8.23.23 The Volunteer (to get the hell out of there) State

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. So we can call bullshit on the lying dirtbags at tonight’s Republican debate.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to Today’s Big Stuff. Today we’re going to provide you with a handy preview of what to expect when a bunch of Republicans most people have never heard of get on stage and pretend for a second like there’s a snowball’s chance in hell they might actually beat the twice-impeached multi-indicted shitstain who launched a violent attack on our Capitol. We hope they all embarrass themselves miserably, and we feel confident they will.

But first, let us all take a moment to laugh at Francis Suarez, Perry Johnson, Will Hurd and the rest of the pathetic losers who didn’t even make the fucking debate stage. Hahahaha. Losers. As for what you can expect tonight, well, here’s the batting order…

1. Ron DeSantis — will try early and often not to cry, soil himself, burn a cross, punch a kid, suck his own big toe, fart a catchy tune, start voraciously eating pudding with his disgusting fingers or do any other creepily wild and weird shit that freaks us all out, likely to be one of those candidates you can smell through the tv

2. Vivek Ramaswamy — Whatever a shithouse rat would say, this guy will say stuff that’s way crazier, including conspiracy theories about Sept. 11, Jan. 6 and last Tuesday when a talking pigeon shit on his shoe and then doxxed him to the Paraguayan government

3. Mike Pence — HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! This sorry motherfucker is just trying to get out of the building alive, may or may not try to save his family too

4. Nikki Haley — We swear to god we forgot she was running, she’ll basically just be Lindsey Graham 2.NO kissing Trump ass until it gets weird and super uncomfortable for everyone

5. Chris Christie — ok we’ll admit we’re kinda looking forward to this shit even though this dude still sucks diseased goat taint, give ‘em hell asswipe

6. Tim Scott — expect the same play as Nikki and Lindsey and also what the fuck is going on in South Carolina that all these a-holes are so desperate to kiss gameshow host ass? Can we rush an order of self-respect down there like today?

7. Asa Hutchinson — We predict this guy is gonna be the surprise winner of the night and force the GOP to do some serious soul-searching, lol just kidding we don’t even know who the hell this dunce is and neither does his family

8. Doug Burgum — Not actually a real person, nice try Fox News but we know an op when we see one! Wait. What’s that? Oh we’re being informed this actually is a real person. We’ll just assume he sucks as a person to be on this stage. Good luck, whoever-the-fuck-you-are! (Update: Apparently this possibly real person hurt himself playing basketball last night and might not make the debate stage. Sure. Likely story.)

And there you have it. We hope this has been helpful. We don’t know if we’re gonna watch yet. We really don’t hate ourselves that much, but we are curious to see the portion when they start slapping each other with lace gloves and throwing handfuls of their own feces at each other. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Ok, SPs, we are on for tomorrow night! It looks like TRUMP IS GETTING ARRESTED on Thursday night. Which is perfect for the TBS Global Ass Shake because then we don’t have to worry about any party-pooper and reasonable office policies that prevent that kind of thing. We’ll hit y’all with a specific time to shake your booty in tomorrow’s edition. Until then, do some stretches. Don’t want to pull a cheek.

Note three: Our good friend Connecticut Sen. Bob Duff recently met with some Democratic leaders from Hawaii and they were kind enough to pass along this link for anyone who wants to pitch in and help those poor folks. Thanks, Bob! More: Maui Strong

Note four: BABE ALERT! (True story: We laughed our asses off for 15 minutes after we thought of that.)

Note five: Hot union summer is ending with a bang! HUGE congrats to the workers at UPS who voted to accept a new contract yesterday. We really don’t talk enough about the gains working people have made this year. We still want to tax the ever-living shit out of billionaires though. More: NBC

Note six: Btw, we read several stories about how a UPS strike would be a disaster for Biden. Oddly enough, we couldn’t find any today about how this is great news for him. Weird, right?

