7.6.23 Here comes the (Q) judge

Be advised: This newsletter contains explicit lyrics. But it can’t sing for shit.

Pre-Note: If you’re a Sexy Patriot in Ohio, we need you to check your voter registration today. You’ve got until July 10 to get registered for an upcoming special election. Some really important races are coming down the road, and we know you’re gonna want to be heard.

Note: Howdy, SPs! How the effing heck are you today? We hope y’all had an awesome time celebrating America by blowing some shit up and eating too much. We know we sure did. And while we were doing that, a miracle happened — the country suddenly got smarter and less angry. Red and Blue came together as the press declared Joe Biden the greatest jobs presid… we’re just gonna stop there. We’re sorry to report everything is still dumber than dog shit…

Sigh. Yeah, so Secret Service said they found some cocaine at the White House and the press is giving it the kind of attention they should really give an insurrection, a jury finding a former president liable for sexual abuse and an entire political party selling out to Russia and the Klan. It’s just so dumb. So fucking dumb. Fortunately for us, we have a correspondent we reach out to for these hard-hitting dumbshit stories. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm TBS welcome to Cocaine…

TBS: Cocaine! How are you?

Cocaine: Thanks for having me guys. Been a while. We talking Don Jr. again?

TBS: Not this time. We wanted to ask you about you being found in the White House?

Cocaine: How is this not about Don Jr.?

TBS: Well the press is really freaking out about this and the right is blaming Hunter Biden and Trump has even gone so far as to call special counsel Jack Smith a crackhead.

Cocaine: This is some bullshit! First of all, I know some of those fuckers in the press and they need to get off their super high horse if you know what I mean. Second, y’all know Hunter is a drug addict, right? Like it’s a serious and deadly disease and not something that people should be using to score points against the president? And third, Sniffles is calling someone a crackhead? Get the fuck outta here.

TBS: Well yeah, we know that, but…

Cocaine: But what?! This is disgraceful. You know how much time I spent at Trump Hotel and nobody ever gave a fuck?! But this kid who has lost almost his whole goddamn family to tragedy is fair game? What the fuck is wrong with y’all?

TBS: We’re sorry. You’re right. It’s not really us but…

Cocaine: Get it together, guys. I’m no laughing matter. Except for the way I made Don Jr.’s wiener shrivel up and stop working. That shit is hilarious.

TBS: Yikes. Ok, um, thanks for coming by.

Well there you have it — a lecture about civility from cocaine. This might be a low point for us. Great to be back with you, SPs! Let’s finish the week strong. Don’t step in any stupid shit. Love y’all!

Note two: Btw, when the Secret Service says they’ve found cocaine, your number one question should be “does it belong to the Secret Service?”

Sponsored by

Sharpen your math, data, and CS skills

Whether you’re a professional getting an edge in your career or a lifelong learner sharpening your skills, Brilliant is the best way to level up in minutes a day.

Brilliant has thousands of quick, visual, interactive lessons that get you hands-on with cutting-edge topics—from foundational math to AI, data science, neural networks, and more.

Brilliant isn’t just a more fun way to learn—it’s also more effective. In fact, interactive learning has been shown to be 6x more effective than watching lecture videos.

Join over 10 million people around the world and start building skills in minutes a day. You can try everything Brilliant has to offer with a 30-day free trial. Plus, right now you can get an exclusive 20% off an annual premium subscription. More: Brilliant

Note three: The opening note was gonna be about the very stupid people who were shocked to recently learn that Ron DeSantis is a bigoted homophobe dick. But people that stupid have enough problems without us piling on. Poor dumb sonsofbitches. More: NBC

Note four: Did y’all sign up for that new twitter alternative Threads? If so, you can find us there @adamparkhomenko and @samyoungman3. Yes, apparently there are two other Sam Youngmans out there and it’s really freaking us out. More: HuffPost

Note five: Y’all ready to fight some backwards assholes and hold onto the Senate? More: HuffPost

Note six: It only took a fucking week but the media is slowly starting to wake up to the fact that Trump almost got President Obama killed. It’s still not getting the wall-to-wall coverage it should, but thank you to the four reporters who actually give a fuck about domestic terrorism. More: AP

Note seven: The guy who started the whole JFK Jr. is alive shit is dead. So if you’re looking for work as a deranged cult leader, there is an opening. More: Vice

Note eight: File this under LOLOL! Lin Wood, the Trump attorney who tried like hell to overturn an American presidential election, is trying to retire before he’s disbarred. So when is he going to prison? More: AP

Note nine: Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds is calling a special session to push more cruel and idiotic abortion restrictions. Y’all feel like winning back Iowa? Because this might help us do it. More: CNN

Note 10: So how did things go with the Moms for Liberty (Assholes with Casseroles is so funny we’re furious we didn’t think of it)? Sure is weird how these losers keep aligning themselves with dictators.

