8.22.23 Republicans want to shut down the government

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it’s probably not getting arrested this week. 

Note: It’s about that time, Sexy Patriots! Donald Trump is getting arrested! Damn that felt good to write! Yeah, the tangerine terror is planning to surrender to Fulton County authorities on Thursday. The yam man is finally going down without any special treatment, and it’s happening this week. And you know what that means… IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER TBS GLOBAL ASS SHAKE!

We know what you’re thinking — TBS, you’re so funny and attractive and what’s a TBS Global Ass Shake? Fair question. And a kind and honest assessment:) But you’re definitely right to ask because we’re trying like hell to remember the last time we did one of these and what we called it when we did. Was it Biden winning the Electoral College? Did we call it an Ass Shake? A Butt Wiggle? Goddamnit we can’t remember. And yeah we realize all of this inspires a whole lot of confidence but just hang with us for a minute.

Basically the TBS Global Ass Shake goes like this — when something bad happens for Trump or something good happens for America (or when they are the same thing as is so often the case), we pick a designated time and at that time we all stop what we’re doing and shake our asses, dancing wildly in celebration for a few moments. That way nobody is celebrating alone and we don’t have to rent out a fucking bingo hall. It’s like Hands Across America but with way more booty sweat and our friends from other countries are welcome to join.

So if y’all are up for it, let’s plan on a TBS Global Ass Shake on Thursday. We’ll pick a time after we find out what time orangey is getting booked. Sound like a plan, SPs?

Note two: We should add one caveat. If Trump flees to Russia instead, we’re gonna have to make this a full-blown dance party and rent that bingo hall.

Note three: It is pretty fucking hilarious that Trump had to agree to put up a $200,000 bond. It’s not that we think you’re a flight risk, Donnie — though we do — it’s that we think you’re a scumbag. Thursday is gonna be one of the worst days of that fucker’s life and we are sooooo ready for it. More: CNN

Note four: HUGE congratulations to world champion Sha’Carri Richardson. You might remember Richardson as the woman who was disqualified from the Olympics after testing positive for weed. Her win represents an amazing feat of athleticism and a giant FU to the people who tried to keep her down. More: NBC

Note five: The people at the Republican National Committee are all broken inside and there ain’t enough duct tape in the world to fix them.

Note six: While Los Angeles was dealing with a hurricane and an earthquake, it also had to deal with some evil Texas human garbage after Gov. Greg Abbott sent another busload of migrants to LA. So these guys are just done with that whole Jesus thing, right? More: The Wrap

Note seven: We don’t think we’re ever gonna stop being heartbroken and furious about Lauri Carelton’s murder. We’re still waiting to hear from our national leaders. We sure fucking hope we don’t have to wait much longer. More: Independent

Note eight: WaPo has a story today about how Bret Baier is eager to move on with no Trump on the stage. You might recall that Baier wanted to un-call Arizona because it was making Trump voters mad. But sure, keep treating him like a fucking journalist. NO LINK

Note nine: You’re gonna want to watch this video of 98-year-old Joan Meyer giving some thug cops what-for after they raided her home as part of that fascist bullshit attack on a Kansas newspaper. More: KMBC

Note 10: Tennessee Republicans are back on their bullshit this week. It’s like these guys call special sessions just to be dicks.

Note 11: We take it back. Dicks isn’t a strong enough word. These assholes shut out the people from their house and had fucking Proud Boys confronting the parents of school shooting survivors. It sure seems like the GOP is the party of mass shootings, doesn’t it? And Tennessee Republicans are obviously just done with American democracy. More: Independent

Note 12: So if we want Virginia to stay a pro-choice state, then we better get to work. More: Daily Kos

Note 13: If you’re not familiar with the Lt. Gov. of North Carolina, then you are very very lucky. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Ted Cruz ain’t too good at the internet. Or at being human. We hear he’s a great husband and father though lol. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Thank to President Biden and First Lady Jill Biden for letting the people of Hawaii know our hearts are with them and our support is too!

Note 16: Dark Brandon also rolled out a new student loan plan. He’s not getting enough credit for this shit. SCOTUS fucked with him and he went back to work to find another way to provide relief for people. More: Politico

Note 17: How many mainstream reporters do we think will cry when their mango meal ticket gets booked Thursday?

Note 18: Georgia Republicans are trying to get rid of Fani Willis. Because nothing says your guy is innocent like firing the prosecutor who’s trying him. Let’s hope like hell this fails. And let’s also remember media hero Brian Kemp signed the law that makes this shit possible. More: AJC

Note 19: Don Jr. is going to tomorrow night’s debate instead of his father. It’s sorta like when you think a fart is coming, but it’s poop instead. Hang in there, Milwaukee. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that gross note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all dig the Ass Shake idea. And even if you’re not, we’re gonna be something some serious booty-shaking come this Thursday. Don’t it feel good?! Love y’all!

Um this seems bad

Deranged racist fuckhead loser billionaire Elon Musk is pretty clearly working for Putin and getting Ukrainians killed as a result. We were late to this yesterday, but Ronan Farrow has a deep dive on the billionaire butthead over at the New Yorker and it is definitely worth the read. Basically we have a giant national security threat running our space program and the largest media platform in the world. What could go wrong?

More: New Yorker

So fucking sweet

We had no idea we were going to enjoy it so much when Trump’s shit-for-brains flunkies started surrendering. But today we’re getting our first action, and goddamn it’s fun to watch. The first this morning was Atlanta bondsman Scott Hall, who tried to end American democracy because he’s in love with an orange gameshow host. The second surrender — and in our book the more fun one — was Trump attorney John Eastman. Eastman had to post $100,000 bond. The good news for him is this has effectively delayed his California disbarment proceedings for a couple of days. Enjoy jail, assholes!

More: Guardian

Get ready

When Congress finally comes back in September after taking a two-month vacation, they have very little time to pass the bills necessary to fund the government. And since the dipshits in the House hate the government and love Trump, they’re already threatening to shut everything down if the investigations into Trump aren’t stopped. What a totally normal fucking political party. On the one hand we’re pissed that these pricks keep messing with the American economy. On the other hand we’re glad Americans get to see what a sad, pathetic and destructive cult this is. To quote Spaceballs, “keep firing, assholes!”

More: Politico

Today’s clips

The rate of children’s deaths by firearms increased by more than 40% from 2018 to 2021, according to a study published Monday in the journal Pediatrics. More: HuffPost

House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries (N.Y.), a staunch ally of the American Israel Public Affairs Committee, or AIPAC, affirmed his support for the reelection bids of progressive Democratic Reps. Ilhan Omar (Minn.) and Jamaal Bowman (N.Y.), whom AIPAC is hoping to oust. More: HuffPost