6.8.23 SCOTUS SHOCKUS

It’s Thursday. There are 516 days until the presidential election. SCOTUS shocksus the crapus out of us, House Republicans ain’t too good at this stuff and Trump finds out he’s a target.

Be advised: This newsletter uses dirty words but they make us feel so clean.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you this morning? Better than Pat Robertson, right? Whoa, TBS, you’re so good looking and are you really gonna trash a dead guy? LOL. You bet your fine ass we are. Call it a Pride Month miracle. If you’ve been with us for a little while, then you know that one of TBS’s guiding principles comes from Olympia Dukakis’s character in Steel Magnolias who said, “if you can’t say something nice about someone, come sit next to me.”

And really, the asshole who blamed 9/11 on gay people and feminists has this coming. So yeah, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Pat Robertson. You have to believe it’s been an interesting morning for him. First the shock of dying during autoerotic asphyxiation (we haven’t confirmed this yet) and then the shock of finding himself in hell. We wanted to know how the hateful monster was doing in his new surroundings so we gave a call to Satan. Here now is our interview with the Dark Prince…

TBS: Satan! What’s shakin?

Satan: Hey guys! Love the newsletter. When are you launching a podcast?

TBS: We’re working on it. So how’s Robertson doing down in hell?

Satan: Ugh. I really didn’t fucking want to do this. Nobody wanted him here. Except Falwell Sr.

TBS: Oh he’s there too?

Satan: What do you think? Yeah, we get a lot of religious leaders. Hell, we’ve got a whole section for them.

TBS: So what’s gonna happen to Pat?

Satan: Well hopefully over eternity we can serve him a fraction of the fear and hate he’s been serving on earth for years. And he’s gonna have to eat A LOT of demon poop.

TBS: That sounds awful.

Satan: Yeah well it’s hell. And he’s Pat Robertson.

TBS: Fair on both counts. Have fun and please tell him we said to fuck off.

Satan: Will do! Thanks for the chat. See you soon, boys.

Wait. What did he say at the end?! Yikes. Yeah so normally we avoid celebrating someone’s death because of karma and all, but this one falls under what we call the Kissinger Rule. So suck it, Pat. Y’all have a blessed day. More: AP

Note two: Speaking of hell, that’s what most of the East Coast looks like right now. Republicans are actually going on tv to say this is a good thing. They really want us all to die.

Note three: NOT BREAKING — Chris Licht is still fired.

Note four: The FBI finally gave House Republicans enough that they stopped threatening a contempt vote. Too bad. We want America to see just how much Republicans hate law enforcement. More: HuffPost

Note five: Dark Brandon vetoed that bill that would’ve ended his student debt forgiveness efforts. We always wondered if when a president vetoes something he can add a line like “vetoed and eat shit, ya greedy pricks.” More: HuffPost

Note six: We need to do something that’s a little out of character for us and praise CNN. No, we have not been hacked. We figure if they’re gonna trash them when they fail us, then we need to praise them when they do a good job. And last night Dana Bash helped Mike Pence wedgie himself. Well done, Dana.

Note seven: Biden is getting a visit from the British Prime Minister today. We don’t have any clever jokes about it. We hope they have a good meeting. More: NPR

Note eight: That Pence townhall last night was a great reminder that in addition to being a butt-kissing coward, Mike Pence is also dumber than dog shit. Yikes. NO LINK. JUST SAYIN

Note nine: Steve Bannon reportedly got another subpoena. Of all the HOW THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE STILL BREATHING FREE AIR people out there, he might be the one that confounds us the most. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Gavin Newsom is proposing a 28th Amendment to deal with gun violence. Sounds good to us. Maybe we could pass some more common-sense laws in the meantime since constitutional amendments take years. More: KCRA

Note 11: Ready for some goosebumps? Listen to this ovation for Brittney Griner.

Note 12: We just learned that Ghostbusters came out on this day in 1984. Is it a perfect movie? Yes. Yes, it is.

Note 13: Jen Bendery at the Huffington Post might be the best Capitol Hill reporter working these days. Yesterday Kevin McCarthy honored novelist Willa Cather with a statue and a pretty speech. Jen is the only reporter asking McCarthy if he knew Cather was a lesbian. So Happy Pride from Kevin15. More: HuffPost

Note 14: We need a minute. We’re still chuckling at that last story and McCarthy’s dumb ass.

Note 15: Clarence Thomas and Sam Alito asked for more time to complete their financial disclosure forms. This is like when you’re taking a test and you have to ask for more paper. Except we didn’t have to write all our gross fucked up corruption on that extra piece of paper. More: NPR

Note 16: Dark Brandon is celebrating Pride Month at the White House today with a pretty big shindig and some new protections for a community under attack. There’s a lot of important shit we need to do this Pride Month, but let’s not forget it’s a celebration and we need to party. More: CNN

Note 17: Were we the only people who saw this and went holy shit it’s that guy from Mr. Show?!

Note 18: Pat Robertson is still dead.

Note 19: If you’re struggling with fucked up air quality, hang in there. Wear a good mask, put towels under the door cracks and make sure you wash or bag whatever clothes you wear out in this shit. Stay in if you can. And then let’s finally get serious about climate change or this is our future.

Note 20: And on that ominous note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all have a great day here at the end of a great week. Well except for Pat Robertson. Love y’all!

We want to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it. Spread the word and share the link below with someone you think needs a little Big Stuff in their inbox every day.

SCOTUS SHOCKUS

What the fuck just happened? We blacked out for a minute. Something shocking has happened at the Supreme Court. They actually protected the right to vote for Black Americans. Details are still coming out but holy shit we were prepared for the worst. But Kavanaugh and Roberts actually joined our libs to affirm the Voting Rights Act in a case about Alabama redistricting. YAY AND WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

More: HuffPost

LOLOL

It turns out Kevin McCarthy is not a genius. But we suspect you knew that. The House of Representatives has ground to a halt as the super far right rebels against the far right for making a deal with Biden on the debt ceiling. Apparently these dumbfucks were really eager to trash the economy and they’re mad as hell they didn’t get to. So they are jamming McCarthy until he agrees to do whatever they say. It was so hard to see this kind of dysfunction coming when it took that doofus 15 fucking votes to get elected speaker.

More: HuffPost, CNN

Target!

Well you’re not gonna believe this but it’s looking more and more like Donald Trump is a goddamn criminal. Yeah the ol’ orange asshat was informed yesterday that he is in fact the target of an investigation. For those of you who haven’t ever been the target of an investigation, we can tell you that it ain’t good. But it looks like Trump is getting indicted very soon and in Florida where he quite possibly violated the espionage act. We will continue to honor the TBS rule of no premature living room dance parties, so we’re holding off until the grand jury does its thing.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

White House officials on Thursday hailed the unclogging of supply chains and suggested that further easing of bottlenecks will help cool inflation. More: CNN

Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-Texas) didn’t let an interruption from Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene(R-Ga.) faze her as she tore apart Republicans’ voter fraud claims on Wednesday. More: HuffPost

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.