7.11.23 All eyes on Georgia

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Nobody tell the whiny prudes at Axios.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, hang on to your sexy hats because we’ve got some shocking news — House Republicans are full of shit. Yeah, we know that ain’t exactly breaking, but it’s even worse than you/we thought…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! WHAT?! House Oversight was so desperate to get on Fox News they were working with an arms-dealing Chinese spy! Holy shit! Even for those idiots, this is dumb and pretty goddamn treasonous. And the worst part? This probably won’t stop any of them from continuing their assault on the Biden family. In fact, we’ve already heard about their next witness. We even got an interview with him. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Schmadimir Schmutin.

TBS: Um so you’re obviously Vladimir Putin.

Vladimir Putin: What? That’s crazy talk. I am totally an American whistleblower. My name is Schmadimir. I’m from Florida.

TBS: Whatever, dude. You’re the fucking worst. And you’re working with House Republicans?

Putin: Yes! I have much to share with Comrades Jordan and Comer about the dirty Bidens. Not comrades. Bros! Bros!

TBS: Mmmhmm. What do you have to share?

Putin: Very bad stuff. Stuff so bad you wouldn’t believe.

TBS: Uh-huh. Like what?

Putin: Like you guys aren’t even gonna believe it it’s so crazy.

TBS: Is the pee tape real?

At this point, the GOP’s new whistleblower “Schmadimir” pretended his phone was cutting out because he was going through a tunnel but he forgot to hang up and we heard him singing a made-up song called “Vladimir, you are so hot and not weak at all.” It wasn’t very good. But we’re sure you’ll hear more from him soon when he’s the star Republican witness at either a hearing or the next insurrection. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The opening note was gonna be the video of Tommy Tuberville melting into a puddle of moronic racist gibberish, but there was no way we could make it more shocking than the real thing. If you haven’t seen it, please allow us to introduce you to the dumbest motherfucker on the planet… More: HuffPost

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Note three: Cornel West is running on the Green Party Elect Trump ticket and to make sure he gets the Jill Stein traitor vote, he’s on twitter accusing NATO and “the American empire” of forcing Russia to attack Ukraine. It might be the stupidest thing we’ve ever heard, and yeah we are so fucked next year. NO LINK

Note four: President Biden is supposed to meet with President Zelensky at NATO tomorrow. The president is on a foreign trip where he’s being received warmly by countries who are very happy he’s not an orange butthole. More: CNN

Note five: And while we’re talking NATO, it looks like Sweden is in. Great job to Putin on his NATO membership drive. More: NBC

Note six: What a picture…

Note seven: It sure feels like Israel is giving us a preview of what happens if we let Trump back in the White House. Are we paying attention? More: CNN

Note eight: Today the Iowa legislature is gonna meet to take more rights from women. They’re having a special session just to impose more abortion restrictions at the behest of Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds. We do hope Gov. Reynolds will eat shit and fuck off. More: Des Moines Register

Note nine: Huge congratulations to Elon Musk. He is so hated that more than 100 million people have already signed up for Threads, but he did get an endorsement yesterday from the leader of the Taliban. Seriously. More: Business Insider

Note 10: Trump is such a charmer. He’s trying to win Nevada by calling the state “disgraceful.” We sure hope they heard him. More: HuffPost

Note 11: Yesterday we devoted one of the news section items to Megan Rapinoe’s retirement announcement and what an important voice she is. Shit like this is why…

Note 12: Trump made a filing with “Judge” Cannon last night asking to delay the trial until after the presidential election. She’s totally gonna go for this, right? More: CNN

Note 13: Oh look. What a huge shock that Mitch McConnell’s chosen candidate in Pennsylvania is a corrupt asshole with deep ties to Saudi Arabia. More: HuffPost

Note 14: File this one under WHAT THE FUCK TOOK SO LONG? Dick Durbin and Senate Democrats are finally getting their shit together enough to pass a Supreme Court code of conduct. Republicans have already said they’ll kill this bill, but it’s nice to know Dick is awake. More: NBC

Note 15: Well this is just hilarious. Except for the part where this motherfucker is a voting member of Congress.

Note 16: RFK Jr. went on Fox and said he wants to prosecute Fauci. We don’t think this asshole is gonna be the Democratic nominee. We’re not even sure he knows what planet he’s on. More: Fox8

Note 17: We totally forgot to bring this up yesterday but WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T KNOW WHAT A DQ BLIZZARD IS? We’re shocked that the fuckhead who attacked the US Capitol is so out of touch. More: Independent

Note 18: We’re sending love to the good people of Vermont and elsewhere in the Northeast. You’re not imagining it. Extreme weather events are getting worse and climate change is the reason. More: Guardian

Note 19: FLOTUS is hitting the trail! DOCTOR Jill Biden is going to Georgia, Pennsylvania and Ohio in the coming weeks to make the case for Bidenomics. And she probably won’t steal any speeches from Michelle Obama, which is cool. More: Bloomberg

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to an awesome start. Did you hear our new podcast sample? We’re dropping the first subscriber episode this Friday, and we’d love for you to join us. We hope we don’t sound needy. Love y’all!

We found some bribery

Republicans are so worried about presidents being bribed when they’re not president, right? So they must be livid that Saudi Arabia just decided to give Trump a golf tournament at one of his shithole clubs, right? This is obvious bribery, and it’s pretty fucking stunning that the GOP and Saudi Arabia merged into one entity at some point and the press just didn’t give a shit. This is a pretty major scandal we expect most reporters to ignore like when they were having drinks at Trump Hotel.

All eyes on Georgia

It’s a big day in Fulton County. A superior court judge is seating a grand jury, and that grand jury is gonna be asked to indict Donald Trump. We hope. DA Fani Willis has had us expecting some action later this summer, and this seems like a pretty important step in that process. Do we think Trump even see this or is he too busy with all his other legal troubles and fantasizing about his own daughter?

Cornhusker Taliban

In Nebraska — in the United States of America — a woman and her daughter are looking at prison time because the mom ordered an abortion pill for her daughter and they disposed of the fetus. Again, this is in America. You might find the details unseemly, but the bottom line is these women are going to prison in America for a choice they made about one of their own bodies. In America. Sonsofbitches.

Today’s clips

Former Fox News personality Tucker Carlson will host a forum with Republican presidential candidates in Des Moines, Iowa, on Friday, in what will be one of his most high-profile gigs since being pushed from the conservative network in April. More: HuffPost

Mike Lindell’s war against machines is costing him some of his own machines. The MyPillow CEO is auctioning off company equipment after major retailers such as Walmart dropped his products due to his wild election conspiracy theories. More: HuffPost

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