7.14.23 Dark Brandon raises some serious dough

Be advised: This newsletter uses excessive profanity. Our fucked up podcast is even worse.

Note: You made it, Sexy Patriots! The weekend is upon us! Have fun but don’t go gettin’ your hot asses arrested. Unless it’s for a good or funny reason. We’re ready for a couple of days off, and we thought we might go check out a summer blockbuster. Y’all know we love movies as much as we love being sexy and patriotic. We will not be going to see this fucked up dude’s fucked up shit…

Yikes. Yeah, Mel Gibson’s Scary Jesus is starring in a QAnon movie, and the really frightening part is it’s doing quite well. So you know, goodbye, America. But the part we can’t get past is this idea that God, whom these whacked out dudes believe to be the creator of the universe, picked a gameshow host with bad hair and multiple wives to lead the world. And now that we’ve written out, we have to hand it to ol’ Crazy Christ Actor Guy. This actually does sound like something that would be in the Bible. We wanted to get to the bottom of this so here is an interview with God…

TBS: Hi God!

God: Hey boys. Big fan of the newsletter.

TBS: Thank you, ma’am. So did you really pick Trump to rule the world?

God: What are you fucking high?

TBS: That’s what we thought. Thanks God!

And there you have it. It turns out Trump was not chosen by God. We suspected as much all along. Y’all have an awesome weekend.

Note two: And what could make a weekend more awesome than our new podcast? Winning the lottery? Well yeah. But our new podcast is cool too! A new episode of This Week’s Big Stuff is now available for subscribers. We hope y’all like it, but we’ll just tell you right now it’s not as good as winning the lottery. But it’s close. More: Patreon

Note three: We’re gonna talk about this more in the news section, but did y’all hear that sonofabitch say “colored people?”

Note four: Is there anything more disappointing or infuriating than seeing Cornel West on CNN blaming America for Russia attacking Ukraine? We can’t find a link and we’re ok with that.

Note five: Thank you to Rep. Jared Moskowitz for doing what the press won’t and making a big deal of out of Republicans using a goddamn Chinese spy to smear the Bidens.

Note six: Elon Musk started paying twitter users yesterday, and you won’t be shocked to hear he started with the right-wing scum. He even wrote a check to Andrew Tate, who has been charged with human trafficking and rape. You can see why we’re using Threads these days. More: Washington Post

Note seven: We feel like this might be old news, but we don’t think we’ve shared it. Matt Gaetz, who was not charged for child rape, is apparently still being investigated by the House Ethics Committee. We’re sure they’ll get to the bottom of things. More: CNN

Note eight: No Labels is going full speed ahead with their plan to swing the election to Trump. Is it just us or does this look like a bunch of Republican losers (Huntsman, Hogan, Lieberman) who are eager to destroy the country with their bitterness? More: New Republic

Note nine: We can’t stop laughing at all the stories about how Team DeShithead is shifting strategies. LOL. Unless you can shift that shit personality and those fascist policies, this meatball is going down. More: ABC

Note 10: Thank goodness we’re staying focused on the important shit…

Note 11: Jack Smith sent Aileen Cannon a motion yesterday saying Trump’s made-up effort to delay his trial past the election is pure bullshit. Smith did not mince words. Now we wait to see what the “judge” decides. More: CNN

Note 12: The Biden White House is lighting up Tommy Tuberville over his attacks on the US military. And really it’s disgraceful that neither the press nor the Republican Party are doing more on this. More: NBC

Note 13: Sigh. Julie Su, a superstar who Biden nominated to be Labor Sec, might go down because of Manchin and Sinema. Seems like someone should ask Manchin why he has such a problem with women in these positions? He votes against them a lot. Fucking asshole. More: The Hill

Note 14: A Trump super pac paid Melania $155,000 in 2021. They say it was for a speech. Well, we know that shit wasn’t for speech-writing. More: HuffPost

Note 15: So we know we gave Schumer shit over the alien thing, but we do agree with President Obama about these Webb telescope images. Just breathtaking…

Note 16: Some HUGE news out of New York yesterday where an appeals court ordered the state to draw a new congressional map. Y’all, this could flip up to six seats. Sure there will be an appeal, but let’s fucking go! More: CNN

Note 17: We are seriously so fucking fired up for the women’s World Cup to start next week.

Note 18: HuffPo has done what the big news organizations won’t and taken a look at how Rasmussen went off the deep end into right-wing fucknuts valley and shouldn’t be considered a real polling operation anymore. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We try to end on a happy note and what could be happier than Dark Brandon forgiving another $39 billion in student loans for another 800,000 Americans. Woohoo! Fuck SCOTUS! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that deliriously happy note, let’s go do some news and then go do this weekend! If you are going to the movies this weekend, let us know what you’re seeing. We love that shit. And if you happen to check out our new pod, let us know what you think. We just started so we’re still figuring out what it can and should be. We love you, SPs, and we’ll see you Monday.

Yikes

You won’t believe this but the assholes who covered up an attack on the Capitol are now fucking with the security of the United States. House Republicans have injected their own special brand of crazy into the defense authorization bill, a usually bipartisan affair that avoids ideological battles. But shitheads like Ronny Jackson have used the opportunity to load up the bill with some anti-abortion bullshit to the point that Democrats are refusing to vote for it. (Well most Democrats. We’re still waiting on some of the fuckers like Jared Golden to sell us out.) This is gross. And exactly the kind of crap we expect from McCarthy.

More: CNN

What did he say?!

So the Republican Party is really not trying to hide its racism anymore. And really it stopped when they nominated Trump to lead their party seven years ago. The most recent and stunning example was on the House floor last night when Rep. Eli Crane, (R-Scum), said his amendment that would banish DEI stuff from the military wouldn’t stop “colored people” from serving. Holy fucking shit. The press isn’t really talking about it today because they don’t give a shit. But we saw you, Eli. And we won’t forget.

More: HuffPost

Holy shit!!!!

So um Sleepy Joe sure woke us the fuck up this morning. Biden and VP Harris dropped their first re-election fundraising report this morning and all we can say is hot damn. The ticket raised $72 million since Biden announced he is running, and they have $77 million in cash on hand!!!! Holy shit!!!!! That’s twice what Trump raised!!! And it’s good news because we’re gonna need it. You already know Saudi Arabia will be financing the Trump campaign. Great work to Team Biden-Harris on a huge fundraising win.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Fran Drescher, the Screen Actors Guild president, lit into studio executives on Thursday as the union representing some 160,000 Hollywood performers voted to strike in response to failed negotiations. More: HuffPost

As Republican presidential hopefuls criss-cross the first-voting state in the primaries in the hopes of knocking off Donald Trump, the coup-attempting former president appears to be doing all he can to help them. More: HuffPost

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