7.13.23 FDAwesome

It’s Thursday. There are 481 days until the presidential election. HUGE news from the FDA, a strike in Hollywood and Fox gets hit with another brutal lawsuit.

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words to make fun of bad people. And sometimes just to feel alive.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We made it to Fri… oh what the fuck? Sorry but how the hell is this week still going? You know, SPs, if there’s one thing we’ve learned beyond a shadow of a doubt these last few years, it’s that James Bond is dead. Yeah, 007 is deader than disco, and the Avengers got day jobs or retired. That’s the only way to explain how there are so many dipshit super villains walking around fucking with people these days. Case in point…

Does anyone else think it’s a bad idea that one of the world’s worst and most immature people is busying himself with AI, brain chips and destroying information systems? Wasn’t this asshole supposed to go to Mars?! Hey, Elon, what are you up to oh nothing just building an army of sure-to-malfunction robots with laser eyes and machine gun penises and also did you see this sick meme about the Democrats? Does he have to build an actual fucking death ray before more people see how deranged and dangerous he is?

So yeah, if Bond ain’t dead, he needs to get to work. Because the rich assholes are getting pretty goddamn scary. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw, a Sexy Patriot emailed us to suggest we open our minds to the potential for good from brain chips. And that’s fair. We are pro-science and pro-modern medicine, and we should be open-minded about new cures and treatments. BUT NOT WHEN IT COMES TO THE EXPLODING CAR MOTHERFUCKER.

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Note three: We were gonna put this in the news section, but we decided Mike Pence isn’t important enough. Still, this is horrifying. The sick piece of shit says he’s fine forcing women to carry babies to term even if they aren’t viable. And these assholes think they’re the good guys?! More: AP

Note four: The Secret Service, a corrupt and partisan agency that has been repeatedly been busted lying its ass off, says they are unable to determine the source of the small baggie of cocaine found in the White House. Sure, Jan. We try not to be conspiracy theorists, but nothing about this smells right. More: CNN

Note five: Yesterday Ted Lieu and other House Democrats took turns exposing Gym Jordan and his friends as lying morons. No, Chris Wray is not a liberal plant who is targeting conservatives. He is a Trump appointee who has let the extreme right get away with all kinds of shit. And to suggest otherwise is, to use Wray’s words, “insane.”

Note six: There’s a new Pew study out that says Republicans turned out more than Democrats in the midterms. The New York Times crowd is using this silly shit to claim there might have actually been a Red Wave. There wasn’t. This is silly and doesn’t mention the illegal maps Republicans used. But it’s also fine with us if we all get a much-needed wake-up call. More: Pew Research

Note seven: The study also found that less than 40 percent of Americans voted in all three of the last elections. And that’s just dumb. Excuse us. We’re gonna need a minute. Might count to 10 or go for a walk around the block. More: CNN

Note eight: DOJ is doing something unusual and appealing the sentences of the Oath Keepers convicted of seditious conspiracy. They are arguing the sentences were too light. We couldn’t agree more. Plus, this is a great way to try and get the media’s attention again since they clearly don’t give a fuck about SEDITIOUS CONSPIRACY. More: CNN

Note nine: Vice President Harris is hitting the trail to shore up support and rally the troops with key Democratic groups like Moms Demand. If we’re gonna save democracy (again), we’re gonna need everyone fired up and ready to go. More: NBC

Note 10: We don’t have any words for this. Read it at your own risk…

Note 11: What border crisis? Republicans want to impeach the DHS secretary and illegal border entries are down like 70 percent. Maybe the press should point this shit out. More: CBS

Note 12: Six. Just six fucking assholes challenged 100,000 voter registrations in Georgia. Don’t ever buy the hype that the Republicans there are good guys just because they didn’t throw out thousands of legal votes. More: ProPublica

Note 13: This country has lost its ever-lovin’ goddamn mind. Remember that Wisconsin teacher who played the Dolly Parton-Miley Cyrus song about rainbows? Well she’s been fired. Because this country is really fucked up right now. More: NBC

Note 14: It looks like Chris Christie is gonna be on the stage for the first Republican debate. Yay? More: The Hill

Note 15: The surfboard-stealing otter might be our favorite story of the summer. It’s so cute. Until you realize it’s part of a larger story of nature taking the oceans back.

Note 16: There are scary tornados and floods and heat warnings everywhere. Y’all think it’s time we start really giving a shit about climate change? Yeah, us too. More: Weather

Note 17: The president’s trip abroad has been a huge success with NATO completely united behind Ukraine and expansion. The world overestimated Putin and underestimated Dark Brandon. More: ABC

​​Note 18: Sorry if you can’t get insurance in Florida, but your governor is busy showing the world his shit personality and hate for his fellow Americans. More: Tampa Bay Times

Note 19: Let’s end on a happy note. Mike Lindell, the MyPillow nutjob who spent millions to try and overturn an American election, is selling off desks and forklifts because he needs the money. He blames cancel culture. We blame him being a deranged shit-for-brains. We may never know who’s right. More: CBS

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week. One thing we wanted to ask — if you have a few minutes today, check and make sure you’re registered to vote. Never hurts, right? Love y’all!

FDAwesome

The FDA has approved the first over-the-counter birth control pill, which is great news for women in a country where Republicans are determined to force them to give birth. The first pills could be available as soon as January. But that assumes the GOP doesn’t find a judge to shut this down, and let’s be honest, they probably will. But for today, let’s celebrate progress.

Strike!

It looks like the writers are about to get some company on the picket line. Really good looking company. SAG is about to join the strike in the first walk-out since 1980. And it’s the first time both the writers and actors have been on strike at the same time since 1960 when the SAG president was a phony dipshit named Ronald Reagan (h/t Deadline Hollywood). TBS stands in solidarity with both unions.

More: USA Today

Git ‘em, Ray

Fox News is not out of the lawsuit woods just yet. The “news” network that had to pay $787 million to Dominion for repeatedly and maliciously lying about the 2020 election is now being sued by Ray Epps. Epps is the Arizona Trump trash the GOP claimed was an FBI agent who instigated the Jan. 6 attack on the US Capitol. Turns out it wasn’t Epps. It was an orange asshat down the street at the White House. Epps seems like a loser, but we hope he makes Fox feel some more pain.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Reporter Simon Ateba has received a formal warning from the White House that continued outbursts during media briefings will cost him his press pass. More: HuffPost

Planned Parenthood of the Heartland went to court Wednesday to block Iowa’s six-week ban, a product of a one-day special session marathon on Tuesday Gov. Kim Reynolds (R) had called for the sole purpose of passing abortion restrictions. More: TPM

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