7.10.23 Mark your calendars

REGISTRATION NOTICE: If you live in Ohio, today is your last day to check your registration before the crucial Aug. 8 vote. And if you live in a red state, just go ahead and check your registration anyway.

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter, and we don’t want to brag but it’s the best goddamn cussing newsletter there is.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Have a great weekend? Listen to the free sample of the This Week’s Big Stuff podcast? Oh good. We’re so glad to hear it. We’re pretty excited to be launching that thing and your support means the world to us. That’s not to say we’re gonna be slacking over here at TBS. No, you can rest assured we’re gonna be working and cussing our fucking asses off just like always (with occasional mental health breaks).

As a matter of fact, today we’re busy updating an old saying. You’ve probably heard repeatedly that “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Who said it? No one seems to be sure. So we’re gonna attribute it to Johnny Proverbtree who went all around the world planting proverb seeds back in the day. We don’t know what kind of shit ol’ Johnny P was going through when he came up with this bleak but smart statement and frankly we don’t want to know. But we do have a quibble. Someone can be your enemy’s enemy without being your friend. Like doesn’t that seem a little warm and fuzzy for an enemy? C’mon, Johnny. Live in the real world, man.

Are we supposed to love Chris Christie? Or Mark Zuckerberg? Fuck no! We just hate the sonsofbitches they hate too. Hence, we hereby update the proverb to say this — the enemy of my enemy is still a pig-fucking pile of rancid horseshit even if it’s really fun watching that enemy fuck with the other enemy. We made it about barn animals so it would feel old timey like Johnny’s bars. It is proclaimed. So thanks for the laughs, Chris and Zuck, but eat shit and burn in hell. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We have to admit Threads is pretty fun. And so is watching Elon Musk just completely fall apart. If you’re on there, let us know and be sure to give us a follow. And if you missed the podcast sample last week and want to subscribe for this week’s, just hit this link here…

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Note three: “He kicked me in my balls as soon as I opened the door.” Folks, we have a new all-time great quote in American politics. This one comes courtesy of the Michigan GOP, which had yet another violent brawl at one of their meetings this weekend. Lookin’ good, Michigan GOP! More: Rolling Stone

Note four: Well damn. We already have another great quote to add to the politics Hall of Fame. How the hell did Ron DeSantis manage to go on television Sunday after hearing “Go home, Meatball!” on Saturday? That might be the most brutal and hilarious shit we’ve ever heard.

Note five: Wanna hear some absolute bullshit? After years of fighting for justice and reparations, the last living survivors of the Tulsa race massacre had their suit dismissed last week. This is the kind of shit we’re talking about when we say this is a racist country. More: NPR

Note six: To mark 500 days of war, President Zelensky visited Snake Island. You might remember the heroes from there who told the Russian warship to go fuck itself, setting the tone for the remarkable spirit and defiance of the Ukranian people. More: BBC

Note seven: HUGE news as Rep. Jamie Raskin said late last week he won’t run for the open Senate seat in Maryland. We’ll basically follow this dude to the gates of hell so whatever he wants to do, we’re in. More: AP

Note eight: LOLOL. You won’t believe this but the D.C. bar thinks Rudy Giuliani should be disbarred. How did this not happen immediately after the face-shitting Four Seasons tour? More: NBC

Note nine: The commandant of the Marine Corps has retired. Who’s replacing him? Well thanks to Sen. Tommy Tuberville, a former football coach who never served this country, the answer is nobody. More: Breaking Defense

Note 10: What did this motherfucker say?!

Note 11: Larry Nassar, the piece of shit monster who sexually abused dozens of gymnasts, was stabbed in prison. So it’s not all bad news today. More: NBC Miami

Note 12: Elon is really not taking this Threads stuff well. He’s always been a maladjusted shitweasel, but now he’s publicly challenging Zuckerberg to a “literal dick measuring contest.” Yikes. Glad he owns like all the rockets. More: Inquirer.net

Note 13: You won’t believe this but Clarence Thomas has been taking lavish gifts from rich assholes with business before the court for years. It’s almost like he’s a corrupt Republican operative. But don’t worry. We’re sure Dick Durbin is on the case. More: MSNBC

Note 14: We were so busy being horrified by this bullshit SCOTUS’s assault on America, we forgot to congratulate Justice Jackson on her first term. She sure made it clear in a short time just how badly we need her there. More: NBC

Note 15: Oh shit. Look who’s back.

Note 16: LOL. The Arizona Republican Party is broke because they spent all their money trying to prove their orange god’s bullshit was real. What a shame. More: RawStory

Note 17: The New York Times is getting rid of its sports desk. Of course. That’s the one thing they did really well. More: WSJ

Note 18: Someone named Doug Burgum, who is apparently running for president and also governor of North Dakota, said this weekend that he would vote for Trump for president again but he wouldn’t want to do business with him. Y’all, we don’t think Doug is gonna win. More: NBC

Note 19: We never thought we’d say this, but fuck Guy Fieri. Going from Flavortown to Trumpland sure looks like a stupid move to us. More: Independent

Note 19: We like to end on a good note, so here’s Arizona Gov. Katie Hobbs telling a Republican troll to eat shit.

Note 21: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had an awesome weekend. If you’ve listened to the podcast sample, shoot us a note and let us know what you think. Other than that, let’s have a great week. Love y’all!

Gee thanks, Woodward

Last week we found out that — Trump almost got Obama killed, the Earth had several of the hottest days ever on record and unemployment is at record low. So what are the vital fucking watchdogs over at Axios writing about today? Joe Biden has a temper and sometimes uses cuss words. Seriously?! Trump was found liable for sexual abuse and launched a violent attack on the US Capitol, but our esteemed press corps wants the American people to know Joe Biden is flying around the White House in cocaine-induced rages. When did all these fuckers become Newsmax?

NO FUCKING LINK

Mark your calendars

Just try to guess which date Iowa Republicans decided on for their caucuses next year. We’ll give you a hint — it’s the day they all trot out the one quote they know from MLK Jr. That’s right — they’re having their caucuses on Martin Luther King Day. Because of course they are. It’s also the day Trump’s federal defamation trial with E. Jean Carroll is supposed to start. Next year is gonna be so fucked up. Start bracing yourselves now.

More: HuffPost

Thank you!

Megan Rapinoe has announced she’s retiring after this season. For our money, Rapinoe is one of the greatest athletes, champions, activists and role models of our lifetimes. You might remember how Trump and his fans attacked her WHILE she was on foreign soil playing for the United States. You might also remember how she shut them up by scoring a shitload of goals on her way to winning yet another World Cup. Pinoe is a winner and a damn good American, and we’re grateful we got to watch her play. Let’s get another trophy and then enjoy your retirement!

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Roy Herron, a longtime Tennessee state lawmaker and former chairperson of the state Democratic Party, died Sunday from injuries sustained in a jet ski accident. He was 69. More: HuffPost

Texas state Sen. Roland Gutierrez entered the state’s US Senate race on Monday, becoming the second high-profile Democrat vying to take on Republican Sen. Ted Cruz next fall. More: CNN