Note seven: Have you seen right-wing scum attacking Joe Biden for falling asleep in Hawaii? Well it’s another lie. We know you’re shocked. More: NBC

Note eight: How much do Republicans care about voter fraud? Enough to try and disband the people who catch Republicans committing it. We’re beginning to think they’re completely full of crap. More: News 5 Cleveland

Note nine: You’ll be shocked to hear this, but the Republican National Committee is making its summer meeting closed press. Let’s just hope like hell they’re not in there planning another violent attack on the Capitol. That’s not even a joke. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Holy shit is this too good to be true? Politico (yeah we know) is reporting that the DC AG is investigating Leonard Leo. Which raises the question of why the hell Merrick Garland isn’t. More: Politico

Note 11: We’re gonna talk more about this bullshit in the news section, but we want to make sure y’all see what’s going on in Tennessee…

Note 12: We couldn’t stop laughing at John Eastman getting arrested in Georgia yesterday. It’s funny that Trump is always talking about “central casting” and all the crazy assholes around him look exactly like crazy assholes. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Mark Meadows is trying to get out of being arrested by arguing that he’s special and important. Fani Willis isn’t having it. Probably because Meadows is neither special nor important. More: AJC

Note 14: LOL. Trump has a new economic plan — it’s to destroy the economy by putting tariffs on everything. If the American people really think this fucking idiot is better for the economy than the actual greatest jobs president ever that we have right now, then we are just too dumb to keep being a country. Sorry. That’s the rules. More: Business Insider

Note 15: We aren’t done being heartbroken and fucking furious about the murder of Lauri Carelton. The man who murdered her was a Trump fan. How long are the beltway media going to keep acting like he isn’t driving violence? More: Independent

Note 16: So things are going great at the New York Times…

Note 17: At tonight’s debate, the two moderators are Bret Baier and Martha McCallum. They are not journalists. We’re not even sure they’re human. It’s entirely possible they are only visiting from Planet Suck.

Note 18: Don’t forget to tune in and watch Tucker Carlson interview Trump. It’s pre-recorded and only playing on those little tvs they have on gas pumps, but it’s probably really smart and insightful. No takers? More: CNN

Note 19: We love to end on a happy note around here and we couldn’t think of anything happier than congratulating GOAT Serena Williams and her husband on the birth of their new baby. Congrats!!! More: People

Note 20: And on that happy note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a lovely week and are as fired up as we are for the Global Ass Shake Thursday night. And don’t feel like you have to watch the GOP suckfest tonight. We’ve got you covered in tomorrow’s TBS. Love y’all!

The Volunteer (to get the hell out of there) State

What the fuck is going on with Tennessee? We knew the deranged racist good ol’ boys who are running shit had lost their goddamn minds when they threw out the Justins, but now they’re throwing out the moms of school shooting victims? How twisted do you have to be to say that guns are allowed but pieces of paper aren’t? We’re thinking about doing a rescue mission to get Nashville and Memphis the hell out of there. They can stay with Sam in California.

More: News Channel 5

Flip!

Trump employee Yuscil Taveras has seen the light. Yeah it seems that when Taveras had a Trump lawyer, he was happy to lie to the special counsel. But when they got him a real lawyer, he started telling the truth. We’ll be honest — we’re not getting our hopes up for this classified docs case because we know what a corrupt joke Aileen Cannon is. But we do think it’s funny when people sell out Trump because he’s too cheap and dumb to keep paying their legal bills. You listening, Rudy?

More: Politico

Rudy can fail

One of the most spectacular and urine-soaked falls from grace in American history continues today as Rudolph “Face Shitter” Pooliani will surrender to Fulton County authorities to be arrested. Goddamn we want to write that again just for the endorphins. Rudy, who is broke and looks like a drunken Gargamel, might have to hitchhike his way to Georgia since he’s broke. Trump is finally hosting a fundraiser for his “lawyer” to help him cover his legal bills. Bet Orangey was worried about his buddy flipping. Rudy might make us question the existence of god, but today he’s making us a big believer in karma. But that mugshot is gonna be like opening the fucking Ark of the Covenant. Oh well, have a great day, Rudes!

More: NBC, HuffPost

Today’s clips

Two weeks after the deadliest U.S. wildfire in more than a century swept through the Maui community of Lahaina, authorities say anywhere between 500 and 1,000 people remain unaccounted for — a staggering number for officials facing huge challenges to determine how many of those perished and how many may have made it to safety but haven’t checked in. More: HuffPost

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) said Tuesday that Republicans would open an impeachment inquiry against President Joe Biden next month if he doesn’t hand over personal records. More: HuffPost