6.7.23 House Republicans in disarray

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity because it makes Mike Pence cry.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! Y’all wanna laugh and cuss at some Republicans? Oh good. Because that’s what’s on the menu here at TBS today. Who are we laughing at? Our old friend Mike Pence. Wait a minute. He’s not our friend. In fact we pretty much hate that ass-kissing butthead. Not enough to try and hang him, but we’re not Republicans.

Like we’ve known for a long time that Mike “Check Out Trump’s Broad Shoulders” Pence is a pathetic wet-noodle-pee-pants of a person, but we feel like this run for president is just a cry for help. We were even gonna pass a jar to collect money to help that poor fuck buy some self-respect, but we decided to make fun of him instead.

So here’s a list of stuff Mike Pence could do that would be less embarrassing than running to be the presidential nominee of a party that tried to kill him and his family…

— Step on a rake and then have the rake secretly film him having sex with a farm animal

— Climb to the top of the Statue of Liberty, hang the back of his underwear from the tip of the torch and jump into a massive Freedom wedgie

— Be a member of the Republican Party in the year 2023

— Be Trump’s running mate

— Call his wife mother

— Bear spray himself while screaming “I DESERVE THIS, ORANGE DADDY!!!”

— Change his name to Mouth Penis because the initials are the same (this one's for the oldhead TBS readers)

— Get caught sending nekkid pictures to that fly that landed on his head

— Basically everything he did while he was vice president

— Seriously why does he call his wife mother? It’s been seven years and nobody has asked?

— Be Chris Christie

We feel like we might’ve missed some so please shoot us an email and let us know what you think Mike Pence could do that would be less embarrassing than running for president. What a freaking dork. Love y’all! More: HuffPost

Note two: So we’re actually going to take back that last one. Pence just dropped his announcement video attacking drag queens and Christie did this last night. He’s still a corrupt piece of shit with no hope of being president, but we do enjoy the idea of some Republicans roughing up orange shitface.

Note three: And we actually found the one guy who’s going to vote for Christie. It’s ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith, who you might have seen on Sean Hannity or getting stuffed in a locker by JJ Redick. Please feel free to kiss our asses, Stephen. More: HuffPost

Note four: While we’re in the sports world, there is HUGE news in Miami this morning as soccer superstar Leo Messi is going to play for the MLS in South Florida. But the sports story that really got our attention was the Miami Heat’s Udonis Haslem calling out Ron DeSantis’s bullshit. Thanks, UD! More: USA Today

Note five: It’s taking every ounce of restraint we have to wait to get to the news section to laugh at CNN. Oh fuck it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Note six: So this is the anti-LGBTQ violence right-wing extremists keep calling for and the MSM keeps ignoring/enabling. This is in Southern California. So let’s say this again and more loudly for the creepy assholes in the back — THIS IS PRIDE MONTH AND WE ARE GOING TO CELEBRATE. WE ARE PROUD OF OUR QUEER FRIENDS, BROTHERS AND SISTERS. WE LOVE THEM AND THEY ARE NOT FUCKING GOING BACK IN THE SHADOWS. FUCK ANYONE WHO’S GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT.

Note seven: Yesterday, for the first time in its history, the Human Rights Campaign declared a state of emergency for LGBTQ+ people in this country. Seriously how fucked up is that?! More: AP

Note eight: The white woman who allegedly shot a Black mother in front of her children after having allegedly used racial slurs in the past has finally been arrested. Sure fucking took long enough. More: AP

Note nine: Her name was AJ Owens, and she was a mother of four.

Note 10: We can’t stress enough what a corrupt piece of shit Chris Christie is, but we like that he broke Marco Rubio a little more…

Note 11: Liddle doesn’t seem like he’s over 2016, does he? LOL. Of course we’re not either really.

Note 12: We said it quite a few times yesterday, but we feel like we need to keep saying it — pro golf can go fuck itself. We’re never watching that gross shit again. More: Golf Digest

Note 13: If you’re in New York or the surrounding area and having trouble breathing because of the Canadian wildfire smoke, try an N95. We’re hearing that works. Also, we need to get serious about saving our planet or this is gonna be everyday and everywhere. More: ABC7 NY

Note 14: Sure looks like Russia destroyed a major dam in Ukraine. We’d put our money on Ukraine making Russia hurt for this. But only because we’ve been paying attention for the last year. More: AP

Note 15: Oh this is exciting. Who’s it gonna be, y’all? Get your bets in now!

Note 16: We’ve been writing for the past hour. Has the Republican Party tried to kill Pence again?

Note 17: Mark Meadows has been testifying. So imagine us putting the eyeballs emoji here as if to say “whoa dude.” More: MSNBC

Note 18: Tucker Carlson returned last night via twitter. Only the scary kids gave a fuck.

Note 19: DOJ is warning the QAnon shaman that if he wants to reopen his case, they’re fine with fucking him up big time. Maybe don’t get legal advice from Tucker, bro. More: Politico (Sorry for the Politico link)

Note 20: Did anyone watch White House Plumbers on HBO? We thought it was pretty darn entertaining but haven’t heard much about it. And we didn’t want to end on a note about that Jan. 6 fuckhead.

Note 21: And on that note, let’s go do some news. We hope you have an awesome day, but if for any reason you don’t, please take comfort in the fact that you are not Mike Pence. Seriously what a goddamn loser. Love y’all!

Kevin15

Remember how after Democrats bailed out Kevin McCarthy on the debt ceiling vote all the kiss-asses in the Capitol Hill press rushed to anoint him a genius? Well that might have been premature. Or just really fucking stupid. Yesterday the extreme right got its revenge by tanking a bill on gas stoves (yes, really) and embarrassing the shit out of Republican leadership. The freedom caucus douchebros are threatening to stall all legislation until McCarthy agrees to be their pet again like he did a few months ago. This is going great!

More: NBC

Well Merck you too

It’s always good to look around every once in a while and make sure you’re standing on the good side of things. When we see the soulless scum at Big Pharma attacking our guy, we feel like he must’ve done something right. And that’s the case this morning as drugmaker Merck has filed a lawsuit against Dark Brandon because he gave Medicare the ability to negotiate with those greedy shitheads. We’re sure a broken judiciary will ultimately side with the greedheads, but it’s nice to have a president who’s pissing them off and fighting for us.

More: CNBC

LOLOL

Well by now you’ve probably heard that CNN chief Chris Licht is out. He lasted just long enough to torch what was left of the network’s reputation. This was a fucking disgraceful experiment that will probably keep going because rich assholes own the media and the regular folks have been getting too lippy lately. Frankly, we don’t care if he’s gone. We saw how many reporters were fine going along with his both-sides bullshit, and we’re not gonna forget that. Are we supposed to forget that goddamn lecture from Anderson Cooper? Well we ain’t. Fuck him, fuck Licht and fuck CNN.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

Federal prosecutors are using a grand jury in Florida as part of their investigation into the possible mishandling of classified documents at former President Donald Trump’s Palm Beach property, a person familiar with the matter said Tuesday night. More: HuffPost

Disgraced zookeeper and “Tiger King” star Joe Exotic on Tuesday reveled in the news that one of Donald Trump’s White House insiders could become a key witness against him. More: HuffPost

An 18-year-old who had just graduated and his father were killed in a shooting Tuesday after a high school graduation ceremony on the Virginia Commonwealth University campus, Richmond police said. More: NBC

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