddamn hero. More: Daily Dot

Note 12: Give us a moment to gather ourselves please. We’re still laughing at Giuliani.

Note 13: NOOOOOO!!!! Shohei Ohtani is injured and won’t be pitching again this year. The baseball gods stay angry. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 14: So this is one of those WHY THE FUCK ISN’T EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT THIS stories. More: Citizens for Ethics

Note 15: Seriously what the hell is wrong with this guy? (DeSantis; not Keith)

Note 16: Good news for Tennesseans. They can now carry paper signs where they were already allowed to carry guns. How stupid. More: AP

Note 17: That LibsOfTikTok monster attacked an elementary school yesterday and then it received two bomb threats. And these assholes say they’re protecting the kids?! More: KTUL

Note 18: We didn’t think we’d ever promote something Laura Ingrahm said, but when she’s right she’s right. And she ain’t never right.

Note 19: We like to end the notes on a happy one, so we’re not gonna even talk about Trump’s boring shitty interview with Tucker Carlson. You’re welcome. More: Rolling Stone

Note 20: And on that kind note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are ready to shake your booties today. We know we sure are. We’ve been waiting a long time for this, so let’s blow off some steam! Love y’all!

Shocking

Putin’s gonna need a new chef. Because it sure looks like he just murdered his old one. A plane thought to be carrying Russian mercenary Yevgeny Prighozin crashed yesterday going from Moscow to St. Petersburg. You might remember Prighozin from earlier this year when he attempted a coup against Putin. Nobody knows for sure what happened here but yeah we all know for sure what happened here. As President Biden said yesterday, this kinda shit don’t happen in Russia without Putin knowing about it. Maybe this is why the Republican Party won’t stop kissing Putin’s ass.

Goddamnit, South Carolina

Lindsey Graham, Tim Scott, Nikki Haley. Hasn’t South Carolina pissed us off and embarrassed the nation enough? Apparently not. Yesterday four women-hating dude bros on the state supreme court approved the state’s six-week abortion ban. So yet another American state has joined the Taliban following the fall of Roe. They are never gonna stop unless we stop them. Also, we don’t normally credit the press for a job well done, but this headline correctly notes that an “all-male” court did this awful shit.

HAPPY ARREST DAY!!!

WE’RE DOING THIS SECTION IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE WE CAN’T STOP YELLING WITH JOY!!! DONALD TRUMP IS FINALLY FUCKING GETTING ARRESTED TODAY! THIS AFTERNOON THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WHO ATTEMPTED A COUP AND JUST SUCKS IN ABOUT A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS WILL TURN HIS SORRY ORANGE ASS IN TO FULTON COUNTY AUTHORITIES. GODDAMNIT WE CAN’T STOP SMILING.

Today’s clips

At least three people have been fatally shot and six others injured at a beloved Southern California biker bar, authorities said, in the latest of more than 460 mass shootings this year in the United States. More: CNN

X has suspended an account that posted numerous anti-gay and antisemitic posts and was used by the man accused of killing store owner Lauri Carleton over her display of a Pride Flag. But the account had remained live two days after law enforcement publicly confirmed its existence on the platform formerly known as Twitter. The social media company finally suspended the account Wednesday evening. More: CNN

A federal judge has denied last-minute attempts by Mark Meadows and Jeffrey Clark to avoid being arrested in the Fulton County, Georgia, election interference case if they fail to appear on time for their arraignments on the charges. More: HuffPost