8.1.23 Sorry, Tom

Be advised: This newsletter is obscene. Like every goddamn thing House Republicans do these days.

Note: Sexy Patriots, we’re sure you’ve seen the news that Paul Reubens aka Pee-wee Herman has died. We’re sure you can tell from our off sense of humor that we were fans. But still, we wouldn’t normally lead off the newsletter with an obituary, even for someone as hilarious and original as that dude. So why are we making an exception for Mr. Reubens?

Well because he was in the movie Pee-wee’s Big Adventure. If you haven’t seen it, this intro might not make a lot of sense to you and we’re sorry about that. But we saw it at an impressionable age and y’all know how that stuff leaves a mark on you and flavors your whole existence. And while Pee-wee left that kind of mark, we actually want to mention another role in that movie. His name was Francis. Does he remind you of anyone?

LOL! Un-fucking-canny right?! Throw a few cans of orange paint on him, sell him to Russia, rip out his soul and that’s one thousand percent Trump, right?! For the last seven years, whenever someone has brought up that Capitol-attacking assmouth, Francis was either the first or second image to pop in our heads. Every goddamn time. They’re the same fucking people! You don’t think Trump wouldn’t steal Pee-wee’s bike if he could or if that was a real thing?!

Anyway, we are damn sorry to hear about Mr. Reubens. But we are eternally grateful to him — for the laughs, for the inspiration and for conditioning us for years to be ready for a spoiled rotten whiny maladjusted asshole to be president. Rest easy. Y’all have a blessed day. More: AP

Note two: Btw, the actor who played Francis was actually on an unstoppable roll when he made that movie. Mark Holton went on to do Teen Wolf and then yell “Hey, It’s Enrico Pallazzo!” in Naked Gun. Iconic parts for 80s kids. He’s actually had quite a career beyond that. We swear this is a newsletter about politics.

Note three: You won’t be surprised to hear the big Republican witness against Joe Biden didn’t have any evidence or even accusations of wrongdoing against Joe Biden. Strike a million. Maybe Politico and Punchbowl and CNN should start calling this dumb shit out. More: HuffPost

Note four: The Jan. 6 grand jury is meeting today. We hope they have a very productive day. Maybe just work right through lunch. It’s not that we’re impatient. It’s just that a gameshow host attacked the US Capitol two-and-a-half years ago and he’s been walking around free ever since. So ya know, step it up.

Note five: This was super scary yesterday. Maybe Americans should stop rewarding the party that wants us all to live like this…

Note six: We’re trying to use all Threads posts today as we are endeavoring to do Tweetless Tuesday to send dipshit a message. We are not the most disciplined about this stuff, so please forgive us if we slip.

Note seven: We admit it — we couldn’t stay awake to watch the US Women’s Team last night. But what them hell is going on? A 0-0 tie and barely squeaking through to the next round? They have our unconditional support, but we fear they are not long for this tournament. And this coach ain’t long for his job. More: ESPN

Note eight: Trump is going broke paying legal bills. Actually he’s always been kinda broke and he’s paying his legal bills with the money his cult sends him. He’s just damn lucky he has several corrupt foreign governments willing to supplement his campaign spending. More: HuffPost

Note nine: It sure is weird how Fulton County DA Fani Willis is getting racist threats when we’ve been assured over and over again that this is not a racist country. More: HuffPost

Note 10: You might have seen that Elon Musk put a big X on top of Twitter HQ. You might have also seen that it has already come down because his dumb ass has no idea what he’s doing about anything. MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD LOOK INTO ALL HIS FUCKING GOVERNMENT CONTRACTS.

Note 11: Our good friend Bob Duff in Connecticut has an important op-ed about the cheap America-wrecking scum who call themselves No Labels. More: The Hour

Note 12: Holy shit we just realized it’s August. Where the hell did summer go?!

