7.25.23 Hannity’s guy

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s also trying to bring back the “up yours” sign people used to do with their arms.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’re on indictment watch again. No, not for us, sillies. For Trump of course. And gosh isn’t it totally fucking normal to be waiting for yet another indictment of a former president? We really thought about losing our shit this morning and going berserk over the mainstream’s media endless coddling of this one-man crime wave, but we thought you might like this more.

It’s been a while so we dusted off the TBS Fucking Time Machine and we went into the future. It was there we conducted this interview with Jerry Bangenhoffer, Donald Trump’s cellmate.

TBS: Hey, Jerry! How’s it going?

Jerry: Not great, guys. Btw, love the newsletter. Switching to holograms was smart.

TBS: Thanks, Jer. Why not great?

Jerry: I’ve got the worst fucking roommate in the whole damn joint. He keeps talking about how his toilet wine is the best toilet wine ever made, whenever he gets ketchup he just throws it at the walls and when they told him he had to leave this cell and move to another one, he started a riot.

TBS: Yeah that sounds like him. So you don’t think he’s being rehabilitated?

Jerry: I doubt he even knows what that word means. Seriously. Dumb sonofabitch keeps talking about invisible airplanes and how he’s in love with a North Korean dictator.

TBS: So is there anything else we should know?

Jerry: He cries himself to sleep most nights, his wife left him the second he was found guilty and he has yet to receive a single piece of mail from one of his kids.

TBS: Excellent. Take it easy, Jer.

We don’t know about y’all, but that little vignette from the future gave us the warm and fuzzies. Sucks for Jerry though. Y’all have a great day.

Note two: If you live in Ohio, vote NO on Issue 1. And while you’re at it, prank call the living hell out of JD Vance’s office.

Note three: If you live in Georgia, please click on this link and make sure your voter registration isn’t canceled in the latest purge. More: AJC

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Note four: In Texas, a professor was suspended for criticizing the Lt. Gov. So much for academic freedom or the idea that Texas is part of America. More: Texas Tribune

Note five: We’re biting our lip to keep from laughing at this mostly because we don’t want the karma, but Ron DeSantis was in a car accident this morning in Tennessee. He’s fine. Or he’s whatever he was before it happened. Are we dicks for wanting to laugh at this? Maybe. But we never said slavery was beneficial for slaves either so fuck him. More: CNN

Note six: Speaking of which, they’re really fucking doing this…

Note seven: Joe Manchin has an oped in USAToday attacking “extremist” Republicans and Democrats. Fuck Joe Manchin. NO LINK

Note eight: Last night on Fox Kevin McCarthy suggested they’re going to impeach Biden so they can find out if there’s evidence of impeachable crimes. It’s important to remember that what’s happening here is Republicans are finally executing the Trump-Giuiliani plan that got Trump impeached. It’s based on total bullshit, and the press just doesn’t really care. More: NBC

Note nine: Congratulations to Shuwanza Goff, President Biden’s new director of legislative affairs and the first Black woman to hold that position. Although to us a job that forces someone to spend time with members of Congress feels like punishment. More: AP

Note 10: Anybody else sick and tired of being threatened by these weird butt-kissing freaks? Maybe all these sick fuckers are in bad moods because their t-shirts are too tight.

Note 11: We don’t know about y’all, but we freaking love the Rock. Yeah, Dwayne Johnson. Dude just seems like a great guy. And this only adds to that theory… More: HuffPost

Note 12: Russia has been bombing the shit out of Odesa. We assume Marjorie Traitor Greene thinks that’s awesome. More: NBC

Note 13: We must say what we’re seeing in Israel is giving us America-in-the-future vibes. We’ll keep saying it — it’s a bad fucking idea to give a second term to a wannabe dictator. More: CNN

Note 14: A Republican operative and leading anti-abortion advocate in Alabama has been arrested for sexually abusing a minor. He is not a drag queen. More: Fox

Note 15: This is happening today. It’s more important than ever that we recognize and remember real history.

Note 16: So we like Sen. Chris Murphy. We really do. We’re not sure we like Emo Chris Murphy though. We get that people are lonely, but using that as an excuse for Jan. 6 is just fucking stupid. We’re not gonna link to it, but his twitter feed has been raising some eyebrows.

Note 17: Speaking of twitter, CNN wrote a brutal obituary for the blue bird. It’s funny, but we’re also wondering when we’ll read one for CNN. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Here’s a funny one — Mittens Romney wrote an oped in the WSJ telling donors how to really take on Trump. LOL. Sure, Mittens. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We still barely know who Jason Aldean is, but we sure know and love this guy…

Note 20: And on that awesome Willie note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week, and we know another indictment or two would make it even awesomer. Keep your heads up, SPs! Love y’all!

Groundhog Day

DOJ is suing Texas again. Yeah, as Greg Abbott gets more and more grotesque in his effort to hurt and deter immigrants, DOJ is calling out Abbott’s floating barriers are cruel and inhumane. And so of course Abbott doubled down and now Merrick Garland is on the case. We’re not sure how worried Abbott should be.

More: NBC

Calling bullshit

US Attorney David Weiss is ready and willing to testify to clear up the lies Republicans are telling about the Hunter Biden plea deal. A letter from DOJ to Gym Jordan makes clear that Justice and Weiss are sick of the lies and conspiracy theories and ready to testify to that effect. We’re sure Gym will get to it right after he deposes a Chinese spy or some shit.

More: HuffPost

Hannity’s guy

How much does Fox News love RFK Jr.? A shitload! Even more than some Republicans it turns out. Media Matters did an analysis of Fox’s love for the so-called Democrat and found that Fox goes cuckoo for CoCoa Puffs. Junior is getting more appearances than DeSantis and talked about more than Pence. This should all help in Democratic primaries, right?

More: Media Matters

Today’s clips

The body of a former sous-chef at the White House, who went missing while paddleboarding in the waters of Edgartown Great Pond in Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts, has been recovered Monday, according to authorities. More: HuffPost

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