7.18.23 Republicans are coming for your medical records

Be advised: This newsletter uses cuss words. But at least it ain’t sponsored by those fucking ghouls at Exxon.

Note: Ladies and germs of the Sexy Patriot Universe, we know y’all are joining us in sending love to the striking writers and actors of La-La Land. And to show our solidarity while they fight for what’s right, we thought we would go ahead and give the studio execs a little taste of what television pitches might look like without the writers. We give you, Asshead Patrol…

(Serious theme music) They were born with asses for brains. The doctors said they wouldn’t live to see 10. Now they’re detectives. Who act like they’re 10. They are… The Butthead Patrol.

Got a made up crime and your only witnesses are a Chinese spy and a gameshow host who attacked the US Capitol? Call Detective Dumbnuts and the Turd. Together, they are the Butthead Patrol. LOLOL.

Are we alone or at some point did everyone start tuning these hilariously incompetent dipshits out altogether? Christ they look they’re gonna go arrest Zuckerberg with Herschel Walker’s fake fucking badge. You can soooo picture Comer leaning his head out of the window of Jordan’s Datsun and making the police siren noise with his mouth. Y’all have a blessed day. We’re gonna take another second to laugh at these two.

Note two: The women of Iowa were given a bit of a reprieve yesterday after a judge put a hold on the state’s new six-week abortion ban. We’re sure these sick fucks will still find a way to push it through, but every day women are free is a good day. More: ABC

Note three: CNN is interviewing Ron DeSantis today as part of his comeback effort. So don’t forget to tune it to basically anything else. Or maybe go for a walk.

Note four: If you want to read about some truly sick psycho shit, then check out this story about how Texas Gov. Greg Abbott’s border troopers have orders to PUSH CHILDREN INTO THE FUCKING RIO GRANDE. So is this just America now? We’re the goddamn John Wayne Gacy of countries. More: Houston Chronicle

Note five: We are so dang eager to talk about the mail Trump got this weekend from Jack Smith it’s killing us to wait for the news section. In the meantime, here’s a story about the gameshow host stealing Israeli antiquities. More: Haaretz

Note six: We don’t know about y’all, but we’re pretty much done taking lessons on civility from these shitheads. Don’t worry. The press absolutely won’t ask McCarthy about this.

Note seven: No Labels is a con. Joe Manchin is a con artist. They are going to fuck this country, and they really don’t seem to care. And neither does the press. Today’s WaPo has a story about how Joe Manchin is a bipartisan centrist gadfly. We will not be linking to it. More: CNN

Note eight: It is seriously horrifying how obviously corrupt No Labels is. They won’t release their donors, they don’t have any primaries and they keep lying about Democrats. We’ve thought of a few labels for them. More: NBC

Note nine: Ugh. Rudy Giluiani told CNN he did not receive a target letter from Jack Smith. That better mean Rudy flipped. Or was deemed to drunk and broken to be of any use to anybody. NO LINK

Note 10: LOLOL. Georgia Republican hero Brian Kemp has been attacked by Trump nonstop since the 2020 election. So who is Kemp supporting for president next year? You guessed it. Jesus, dude, get some fucking self-respect. More: CNN

Note 11: It took a lot fucking longer than it should have, but some Kennedys are finally calling out the family asshole.

Note 12: Kevin McCarthy is apparently on board with impeaching Merrick Garland. We’re kinda fine with this really. We don’t have any love for Merrick, and we want the American people to continue to see how batshit crazy House Republicans are. So go ahead, Kev. Make our day. More: The Hill

Note 13: Thank you to the House Democrats, led by Ritchie Torres, who are moving to censure George Santos. These Democrats wisely know that the media has gotten bored with the cheap conman. More: NBC

Note 14: We really haven’t talked enough about the miracle Gov. Josh Shapiro and union workers pulled off in Philly. It took them 12 days to repair a critical stretch of interstate when everyone thought it would take years. Good to see Shapiro taking a victory lap. More: Washington Post (Paywall)

Note 15: We love us some Charles Barkley…

Note 16: Good news, everybody! Megyn Kelly and Donald Trump have buried the hatchet. Yeah, we forgot who she is too. More: Independent

Note 17: If you live in Ohio, remember to vote NO on Issue 1. We’re hearing that early voting has been strong, but who knows what the hell that means.

Note 18: Vivek Ramaswamy said if he becomes president he would look at people like Ted Cruz or Mike Lee as SCOTUS justices. Well that settles it. Now we’re never gonna google to find out who the fuck this guy is. More: CNN

Note 19: The chief economist at Goldman Sachs has drastically reduced the odds of the US economy facing a recession in the next 12 months to 20 percent. Thanks, Dark Brandon. Sure seems like a big story to us that a president was able to head off a recession coming out of a once-in-a-century pandemic. More: CNBC

Note 20: And on that happy note, let’s go do some news and then let’s go do anything other than watch DeSantis on CNN. Sorry if you wanted ketchup with your lunch today as it is currently coating the walls at Mar-a-Lago. Y’all have a great day, and we’ll see you back here tomorrow.

Georgia on our minds

We got some good news in Georgia yesterday as the state Supreme Court unanimously denied Trump’s efforts to have DA Fani Willis removed from the case and the grand jury report quashed. This should have been a no-brainer, but we were worried all the same. We have to admit we’re shocked Republicans haven’t found a way to derail this thing yet, but ain’t complaining. Git his ass, Fani.

More: NBC

What the effing fuck?!

You might have seen this horrifying story on Maddow last night. There are currently 19 Republican AGs who are trying to secure the authority to check down people’s out-of-state medical records so they can see if the residents of their state have traveled for an abortion. We don’t have any jokes about this. Just miles and miles of anger.

More: MSNBC

WOOHOO!!!!

IT FINALLY FUCKING HAPPENED!!! Well over two years since Donald Trump launched a violent coup attempt on the US Capitol in an effort to overturn an election and illegally remain in office, the orange assbreath has been informed by Special Counsel Jack Smith that he is the target on an investigation and has four days to appear before the grand jury and tell his side of the story. High fives, everyone. It took fucking forever, but the dirtbag is finally being charged with attacking our country. We’re just gonna sit back and enjoy this today. And if he takes off in a white bronco, we’ll do a special evening addition so we can all point and laugh at his ass together.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

A Florida judge who issued a court ruling last year that critics said was unduly favorable to Donald Trump is set to preside Tuesday over the first pretrial conference in his landmark criminal case concerning the mishandling of classified documents. More: HuffPost

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