Note 13: O’Shae Sibley was murdered for being gay and dancing. In America. In 2023. This breaks our heart and then fills it with rage. What the fuck is happening in this country? More: NY Daily News

Note 14: CNN is reporting that John Roberts wants a unanimous agreement from the justices on new ethics rules. Unfortunately for him, he is no longer in charge as it is the Sam Alito Asshole Show. More: CNN

Note 15: We are extremely happy for the state of Wisconsin today as they are no longer ruled by a shithead conservative state Supreme Court. The rest of us should be so fucking lucky.

Note 16: According to the New York Times, Trump’s PAC got $1 million from Charles Kushner. Trump pardoned him near the end of his administration. This kinda shit used to be called scandalous, but now that apparently only applies to Hunter Biden. More: NY Times

Note 17: Want to not be surprised at all? Then read this story about how more than half of RFK Jr.’s PAC donors are goddamn Republicans. We’re starting to think the guy who kisses Trump and Tucker’s asses isn’t a great Democrat. More: Politico

Note 18: If you haven’t seen Barbie yet, we highly recommend it. You will quickly see why it drove the scary kids (more) insane. It’s that wonderful. And if anyone wants to find and send Sam that hoodie that Ken wears, just let us know. After all, Sam is Kenough.

Note 19: We thought we’d close today with some news you can really use. The good folks over at Bolts Mag have put together a good list of the 15 elections to keep an eye on in August. And remember — if you’re in Ohio, vote NO on Issue 1. More: Bolts Mag

Note 20: And on that informative note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a wonderful week, and we hope we didn’t totally lose you with that strange rant about Francis from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure. And if we did, meet us back here tomorrow and we’ll try again. Love y’all!

Sorry, Tom

Tommy Tuberville has made clear that Alabama cannot be trusted to protect and maintain military readiness. And so ‘Bama ain’t getting no space command. The White House announced yesterday that space command — which still sounds really goddamn dumb to us — is staying put in Colorado. Trump tried to move it even though the military folks said he shouldn’t. And now Biden is setting things right. Was it aimed at Tuberville? Probably not. But we’re gonna pretend it was because that guy fucking sucks.

More: AP

DEBATE MEATHEAD

Ron DeSantis loves losing the way most people love breathing. Having already gotten his ass thoroughly whooped by Mickey Mouse, gravity and every voter who has actually met him, DeSantis is now picking fights way out of his league. After Vice President Harris traveled to Florida to call out Racist Ron over his bullshit education standards, DeShithead has been attacking Harris nonstop, even while Black Republicans called him out too. Now Ron is screaming “DEBATE ME” at the Vice President and asking her to come to Florida for a public discussion of his George Wallace shit. We can only hope the VP will do what the voters are doing and tell this weirdo to go fuck himself.

More: NBC

About that poll

If you’ve been online today, you’ve probably seen some freaking out about the new NYT/Siena poll that shows Biden and Trump tied at 43. We get it. It freaks us out too. But here’s what we have to remember — this campaign ain’t started yet. Neither have Trump’s trials. Yes, it is insanely fucked up that the greatest jobs president of all time is tied with the dim-witted asshead who attacked the Capitol and played golf while more than 3,000 Americans were dying a day. Extremely fucked up in fact. But maybe this was the wake-up call we all needed. After all, polls showed a Red Wave too, and y’all know how that went. So let’s not freak out. Let’s just get to work.

More: NY Times

Today’s clips

Henrietta Lacks’ living relatives reached a settlement late Monday with the multi-billion-dollar biotechnology company they sued seeking compensation for its routine use of regenerative cells that were taken from her decades ago without her consent, according to a statement released by the family’s lawyers. More: Baltimore Banner

Donald Trump derided his Republican 2024 rivals on Monday by suggesting what they would really be competing for in the first GOP primary debate. The former president wrote on his Truth Social platform: “Let them debate so I can see who I MIGHT consider for Vice President!” More: HuffPost

Want to support this newsletter? Become a supporter over on our Patreon and get access to our weekly podcast, This Week’s Big Stuff, every Friday!