8.16.23 Go Joe

Be advised: This newsletter uses cuss words. But it ain’t been indicted a single fucking time this year.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are y’all today? Us too. Been a great week. We don’t know what we’re enjoying more — Trump being indicted or watching the punditry circle the wagons around his orange ass. Seriously when the hell did everyone become so fucking pro-crime?!

Un-fucking-believable. Eye-roll emoji, right?! Yeah, we definitely should’ve given Trump a pass on some shit so it would be more “tidy.” What are these people smoking and where can we get some? After seeing more than enough of this bullshit yesterday, we decided it was time to set the record straight so we called up a totally made up guy called Larry the Lawyer. Here is that interview…

TBS: ‘Sup, Larry?

Larry the Lawyer: Hey guys! Big fan!

TBS: Thanks. So is Trump guilty?

LTL: Yeah he totally did that shit and he keeps admitting to all of it like some kind of fucking idiot.

TBS: Well what if he didn’t mean to do it?

LTL: That’s the stupidest shit I’ve heard today. He’s still fucking guilty.

TBS: Well what if charging him for all of his crimes makes it harder to convict him?

LTL: I take it back. THAT is the stupidest shit I’ve heard today.

TBS: So you think he’s in real trouble?

LTL: Yeah, these juries have real people on them, and they’re way smarter than the people who talk about this shit on tv.

TBS: Makes sense. Thanks for joining us, Larry!

LTL: Anytime!

So there you have it. Larry says the tangerine traitor is toast. And he’s never lied to us before. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Did y’all see how furious the right is about Hillary appearing on tv the same night Trump got indicted? It makes us want a Hillary Cable News Channel where she just reminds the nation’s scumbags every night that she ain’t been indicted.

Note three: Congratulations to England and Spain for advancing to the Women’s World Cup final. The host country Australian Matildas made a helluva run, but England is just too damn tough. More: ESPN

Note four: Did you hear the news? Trump will have to get booked at the Fulton County Jail. We’re talking mugshot, perp walk, fingerprints. Should we do a nationwide TBS watch party? Because we are way into this. More: CNN

Note five: We have no idea why this post from LeVar Burton tickled us so much. Maybe it’s that our hero from Reading Rainbow is now reading Trump indictments. Take a look, that creep’s a crook, Reading Rainbow!

Note six: Politico actually wrote a story today saying that Trump had stopped talking about the 2020 election but now he’s back on it. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?! And we had just started to ease the TBS Politico boycott. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note seven: Marjorie Taylor Greene says she might run for the Senate in Georgia if she’s not Trump’s running mate. Um, yes please. More: AJC

Note eight: RIP to a real American and Wisconsin hero — Ada Deer. More: Madison 365

Note nine: You know how those young people in Montana are trying to fight climate change and a judge said cool? Well Republicans are furious and attacking the kids. Guess they were full of shit when they said they want to save the children. More: HuffPost

Note 10: So yesterday we found out that the Kansas Bureau of Investigation will be investigating the police raid on the Marion County newspaper. Ok but who’s going to investigate the KBI?

Note 11: The director of Sound of Freedom, the QAnon hit movie of the summer, said in an interview that all that shit is hurting his movie and not what he wanted it to be about. Probably a mistake to hire a dude who thinks he’s Jesus then. Or maybe don’t wait months to speak up. More: Guardian

Note 12: One of our favorite under-the-radar stories right now is Rudy Giuliani being broke because he’s spending all his money on legal bills and Trump won’t help him. We hear he’s even having to recycle the hair dye that he shat out of his forehead. More: CNN

Note 13: North Carolina is putting No Labels on the ballot, and the Associated Press is apparently handling their PR. More: AP

Note 14: Happy one-year anniversary to the Inflation Reduction Act! It’s really kinda crazy how fast this shit is working. More: AP News

Note 15: One of our favorite things in the world is watching a racist asshole discover gravity. But we’ve never seen a rock fall as fast as Ron DeSantis. Puddin’ ain’t doing so hot.

Note 16: There were some SPs who were upset yesterday by our condemnation of that shitty song the right is loving these days. That’s fair. We know it would be crazy to expect everyone to agree with our obscene rantings every day. We’d only ask you to keep in mind the shit we went through with Hillbilly Elegy and JD Vance or what it usually means when someone is attacking their fellow American for needing government assistance.

Note 17: Herschel Walker is upset Trump was indicted in Georgia. Yeah, we totally forgot about him too. NO LINK

Note 18: The former head of the FBI’s counterintelligence unit pled guilty yesterday to conspiring to help a Russian oligarch. Sounds like a Republican to us. Why aren’t Trump and Cruz and the usual suspects screaming about this? Oh right. More: AP

Note 19: Finally today we want to circle back to human garbage like Lara Trump being so upset about Hillary being on tv the night Trump was indicted. Lara is big mad. She says nothing about this is funny. We kinda agree. It’s not funny that Trump attempted a coup against the United States. But we’re sure laughing our fucking asses off at the thought of him in jail. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that knee-slapping note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week. Also, if you get in a pinch, don’t hire Larry the Lawyer. He’s not a real lawyer. Or a real person. Love y’all!

Elon the Ass-kisser

Remember when the New York Times said Elon Musk’s politics were totally confusing and not at all easy to figure out? Well yesterday WaPo reported that Musk is personally throttling sites he doesn’t like and the company fought tooth and nail to protect Trump’s DMs while handing anyone else’s over with no problem. The judge even had to keep asking Twitter’s lawyers if Elon was just trying to protect Trump to kiss his ass. What a piece of shit. But the bottom line here is Jack Smith has Trump’s Twitter DMs and holy shit what a mess they must be.

More: Vanity Fair

Seems bad

The AP went with a story today about how Americans are divided over Trump being a criminal fuckhead. Except we’re not divided at all. Trump has a fucking 35 percent favorable rating with 62 percent unfavorable. Americans believe he threatened democracy 54 percent to 19 percent, and Americans favor indicting him 53-29. Yeah, we’re sure fucking divided. Can someone explain to us why the press is so against accountability? (h/t Eric Kleefeld)

More: AP

Go Joe

After receiving a Mahalo from the governor for his work getting aid to the state of Hawaii following last week’s catastrophic wildfires, Joe Biden is heading West to view the damage himself. It’s been sad but not surprising to see the far right try to use the tragedy to attack Biden, but from what we can tell he’s been pretty great about making sure the state has everything it needs as it deals with this nightmare. Still, showing up and showing love is the right thing to do and we’re grateful the comforter-in-chief is going.

More: Guardian

Today’s clips

A former White House lawyer under Donald Trump says an “irrefutable report” of electoral fraud the former president said he’ll release on Monday may end up being used as evidence against him. More: HuffPost

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