7.31.23 Perfect phone call

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We’ve never done studies, but we’d bet our hot asses it uses more of it on Mondays than the rest of the week.

Note: Greetings, Sexy Patriots. And thank you for meeting us here today. We have something very important to discuss. Something very…Top Fucking TBSecret. And since we know none of y’all are an idiot shit-for-brains gameshow host who thinks he gets to keep classified info, we know we can trust you.

Ladies and germs, the staff here at TBS, in conjunction with various other resistance forces, has been in the lab for the last few months. Our mission? To create the ultimate Democratic presidential candidate. He had to have great compassion, a willingness to stand for democracy and the greatest jobs record of any president ever. We knew we could build him. Make him faster. Stronger. We had the technology. And the aviators.

You once knew him as Scranton Joe. Then Mr. Vice President. You have met Dark Brandon, and you know the work of Joey Jobs. Now, we bring you the ultimate Democratic presidential campaign winning machine… Backwards Hat Joe…

Those photos alone just won Michigan and Pennsylvania. Backwards Hat Joe strikes fear in the hearts and pee in the pants of Republicans everywhere. Because BHJ has figured out the ultimate secret for what to do when the dumbest scummiest people in the world are relentlessly coming after you — Just Keep Being Fucking Awesome.

And that’s our hope for you this week, SPs. Just keep being fucking awesome. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We actually spent the weekend watching Barbenheimer. They were both incredible.

Note three: If you live in Ohio, vote NO on Issue 1. Early voting numbers are through the roof, but we have zero idea what that means in a state that just elected JD Vance. Ohio Republicans are so worried about abortion being on the ballot this November, they’re suing to get it removed. Make them pay. More: KFF

Note four: So things are going great over on twitter. Elon just reinstated Kanye the Hitler Fan and the NYT reports the billionaire butthead has been personally interfering to hurt Ukraine in its war for survival. Anyone wanna think about putting this dangerous motherfucker in check? More: NY Times (Paywall)

Note five: Well, at least he’s all about free speech…

Note six: It’s stunning to see how many people in Kentucky could lose their right to vote if we lose the election this fall. Let’s get behind Andy Beshear and make sure he wins. More: BoltsMag

Note seven: This weekend Trump called Biden “a dumb sonofabitch.” Biden responded by not looking at a fucking eclipse. More: Rolling Stone

Note eight: Trump was also posting correspondence between him and Nixon. Just in case you’re wondering where that giant pumpkin head is at these days.

Note nine: On Friday, People magazine had the exclusive that the Bidens are acknowledging their seventh grandchild. The extreme right had a field day with this, but they basically handled it the way any decent grandparents would. Goddamn Hunter is hard to defend some days. More: People

Note 10: Big congrats to Rep. Dean Phillips, who we now hate as much as Chuck Todd.

Note 11: Trump’s lawsuit against CNN was thrown out by a Trump judge over the weekend. It’s possible the judge just felt sorry for the third-place news network. More: NPR

Note 12: Last week, Joe Biden signed an executive order changing how the military handles sexual violence. We feel like the former guy would’ve gone the other way on this. More: NPR

Note 13: The US Women’s Team plays in the middle of the night tomorrow, and we’re trying to decide if we’ve got what it takes to stay up and watch.

Note 14: You know how Ron DeSantis keeps doubling down that slavery was like an awesome community college? On Friday, he and his people were even attacking Black Republicans over it. Well it turns out that most of the fuckheads coming up with the standards didn’t even want these included. More: NBC

Note 15: Speaking of DeSantis, he’s fucking toast and really he always has been. Watching the mainstream press try to make him a real candidate has been pretty goddamn revealing.

Note 16: How fucked up is that? If it’s got you confused and pissed off, just take a minute to laugh at Nikki Haley, Tim Scott and Mike Pence who are all sitting at 3 percent. LOL.

Note 17: We saw someone point out (sorry we missed who it was) that today is the last day conservatives control the state Supreme Court in Wisconsin. Thanks to all your hard work, it flips tomorrow. Woohoo! More: AP

Note 18: You know how that piece of shit Jan. 6 congressman cussed out those kids last week? Well it was somehow even worse than it originally sounded. More: NBC

Note 19: For our last note today, we are happy to share a story about how Vice President Harris is taking a lead role in going to war against Republican scumbags. If you saw her down in Florida recent giving DeSantis all kinds of hell, then you know this is the fighter we need. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had an awesome weekend, and we just know this is gonna be a great week. We do want to give you a heads up that TBS will be off all of next week for our summer break. We’re sorry to do it, but we’ve gotta get our heads right before the fall. Most importantly — just keep being fucking awesome. Love y’all!

Fuck off, Sam

No, not ours. The one that stripped basic human rights from millions of Americans. Sam Alito, who might actually be the goddamn devil, went to a friendly interviewer last week to declare himself a king. Alito, in an interview published on the WSJ’s editorial page of course, said that Congress has no constitutional right to regulate the Supreme Court. This would seem to confirm our theory that Alito has never actually read the fucking constitution. Seems like pretty bad PR for a scummy justice to declare to the world that he and his colleagues can be as corrupt as they want and nobody can do shit about it.

More: CNN

Georgia peachy

Fulton County DA Fani Willis said her office has finished its investigation into Trump’s efforts to overturn the 2020 election, and they are “ready to go.” Today marks the beginning of the window we’ve been waiting for as Willis has said she would make a charging decision before Sept. 1. There’s one other Trump Hail Mary she seems to be waiting for a ruling on, so it might still be another week or two. But it looks like indictment summer is going to live up to its name.

More: CNN

Perfect phone call

Trump is back on his Ukraine bullshit. You know, the bullshit that got him impeached. The first time. Over the weekend, Trump said Congress should refuse to provide aid to Ukraine unless Biden cooperates with their bullshit investigations. He said Republicans who refuse to go along with this scheme should be primaried. If we had to guess, we’d say this will be a big part of what Republicans do when they come back from their long vacation and before they shut down the government.

More: Washington Post

Today’s clips

Former President Donald Trump’s political action committee spent more than $40 million on legal fees in the first half of 2023 alone amid a growing maelstrom of lawsuits and indictments, The Washington Post reported this weekend. More: HuffPost

Phoenix sizzled through its 31st consecutive day of at least 110 degrees Fahrenheit (43.3 Celsius) and other parts of the country grappled Sunday with record temperatures after a week that saw significant portions of the U.S. population subject to extreme heat. More: HuffPost

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