7.24.23 Ohio wants to stay in America

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t teach that there were good parts to slavery because that would be fucking idiotic.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Well we can tell by the giants smiles on your sexy faces that you had a wonderful weekend. We did too. We filled up on pixie sticks and hate and spent the weekend shooting up livestock medication and setting Barbie dolls on fire. It was fucking awesome and a totally normal thing for a grown ass adult to do. Right?

What the fuck?! Jeffrey Dahmer had fewer red flags! So here’s a crazy idea — how’s about we stop listening to the endlessly idiotic shit that comes out of these freaks’ mouths? Maybe we should all just stop listening to the Weird Angry Barbie People. Like how in THE hell are the dumbest and most hysterical idiots in our country taking such a dominant place in our nation’s discourse?

There used to be a time in this country when we ignored idiots, goddamnit. When a dude came along and invented the electrical socket, you better believe there was some dumshit standing right behind him ready to put his dick in it. And everyone in the room said hey the electrical socket guy had a good idea and we should listen to him. The guy whose crotch is on fire had a bad idea and we should not listen to him. Thus electrical sockets became popular to the point of universality and sticking your dick in them did not.

So what say you, Sexy Patriots? Should we all just stop listening to the dumbfucks who flip out about a different children’s toy/movie/tv show every goddamn day? Cool. Let’s do it. And let’s hope the mainstream media joins us. Because if this shit gets any dumber, we’re gonna fuckin’ lose it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We tend to stay focused on US politics problems because we have so many, but it seems pretty bad that Bibi is killing Israel’s democracy. Maybe we shouldn’t give wannabe dictators second terms. More: CNN

Note three: Btw, we broke down and bought Barbenhemer tickets for next weekend. So don’t tell us what happens. Did y’all see either movie? More: Variety

Note four: We talk a lot of shit about Dick Durbin, but he has COVID and we’re wishing him the best because we’re not total assholes.

Note five: Twitter is called X now because its owner is a childish dipshit, but we ain’t calling it that. What a moron. It’s like saying hey you know Pepsi is way too recognizable a name so let’s just call it P. NO LINK

Note six: DeSantis had an interesting weekend. He doubled down on the benefits slaves got from 400 years of oppression and then his campaign deleted a video that had Nazi images. We don’t know about y’all, but we are definitely hearing the messages he is sending.

Note seven: Trump spent the weekend retweeting people like Ted Nugent who were posting about how Jan. 6 was a government operation. Remember who was in charge of the government at the time? The fuckhead who attacked the Capitol. NO LINK

Note eight: Mike Pence went on CNN this weekend and humiliated himself once again. The good news is we’re not gonna have to see that wimpy motherfucker on any debate stages anytime soon. More: Independent

Note nine: US Secretary of State Tony Bliken estimates Ukraine has taken back about 50 percent of its country from Russia. Fuck yeah! More: HuffPost

Note 10: Republicans are talking about expunging Trump’s impeachment, which is both dumb and something McCarthy promised Trump he would do. Here’s what Nancy Pelosi thinks about that…

Note 11: Wanna hear something hilarious? DeSantis is polling behind Haley in South Carolina and Tim Scott is breathing down his neck in Iowa. More: The Hill

Note 12: Some racist dipshit asshole named Jason Aldean spent the weekend being a MAGA hero and doubling down on the video he made at a lynching site. Fuck Jason Aldean. More: People

Note 13: Did y’all watch the US Women’s team on Friday? Great win! Competition is tough this year! They play again on Wednesday, and we’ll be getting loud as hell when they do. More: NBC

Note 14: This doesn’t really have to do with anything in the news, but Joe Manchin sucks. Sucks rocks. Sucks lemons. Sucks goat ass. Just sucks.

Note 15: We are so grateful to have a president who does stuff like this instead of one who wouldn’t.

Note 16: We hate Axios. Like we really hate Axios. Mostly because it’s a Republican ass-kissing rag that even today has a story about what a great job Kevin McCarthy is doing (we’re not even making this up). But we thought y’all should see this… More: Axios

Note 17: It looks like Gloria Johnson, one of the Tennessee Three, is looking at a challenge to Marsha Blackburn. Marsha will be tough to beat in the home of the Klan, but we’d love to see her sweat. More: Politico

Note 18: Joe Biden has chosen a woman to lead the US Navy. If confirmed — and thanks to racist fuckhead Tommy Tuberville that is a big IF — Admiral Lisa Franchetti would be the first woman on the joint chiefs of staff. More: AP

Note 19: And lastly today, here are some recent poll numbers for anyone who has been really scared about next year. We’ve got a great story to tell, and people are finally starting to hear it…

Note 20: And on that reassuring note, let’s go do some news. We hope y’all had an awesome weekend that didn’t involve any right-wing extremists and children’s toys. Let’s make this a kick-ass week, shall we? Love y’all!

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Joey Jobs

Bidenomics is a real thing! So says Morgan Stanley, which credited the president’s economic policies with much stronger GDP growth than expected. The chief economist over there said Biden’s policies are “driving a boom in large-scale infrastructure” and credited him for all the new manufacturing construction. “As a result of these unexpected swells, Morgan Stanley now projects 1.9 percent GDP growth for the first half of this year. That’s nearly four times higher than the bank’s previous forecast of 0.5 percent.” Seems pretty fucking good to us!

More: CNBC

Ohio wants to stay in America

Ahead of Ohio’s Aug. 8 special election to raise the threshold for passing a constitutional amendment in the state, a new poll shows why Republicans are so eager to shut everyone up. The USAToday-Suffolk poll shows support for an abortion rights measure at 58 percent to 32 percent. Guess that’s why the state’s Republicans want to make 60 percent the new threshold for constitutional amendments. Fuckers. Vote NO on Issue 1!

More: USA Today

Alabama

‘Nuff said, right? The Supreme Court that just wrecked affirmative action isn’t racist enough for Alabama, so they just told the court to go fuck itself. You might recall how SCOTUS shocked everyone this term by requiring the state to draw new congressional maps with two majority Black districts. Well Alabama Republicans went back to the legislature and passed new maps and they did not contain any majority Black districts. This is what a constitutional crisis looks like, and a mostly white press corps really doesn’t seem to give a shit.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Special counsel Jack Smith has reached out to Republican Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp as he continues his wide-ranging probe into efforts to overturn the 2020 presidential election, according to multiple news reports. More: HuffPost