Note 11: The prime minister of Sweden visited President Biden yesterday as Dark Brandon pushes for the country to join NATO as yet another part of Putin’s failure. It’s a big deal, but a gross press corps asked about cocaine instead. These are not serious people. More: AP

Note 12: We were gonna tell y’all about Bill DeBlasio and Chirlane McCray getting separated but then we remembered we don’t give a rat’s ass.

Note 13: Don Jr. canceled his Australian speaking tour after the country made clear it didn’t want him there. We had no idea countries could do that. Can we? More: Reuters

Note 14: Monday was the hottest day on Earth ever recorded. And then it was hotter on Tuesday. We really need a duel-track of saving democracy and the planet at the same time. More: AP

Note 15: We’re still figuring out how and what to share here from social media, but we just had to share this awesome shit with y’all…

Note 16: Things ain’t going so great for the Proud Boys. A judge is making them pay a historically Black DC church they vandalized $1 million. Gonna have to make a lot of license plates to work that off. More: CNN

Note 17: Walt Nauta is finally getting arraigned today after putting it off for a month. Must be nice to be able to endanger national security and then get arraigned on your own schedule. More: Guardian

Note 18: While we were away, WaPo reported on a call Trump made to former Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey asking him to overturn the election results. How the fuck are we just now hearing about this? What’s the point of all these access reporters kissing ass if they miss big stuff like this? More: MSNBC

Note 19: Rapinoe! We believe with all our hearts that one of the greatest athletic performances of our lives was when Megan Rapinoe took on Donald Trump while taking on the World Cup and beat both. So it’s pretty damn cool to see her honored as a Lego. More: USA Today

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a fantastic Fourth and this week just flies by for you. The good news is Friday is already almost here! Have a great day, SPs, and we’ll see you tomorrow!

Spill the beans

Colin Allred, the Texas Democrat who haunts Ted Cruz’s nightmares, has given the Cancun Crapface another reason to sweat. Colin just released his first fundraising numbers, and he put up a whopping $6.2 million. That came in second to Adam Schiff’s $8.1 million, but it’s damn encouraging to see our candidates putting up some big numbers. We’re really gonna need them.

More: The Messenger

Here comes the (Q) judge

On the Fourth, a Trump judge decided to alert the world to his dumbfuck presence by issuing an order, based largely on QAnon bullshit and made-up Fox Newsy garbage, restricting Biden administration officials from meeting with social media companies. Yes, this is a thing that really happened. The judge is very angry that twitter restricted lies about the effectiveness of hydroxychlorine or whatever the fuck that stupid shit was. The good news is DOJ is appealing. The bad news is these idiot judges are really young and gonna be doing this idiotic dumbfuckery for a long goddamn time.

More: CNN

O-H!

Ok, Ohio, you really bummed us out by sticking us with Jumpsuit Diddlehopper (JD) Vance. But it looks like y’all aren’t fucking around when it comes to abortion rights. Yesterday abortion rights warriors in the Buckeye State delivered more than 700,000 signatures — more than twice what they needed — to get a constitutional amendment on the ballot to enshrine abortion rights. Ohio Republicans are so scared about this they are holding a special election on Aug. 8 to try and raise the threshold for passing a constitutional amendment to 60 percent. We need you to vote, Ohio.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers (D) used his line-item veto power to expand school funding in the state for the next four centuries on Wednesday, a blow to Republicans who were livid with the crafty use of executive power. More: HuffPost

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis got behind his anti-LGBTQ ad on Wednesday and labeled his criticism of former President Donald Trump as “totally fair game” following backlash around the campaign video over the past week. More: HuffPost