7.26.23 Lock him up

Be advised: This newsletter cusses out politicians and the occasional parking enforcement officer who totally had it coming.

Note: Did you hear the news, Sexy Patriots? The sleaze who used to hang out at Trump hotel and spent the last few years covering up an attack on the Capitol are threatening to impeach Joe Biden. If your first question is “for what” then you are definitely not a reporter. But it is a damn good question that doesn’t seem to have an answer mostly because it’s all based on made-up bullshit.

Everything is so fucking stupid. There are people who believe they’ve spent the last several decades noseless because when they were a kid someone said “got your nose” — and even those people aren’t as goddamn gullible as this press corps. But fine. Y’all wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts. Impeach Dark Brandon. We fucking dare you.

Y’all want to have a live televised hearing about presidential corruption with Jamie Raskin on one side and Lauren Bobo on the other? Cool with us. You want to make a television show of comparing the Biden family’s corruption to the Trumps? Oh hell yeah we’ll tune in. You want to remind everyone why the asshole who keeps getting indicted also got impeached? Let’s fucking do this.

The press can play dumb (we’re like 78 percent sure they’re playing), but the American people see through this garbage. And they’re sick of extremist scum hijacking this country to do the bidding of a dimwitted orange game show host. So go ahead, Kevin, make our day. Go ahead and impeach Joe Biden. We’ll be sure to send you a muffin basket when we retake the House. Love y’all!

Note two: UPDATE Some of the Capitol Hill buttkissers are reporting this morning that McCarthy told his conference today that he might come to them to ask for an impeachment inquiry but not yet. Like we said — everything is so fucking stupid. More: AP

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Note three: Hunter Biden is pleading guilty this morning. Aren’t Republicans supposed to be happy about this? More: CNN

Note four: Tucker Carlson put out a video of him and Ice Cube hanging out and we need to go throw up for an hour before having a very difficult conversation with our teenage selves. Hey, Cube, fuck you. More: The Root

Note five: We’re not economists, but this seems good. Is this good?

Note six: The US Women’s National Team is back in action this evening? Y’all ready to cheer them on? Sam already painted his face. More: CBS Sports

Note seven: Tommy Tuberville lied about his dad’s military service. No, we are not surprised. More: Washington Post

Note eight: We want to send love to the James family. Yesterday we found out LeBron’s son Bronny suffered cardiac arrest. We know not everyone is a LeBron fan, but surely we can all root for Bronny to have a fast and full recovery. More: Yahoo Sports

Note nine: Leonard Leo, the asshole who helped corrupt our SCOTUS, is telling Senate Democrats he doesn’t have to cooperate with them because of separation of powers. Does this dirty motherfucker think he’s on the court just because he bought half of it? More: CNN

Note 10: We are not salivating at any of this because we are not psychopaths. Can we say the same for reporters who kiss Kevin McCarthy’s ass and say soulless shit like this?

Note 11: But when it comes to a government shutdown, see Note 1. We fucking dare them.

Note 12: The Secret Service is accusing the Bidens’ dog Commander of biting them. We’re gonna talk more about this tomorrow, but we trust the dog more than the Secret Service and it’s not particularly close. More: CNN

Note 13: PEPFAR, which helped stem the AIDS pandemic in Africa. It’s one of the greatest things the US has ever done and it’s the only good thing George W. Bush has ever done. And Republicans are trying to kill it because of their religious right nutjob base. More: Christianity Today

Note 14: We don’t keep up with the Bundy family out West. We just always assume they’re being anti-American assheads. Looks like we’re right. More: KTVB

Note 15: Remember when we were told this had nothing to do with race and we were all just making it up?

Note 16: We don’t know much about Vivek Ramaswamy. But we know he’s a goddamn liar. More: Washington Examiner 

Note 17: Trump is being extra Trumpy on Truth Social this morning, so we’re getting super giddy about another indictment. And despite his all-caps posts, we still think he’s guilty.

Note 18: Abortion will be on the ballot in Ohio this November. The only question is whether it will take a majority to pass it or whether it will take 60 percent of voters. Vote NO on Issue 1 on Aug. 8. More: Cincinnati

Note 19: Have y’all noticed how the beltway and campaign media really don’t want to talk about a judge saying Trump is a rapist? Well thank you to Rep. Ted Lieu for making sure it was entered into the Congressional record. More: C-SPAN

Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news. We hope y’all are having a wonderful week and not getting too bogged down in all the dumb shit we’re seeing every goddamn day. Stay cool out there, SPs, and we’ll see you back here tomorrow. Love y’all!

Seems good?

Like we keep saying — we’re not economists. But it sure seems like a good thing to us that consumer confidence is at its highest level since 2021. Maybe this is why the GOP and the Cap Hill press are suddenly talking about impeachment so much? Or is that to distract from the Trump indictments? Regardless, Bidenomics is real and it’s spectacular.

More: CNN

Nazi Ron

Ron DeSantis is having a bad week. Yesterday he was in a car wreck and had to fire one of the nazis on his campaign, and then he had to keep being Ron DeSantis. Yeah, as Racist Ronny sucks wind with his flailing and failing presidential campaign, he announced yesterday he is making huge staff cuts so he and his wife can continue to travel in luxury and not with the scummy regular people. It just so happens that when Ron cuts staff, that includes a nazi. In this case it’s a nazi who loves Nick Fuentes and has written for the National Review and the New York Times. Great work, everybody!

More: NBC, NBC

Lock him up

And throw away the fucking key. While we were all sleeping last night, face-shitting cousin-fucking four-seasons-loving crapsoul Rudy Giuliani admitted in a court filing that he lied about Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, the two Georgia election workers who are suing Rudy for defamation after he and other Republicans made their lives hell for simply doing their jobs. While this looks like a big win, the legal community is suggesting this is Rudy just trying to save his own sorry ass from sanctions. But we don’t care. We said he’s a fucking liar, and now he’s admitted it in court.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

An important system of ocean currents that circulates water around the planet could significantly slow down or even stop completely in just a few decades, according to a shocking new study released Tuesday. More: HuffPost

The White House condemned Fox News on Tuesday over remarks made by one of its top hosts about the holocaust, denouncing the comments as a “horrid, dangerous, and extreme lie” that “insults the memory of the millions of people who suffered from the evils” committed by Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime. More: CNN

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