8.15.23 THANK YOU, FANI!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses about politics. It cusses about other stuff too but we won’t bore you with its problems.

Note: Holy shit what a beautiful morning-ish, Sexy Patriots. The sun is shining, birds are singing and the ketchup is flying. We don’t know about y’all, but there were quite a few moments over the last couple years when we were pretty much ready to throw in the towel on American justice. After all, we watched a fucking gameshow host attack the US Capitol and pretty much get away with it. In fact, this is from a recent conversation we had with the concept of Justice…

Tbs: Thanks for joining us, Justice.

Justice: Thank you, guys. Big fan

Tbs: So where the fuck you been, man?

Justice: Man, I been fucking busy. You see how many crimes that sonofabitch did? That shit takes time. I can’t just snap my fingers and do myself.

Tbs: Why isn’t Lindsey going down?

Justice: Because I’m fucked up. There’s all kinds of twisted motherfuckers out there who should be going down but aren’t. I ain’t Superman. Can’t be everywhere.

Tbs: Yeah apparently not

Justice: Don’t start with that shit.

Tbs: We’re sorry. We’re raw over Lindsey getting a pass

Justice: I get it. I’m sorry

Tbs: Fuck your sorries. He tried to throw out thousands of votes.

Justice: Yeah totally you don’t have to tell me.

Tbs: But thanks for throwing in Jenna Ellis.

Justice: lol yeah that was pretty funny.

Tbs: Ok well get back to work.

Justice: Thanks guys!

As you can see, we’re still not 100 percent cool with each other, but we’re getting a whole helluva lot closer. Thank you to Fulton County DA Fani Willis who has more guts than just about anyone we’ve ever encountered. It was always gonna take some American heroes to stop Trump, and we’re grateful to Willis for accepting that role. So how are we celebrating, SPs?! Peach cobbler? Nekkid dancing? Both? You tell us. We’re up for anything.

Note two: Feast your eyes on this sweet fucking front page…

Note three: Trump’s reaction this morning has been to promise a big press conference next week in which he will prove there actually was voter fraud in Georgia. True story — we had to check the date because we thought it was an old post. But if they’re dusting off the old hits, we hope we get to see Rudy shit out of his face again. NO LINK

Note four: Speaking of Rudy, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Enjoy the clink, fucker! More: ABC7

Note five: Savor this one, y’all. Savor it.

Note six: Want to keep laughing? Then just remember this trial will be televised. LOLOL!!! More: Independent

Note seven: In other news, Joe Manchin’s No Labels friends are being sued by a former employee for racial discrimination. What a huge shock that a guy who has problems with women of color would be in cahoots with trash like No Labels. More: Politico

Note eight: Warning — this is a story about a child being raped. And being forced to give birth to her rapist’s baby. It’s a story from America. It will make your fucking blood boil. More: Time

Note nine: Good news for student loan borrowers for now — a judge yesterday dismissed a new lawsuit from right-wingers who were trying to stop Biden from forgiving student loans for more than 800,000 people. But we all know what this piece of shit SCOTUS might do so hold onto your hats. More: The Hill

Note 10: So this started out kinda funny, but now Sen. Chris Murphy is tweeting right-wing scum Benny Johnson and telling progressives they should listen to racist bullshit. So we’ll ask again — WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH CHRIS MURPHY? We don’t normally do this, but if you want to call his office and ask why he’s turning into Joe Manchin, it might be a good idea. Just be nice to his staff. They probably thought they signed up to work for a Democrat.

Note 11: This shit in Kansas with cops raiding the newspaper and basically killing a 98-year old woman in the process has us so goddamn mad we can’t see straight. We’re sure Merrick Garland will get on it after he chases down whatever QAnon tells him to. More: CBS

Note 12: Btw there is video of the cops laughing and joking as they go through the newspaper’s shit and it is fucking chilling. More: CNN

Note 13: While we were away, the FBI shot and killed a man who threatened the president of the United States and pointed a gun at agents. It sure seems like a BIG story to us that Trump keeps inspiring acts of violence against the United States of America. But you know, Hunter Biden. More: AP

Note 14: Alabama Republicans are arguing in court that they don’t have to add two majority-Black congressional districts just because. The Supreme Court said they do. It really is stunning that this shitass court isn’t racist enough for Alabama. More: Politico

Note 15: Next time you hear Republicans talking about supporting the troops, just show them this dumb and dangerous shit…

Note 16: What a huge shock that Joe Manchin is getting donations from Fox executives. We’re kidding. That guy is a corrupt piece of shit so we’re not shocked at all. We know you knew that, but we wanted to be sure. More: Intercept

Note 17: Hooray for the Montana judge who said young people can sue over climate change. It seems only fair since we’re leaving them a world on fire. More: NPR

Note 18: We had an error yesterday about the Ohio vote. The actual vote was close to 60 percent and not 70 like we said. Sorry for the fuck-up.

Note 19: Let’s end on a hilarious note, shall we? Look at Chris Christie moving ahead of DeSantis in New Hampshire and then try not to pee yourself laughing like we definitely didn’t.

Note 20: And on that knee-slapper, let’s go do some news! We’re so fucking happy to be back with you this week, and we’re even happier that it’s an indictment week. We were so worried it was going to happen last week and we wouldn’t all be able to celebrate together. Y’all are the best and we love you. Have a great day!

Too late, Puddin’

Ron DeSantis, who is DeSucking wind in the polls as you just saw, is apparently trying to cry uncle in his fight with Disney. Yeah, Pudding Fingers is getting his ass whooped from so many directions, he seems to want Mickey Mouse to stop kicking his ass. He says he’s “moved on” and Disney should stop suing him. We’re not the biggest Bob Iger fans, but we seriously doubt he’s gonna move on. This DeSantis guy don’t seem too ready for primetime. Or really anytime.

More: Deadline

Ragin’ Ronny

Ronny Jackson, the former presidential doctor who turned out to be a drunken piece of shit Trump kiss-ass, is back in the news. And it ain’t for something good. No, Ronny was detained by cops in Texas and he took to cussing them and threatening them. But only because he backs the blue, right? In his defense, we have not seen any reports of Ronny bear-spraying or beating any cops with the American flag. Guess they save that for special occasions. Anyway, congrats to Kevin McCarthy on his army of dirtbags.

More: Texas Tribune

THANK YOU, FANI!!!

What else can we say about this, y’all? Trump lost Georgia. He couldn’t take it so he broke the law and tried to overturn the election. And now a DA is holding him to account. And it’s so fucking sweet it’s making our teeth hurt. RICO charges, baby! Our favorite part? DA Willis gave Trump and his goons until noon on Aug. 25 to turn themselves in. So are we betting on whether they make a run for it?

More: CBS

Today’s clips

With only a quarter of the Maui wildfire burn area searched, the death toll of what’s already the deadliest US wildfire in more than a century still could rise significantly, Hawaii authorities said Monday. More: CNN

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