8.21.23 Hawaiian Brandon

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words like fuck yeah Trump is getting arrested this week.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you and how was your weekend? That good, huh? Us? Well, we spent the weekend on our knees praying that an orange gameshow host will deliver us truth and smite our neighbors. What? That sounds weird, pathetic, fucked up and abnormal? Well you got us there…

Um… THAT AIN’T FUCKING NORMAL Y’ALL! What the hell happened to these people? Did they grow up with parents who kissed the asses of local drunken party clowns? Is that where they learned it? Well we’ve had enough of this shit. That’s why we’re announcing the TBS School for Deprogramming Trump Cultists and Other Dumbfucks. Here is a little preview of our classroom work…

TBS Instructor: Do you think Trump is god?

Trumper: No. Trump is gonna kick god’s ass for going woke.

TBS Instructor: Do you know why your response sounded so muffled to everyone else?

Trumper: Because you’re a commie?

TBS Instructor: No, it’s because you have your whole head inside the ass of a moron.

Trumper: No I don’t! You do!

TBS Instructor: Ok it’s extraction time. We’re gonna get on both sides of you and push down on your shoulders until… PLOP!

Trumper: What happened?! I can see! And suddenly everything doesn’t smell like shit anymore!

TBS Instructor: You’re welcome, dumbfuck. Now please take your penis out of that electrical socket.

What do y’all think? Not gonna work is it? Oh well. We tried. Now let’s beat these assheads at the polls. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re sending love to our friends in Southern California after they had a bit of an apocalyptic Sunday as their first tropical storm in a century was joined by an earthquake. Y’all stay safe! More: AP

Note three: Ron DeSantis called Trump voters deplorables — the DeSantis translation is “listless vessels” — and he spent all weekend trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube. We haven’t had this much fun watching a candidate implode since Rand Paul crapped his pants on an Iowa roadside. More: Politico

Note four: A Jan. 6er is on the run! Christopher Worrell is now wanted by the FBI after fleeing before he could be sentenced. If you see him, alert the authorities and then make fun of him for being a loser who threw his life away so he could be a hall of fame kiss-ass. More: CNN

Note five: We’ve seen Dark Brandon do some impressive shit, but we had no idea the man could stop wind and rain with his bare hands. We’re starting to think these Fox people are fucking idiots.

Note six: How disgusting and racist is Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Well she’s getting called out by the Little Rock Nine. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Are y’all watching Winning Time on HBO or whatever the hell it’s called now? So freaking good! If you like basketball or great casting or you liked Succession, we highly recommend. More: The Wrap

Note eight: LOL. It looks like Mark Meadows sold Trump out. But we kinda knew that, didn’t we? More: ABC

Note nine: Tommy Tuberville says there are too many 4-star generals. Tommy Tuberville is fucking stupid. Can you imagine the press coverage if a Democrat was messing with the military like this? More: AL

Note 10: What a totally normal and not at all batshit crazy political party.

Note 11: Congratulations to Spain on winning the Women’s World Cup this weekend. It really sucks they had to deal with so much sexist bullshit after they won. More: USA Today

Note 12: So we don’t actually give too much of a crap about this but the politics world this morning is talking about the new Iowa poll that shows Trump leading DeSantis 42 percent to 19 percent. Pundits continue to be shocked that a cult is acting like a cult. We pretty much know who we’re running against, and we’ve beat his orange ass before. More: Des Moines Register

Note 13: The human garbage who founded Project Veritas is now under investigation. It sure is hard to believe that the criminal who has a woman pretend to be a rape victim in an effort to clear Roy Moore’s name would be such a piece of shit. Good luck, James! Not! More: AP

Note 14: Yeah, we’re bringing Not back. Not!

Note 15: Dark Brandon is going on offense in the presidential campaign, launching a $25 million ad campaign to counter the insane bullshit-a-thon going on in Republican Land. Here’s the first ad…

Note 16: Oh damn! A Dolly Parton cover of Let It Be with Paul and Ringo?! Yes please! More: Guardian

Note 17: The NYT reported this weekend that US Attorney David Weiss blew up the plea deal with Hunter Biden because he just changed his mind. So let us get this straight — Hunter had a plea deal until Fox News and Trump got angry and then Weiss changed his mind and THEN Merrick Garland made him special counsel?! We always knew Biden would regret making a total chickenshit AG, but we had no idea it would blow up in his face like this. More: NY Times (Paywall)

Note 18: How bad are things going for Ron DeSantis? He’s getting disinvited from weddings. Goddamn that’s funny. Also, how fucking old are we that Brooklyn Beckham is getting married? Didn’t the Spice Girls break up like a month ago? More: HuffPost

Note 19: Y’all know we like to end on a good note, so today we’ll just say that Donald Trump is getting arrested this week. He has until Friday to turn his sorry ass in. LOLOL. More: Guardian

Note 20: And on that hilarious and uplifting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. Buckle up for the week ahead and we’ll see your hot asses back here tomorrow. Love y’all!

Coward

Big mouth chickenshit pissy pants Donald Trump announced over the weekend he will not be doing any Republican debates. It seems that Trump agrees with us that he has the Republican nomination locked up, so he’s not going to risk it. The funny thing is this makes us more likely to watch the debates. After all, we’re sure as fuck not gonna tune into Elon Musk’s website to watch Tucker Carlson kiss orange ass.

More: CNN

Goddamnit

We want to take a second to call out the pundits and reporters who were happy to help the extreme right push a new anti-gay panic in the name of “just asking questions.” Sometimes that bullshit has deadly consequences. This weekend, California small businesswoman Lauri Carleton was shot and killed by a man who didn’t like that she had a pride flag hanging outside of her store. The bigoted murderer was later killed by police. Goddamnit this country is going backwards so far it makes us want to vomit tears. This shit hurts. Hopefully our leaders are going to make sure everyone in this country hears about Lauri.

More: NPR

Hawaiian Brandon

Joe and Jill Biden are on their way to Hawaii today to meet with survivors, local leaders and first responders. There has been a lot of criticism about the way Biden has responded to the tragic deadly Maui fires, but we haven’t heard much of it coming from Hawaii. Still, we’re always glad to see the comforter-in-chief showing up where he is needed to let hurting Americans know they are not alone. Aloha, Mr. President.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Candidates are eager to run in competitive House seats in New York next year. There’s just one problem: They have no clear sense of where to campaign. More: Politico

Former Vice President Mike Pence dodged when asked if he would apply the “same standard” to Donald Trump that he used when he voted to expel a Democrat from Congress two decades ago. More: HuffPost

Become a supporter of this newsletter over on our Patreon and get exclusive access to our weekly podcast, This Week’s Big Stuff, every Friday!