7.7.23 Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. It also sings in the shower.

Note: Good morning-ish, our fellow Sexy Patriots. Today we would like to share with you our State of the Big Stuff Address. It’s like the State of the Union but not as long and with way more cussing and poop jokes. Sexy Patriots, the State of the Big Stuff is strong. But if you ain’t growing, you’re dying. Or you’re Marco Rubio. And it’s with that in mind, we wanted to tell y’all about some new shit we’ve got going on at this here swearing newsletter.

First, you might have noticed an ad in yesterday’s edition. We’re really hoping that will be a regular thing and y’all might take a look at whatever they’re selling. We also wanted to tell y’all why we’re making the change.

We said from the beginning we wanted TBS to be free. We felt like the rise of dumbfuck fascism in America meant people desperately needed some shared anger, some excessive profanity and some laughs. We knew we sure as hell did. And we hated the idea of pricing anyone out, and so with your help (and Adam busting his ass) we’ve been able to do that for about five years now. We have zero plans to change.

But the harsh reality is we do have to find a way to pay for this thing so we can keep it going, and the fine folks at Beehiiv have been kind enough to set us up with some advertisers. You won’t see the scummy beltway sleaze like you get with Politico or Semafor or Hot Republican Buttocks Monthly. We ain’t saying yes to motherfuckers like Lockheed Martin or Exxon. Unless they just drop an obscene amount of money in our laps. We’re kidding. Mostly. But we hope you understand the move and maybe even find some shit you like from our advertisers.

Oh and we’re finally launching a companion podcast to go along with TBS. Yay! THIS WEEK’S BIG STUFF is launching next week. Here’s a sample of what we’ll be offering…

Woohoo!!! THIS WEEK’S BIG STUFF is gonna drop every Friday. It’ll be quick, obscene and hopefully funny. Just like Lauren Boebert’s high school experience. We’re gonna offer it as a subscription for three bucks a month. We feel like dicks charging y’all, but we gotta cover the costs to make it. And hopefully y’all will think it’s worth it because we’re sure excited to be offering something new.

It has been a great five years, SPs! We’ve fought the dumb and the frightening and the stankassed and we’ve won more than we’ve lost. Let’s make the next five years even better. Thank you for joining us and being sexy and patriotic. Dog bless you. And may she continue to bless the Sexy Patriot Universe. Love y’all.

Note two: So is it just us or does all this cussing hit a little different when it’s said out loud lol?

Note three: Happy 77th wedding anniversary to former President Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter! Wow.

Note four: We’re sharing our first thread! We’re also sharing the shock that this shit didn’t happen like immediately after their shit imploded in the ocean…

Note five: Three cheers for North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper for vetoing three bigot bills. Sadly we can expect Republican supermajorities to override the veto so a bunch of dicks can be assholes. More: NBC

Note six: We’ve been going back and watching the old Indiana Jones movies and they are a freaking blast. Great summer fun.

Note seven: Casey DeSantis seems really cool. You can see how she bagged a hunk like Ron. Should we lay on the sarcasm a little thicker so y’all know we’re just fucking around? More: MSNBC

Note eight: Oh yeah! Apparently federal prosecutors are really interested in a specific Oval Office meeting where Trump and Mike Flynn and the rest of the freaks plotted their coup. These investigators are gonna be shocked to find out what happened a few weeks later on Jan. 6. More: CNN

Note nine: We should all be very very very freaked out by these record-breaking heatwaves. More: CNN

Note 10: Marianne Williamson hired her third campaign manager yesterday and then six staffers quit. We’re beginning to think she isn’t going to be president. More: The Hill

Note 11: Yikes. So all Democrats in favor of not claiming this endless disaster, say Aye. The Ayes have it.

Note 12: Try to act shock that this Florida state Rep. is being accused of sexually harassing the young men who worked for him. More: WSVN

Note 13: Remember when a bunch of white wealthy Washington pundits told America that Glenn Youngkin is a moderate? Well now the Virginia Department of Health has removed website pages devoted to helping LGBTQ+ youth. The people who say they want to protect children sure seem fine with teen suicide. Fucking creeps. More: Virginia Mercury 

Note 14: We’re gonna talk about Marjorie Taylor Gremlin in a minute, but we have to give some love to Dark Brandon for roasting her yesterday. We can’t wait to see him show up in her district with a shitload of jobs. More: HuffPost

Note 15: How do we know that social media is fractured and all fucked up? This wasn’t the biggest story on the planet yesterday…

Note 16: CNN is such hot garbage these days we can’t believe we’re saying something nice about them but this was a good and important story about how Joe Biden has already forgiven a shitload of student loan debt… More: CNN

Note 17: We haven’t asked yet but which one are y’all looking forward to most — Barbie or Oppenheimer?

Note 18: Oklahoma’s state superintendent might be the dumbest Republican in the country. Yes we realize what we’re saying and we’re sticking with it. Dumbest Republican in the country. More: New Republic

Note 19: AOC has endorsed Dark Brandon for re-election. One of the many underrated aspects of Biden’s first term was the way he brought the different wings of the Democratic Party together to get a lot done. But sure let’s talk more about cocaine. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that super cool note, let’s go do some news! Can y’all believe we’re finally launching a podcast? We feel like such idiots for not doing it sooner. Oh well. We hope you like it. Have a great day!

Too extreme?!

Marjorie Taylore Greene called Lauren Boebert a “little bitch” and now Marjorie doesn’t get to hang with the rest of the shithouse rats. The House Freedom Caucus apparently voted to expel Greene and honestly even for them this is pretty fucked up. Like hanging with Nick Fuentes and all the Jewish Space lasers shit didn’t do it but hurting Bobo’s feelings does? Seems like a super smart and well grounded group of upstanding individuals.

More: NBC

LOLOL!!!

The world’s richest man is not mad at all. Totally not mad at all. That’s why he spent yesterday tweeting about how dumb twitter’s new competitor is and then had his lawyer send Zuckerberg a mean letter. And really he’s right to be worried. Threads already had 50 million users in its first two days. It’s not all that great, but it’s better than twitter and its extreme right-wing trans-hating democracy-wrecking fuckhead owner. You can find us over there @adamparkhomenko and @samyoungman3.

More: BBC

Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

Joey Jobs has done it again. Last month the US economy added 209,000 jobs and the unemployment rate stayed around 3.6 percent. Shithole news organizations like CNN are saying this means hiring has cooled off. LOL ok. We’re sure they’ll correct that when this number is revised upward next month. You know, like they always do. The bottom line is this — Bidenomics is doing the damn thing and we ain’t doing no recession. Joey has put up 13.2 million jobs in two-and-a-half years, and he’s done it while focusing on the middle class and cutting inflation in half. You can see why the press is so angry.

More: Market Watch

Today’s clips

Adults in Arizona can now obtain contraceptive medications over the counter at a pharmacy without a doctor’s prescription under a governor’s order announced Thursday. More: HuffPost

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, asked to weigh in on why he’s “not connecting” with voters during his 2024 presidential campaign, blamed the media and Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador. More: HuffPost