8.18.23 Orange Chicken

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it stubbed its toe. Or like a bunch of assholes are trying to wreck our democracy.

Note: We did it, SPs! We made it to the weekend, baby! It was yet another week when Republicans were cruel, confused and totally full of shit. None more so that the top shithead…

LOLOL!!!! Can we just focus on this for a second? That “both sides” are upset about orange dingus getting indicted? WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT? Does this dumbass think he’s talking out of his ass about Charlottesville again? Well we wanted to make sure we weren’t way off base here, so we decided to reach out to both sides and see what they said. Here’s how that went…

TBS: Hello and thank you for joining us today.

Dumb side: Fuck you, commie losers. QAnon horse medicine woke Trump Trump Trump!

Cool side: Hey guys! Big fans!

TBS: So is it true that you’re upset that Trump has been indicted after committing a shitload of crimes?

Dumb side: We wish we could bottle his pee and drink it. He is a god and you will all pay.

Cool side: Upset? Um no. We’re happy as hell about it and only bummed it took so long.

TBS: So Trump is lying?

Dumb side: He never lies! That’s why he built the wall and sold us this lock of his hair for $75!

Cool side: Of course he lied. He lies all the time. Um are they really gonna drink his pee?

TBS: Ok well that really clears things up. Thanks again for joining us. And nobody should be drinking pee. Especially from that dude.

Well there you have it. It turns out Trump is full of shit. Again. LOL. Always good to head into the weekend on a classy note. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you liked that outraged silliness, you’re gonna love our podcast — This Week’s Big Stuff. A new episode is now available. We really hope y’all are enjoying this little cussing pod because we sure enjoy making it.

Note three: The Washington Post has a really long story today about how Joe Biden is a good dad to his only surviving son. They didn’t frame it like that, but that was our takeaway. Should we reward those soulless monsters with a link to their crap? We think not. NO LINK

Note four: If you live on the West Coast, get ready for Hurricane Hillary. And no, the storm hasn’t been indicted for anything either. More: CNN

Note five: Republicans won’t even defend what Tommy Tuberville is doing to our military because he wants to force his abortion beliefs on the Pentagon. But Kyrsten Sinema will! Just the fucking worst.

Note six: We knew Republicans were some sick fucks, but now a very desperate James Comer is demanding Joe Biden’s emails from when he planned Beau Biden’s memorial service. Someone wanna see about getting Comer a fucking soul? More: Independent

Note seven: We’ll be honest — we don’t give a fuck what Bill Barr says about anything. That guy helped Trump get away with so much shit, never faced a second of accountability for it and now sits his happy ass on CNN sets with not a care in the world. And you can bet your ass he’ll be voting for Trump next year. More: MSNBC

Note eight: Trump has proposed a trial date for his attempted coup — April 2026. LOLOL! He’s so eager to prove his innocence, right? We’re shocked he didn’t ask for it eleventy kajillion years from now. More: NBC

Note nine: Sarah Huckabee Sanders doesn’t want AP African American history in Arkansas schools. Arkansas schools said too bad. Also, fuck Sarah Huckabee Sanders. More: ARK Times

Note 10: The New York Times exists to troll us. What the hell happened to this newspaper?!

Note 11: God bless the Huffington Post for trying to track down which “big orange” picture of Trump he finds so offensive. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Thank you to the Philly Inquirer’s Will Bunch for doing what other journalists won’t — namely, giving a shit. More: Inquirer

Note 13: Did you think Dark Brandon’s campaign was just gonna lay low during the GOP clown show next week? Hell no! More: USA Today

Note 14: A judge just rejected Trump’s bid to delay E. Jean Carroll’s second defamation case and dismissed his appeal as frivolous. Again. Are we the only ones losing track of just how many goddamn crimes this asshole is on trial for? More: Reuters

Note 15: It’s pretty crazy how little attention these shitheads who attacked America get from the media. They’re damn lucky their names aren’t Hunter Biden.

Note 16: That MyPillow genius had an election integrity summit or something yesterday. It went very smoothly and he seemed like a totally normal dude. Nah we’re just kidding. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Apparently Kanye’s 2024 campaign isn’t going great. Let’s back up a second. Apparently there’s a Kanye 2024 campaign. Good luck with that whole “I love Hitler” thing. More: TPM

Note 18: Congrats to Ukraine on getting some F-16 fighter jets. Seems like bad news for Putin and the Republican Party. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We’d like to close today by wishing former First Lady Rosalynn Carter a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Jimmy’s better half is turning 96 years young today. Talk about an all-time power couple. More: AP

Note 20: And on that delightful note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a lovely week and have an even lovelier weekend ahead. It was so great to be back with the SPU after some time off. Love y’all!

David who?

We’re kidding. We’re embarrassed to just now be mentioning this important news, but today and this weekend President Biden is hosting a summit at Camp David between the leaders of Japan and South Korea. With constant bullshit from North Korea and China, this is huge for the US and the kind of forward-looking foreign policy you get when our president isn’t for sell for a nickel. The two countries have a rough past, so this should be seen as a big win for Dark Brandon if he gets it across the finish line as we expect him to. Remember when Trump invited the Taliban to Camp David? We’re not even kidding. He really did that!

More: CNN

WHAT?!

Kenneth Chesebro, one of organizers of Trump’s fake electors plot, was apparently hanging out at the Capitol in restricted zones on Jan. 5 and Jan. 6 all while hanging out with Alex fucking Jones. Chesebro pled the fifth when the Jan. 6 committee asked him where he was. Credit to CNN for finding out the answer. Y’all already know what we’re gonna say. LOCK HIM UP!!!

More: CNN

Orange Chicken

Trump is running scared these days. Like really scared. Just yesterday the big orange chicken canceled his big Monday press conference where he was gonna totally win the 2020 election, and then he followed that up by suggesting he won’t be at the first Republican debate. It’s almost like he’s a giant fucking wimp with a big mouth. That said, we’re actually kinda shocked he’s listening to his advisers about anything these days, and we recall that in 2016 that was when he was most dangerous because pundits would start clapping and crying and boasting about the dipshit’s new tone. Looks to us like he needs new pants.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Law enforcement in Fulton County, Georgia, are investigating threats to members of the grand jury that returned the indictment against former President Donald Trump and 18 other associates after the grand jurors' personal information was shared online, the sheriff's office said Thursday. More: CBS

The apparent attempt by a super PAC supporting Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis to float potential debate talking points to the Republican’s presidential campaign has stirred confusion and anger from fundraisers and donors, multiple sources told CNN. More: CNN